Thoughts on the Journey...

2009-11-18T12:54:00.002-05:00

OK - its pushing it to assume my academic writing is interesting to my professors who assign it. I know its pushing it even MORE to assume someone reading this blog would be interested in it. But... well... this assignment connected a BUNCH of dots that have been floating around in my mind (academically, for class and just for fun) and heart (in prayer and discernment).

PLEASE note - I am MERELY A BEGINNER in trying to understand this discernment thing. Shoot... I'm still a toddler in trying to do it myself, no less in trying to study, examine, and understand it. I am neither a spiritual director, nor a model spiritual directee. What follows is a summary of an article that suggests the essential nature of pastoral counseling is recognition of covenant... I've applied that idea to the notion that the fundamental nature of being a Christian (and perhaps discerning a vocation) is also first and foremost to stand in covenant.

*shrug* No answers here, really. I don't have them. I'm not given the graces required to provide them. Really, all that's here is an interesting way of asking a fundamental question - even if the words I use below suggest otherwise.

(The artile in question can be found here: Brueggemann, Walter. “Covenanting as Human Vocation: A Discussion of the Relation of Bible and Pastoral Care.” Interpretation: A Journal of Bible and Theology 33, no. 2 (April 1979): 115-129.)

Brueggemann’s description of ‘covenanting’ permits understanding it as the fundamental vocation of all Christians. He stretches beyond simplified judicious or bargaining conceptions of covenant to suggest covenant means that “human persons are grounded in Another” such that our very lives and existence “depend upon our relatedness to this other One who retains initiative in our lives.” Contrary to modern psychology, anthropology, and (though he does not mention it) perhaps even contemporary ‘vocational discernment’, it rejects the presumption “that the self is the essential unit of meaning.” Brueggemann suggests four ideas concerning God stemming from covenant: (i) Newness in our lives comes from God alone, (ii) who speaks (self-reveals) to us, (iii) and holds us to himself such that apart from “being called and belonging” to Him we cannot exist; (iv) all of which completely redefines our human life.

Based on this, one might say the essence of being Christian (or discerning one’s vocation) lies in coming to “knowledge of self in the presence of God”. The “characteristic actions” of one who ‘covenants’ with God in this way are hoping, radical listening, obedient answering, rage and protest, grieving and praise. These actions acknowledge the fundamental nature of the covenant and reject the idea that “self-knowledge and self-awareness unrelated to the Other” is profitable. It is in this range of postures that one encounters the fundamental anthropology, trusts God with all one’s reactions to it, and risks moving forward in covenantal relationship with Him.

Thus, one cannot consider questions of self-identity apart from the “call of the other One” and surrender to the “givenness” of our identity. It is likewise necessary to redefine our understanding of personal freedom such that we understand it is only attainable in surrendering to the “being/identity/personhood” given by God – not created from ourselves, our wants, or our desires. Using Brueggemann’s argument the fundamental vocation of the Christian can be thought of as rejecting notions of “self-groundedness” or “personal autonomy” in favor of placing ourselves completely (and with trust) “at the disposal of the Other” from whom we gain our existence, our definition, and our very be-ing.

In the context of vocational discernment for the priesthood, where we often speak of attuning to the words of our (individual) hearts as the indispensible tool, Brueggemann offers an important perspective to awaken us to the necessity to stand first and foremost (and even perhaps against the notions of inward turns to our own desires and longings – at least as disconnected from anything else) in covenant with God who calls us into who we are, and apart from whom and His call we have no being or freedom properly understood.

He Knows... And Still He Calls... Wow!

2009-06-21T15:14:00.004-04:00

My summer spiritual reading has sort of moved on from 'I Believe in Love'. I say 'sort of' because I'm often right back in the pages of that book - reflecting with it on events of the day, or something that hit me in my prayer time. I'm mindful that if I can find a heart soaked in 'the little way' of St. Therese, I can be a man in service of the Father, His Son, and His Church.

My current read (though I can't quite call it a read, its more like a prayer journal, guided meditation, or something like that, as my spiritual reading becomes more and more) is "Christ: the Ideal of the Priest" by Blessed Columba Marmion. Our new Vocation Director recommended this to the seminarians of the diocese - and it appeals to me because of Dom Marmion's Benedictine roots.

Now remember - with my spiritual reading, I don't aim to go fast. My goal isn't to finish the book quickly and move on to something else, but rather to use it frequently thoughout the day to invite me to prayer, to help me see how God is living and working in my life, and to bring me back to center. So don't laugh when I say that after starting last week, I'm only on page 44.

Just now, with the masses and parish celebrations concluded for the day, I took a few moments to re-center before relaxing this afternoon. And wow... I found more than I knew I was looking for. Here's what Dom Marmion had to say that bowled me over:

But I do recommend you strongly - for it is of the utmost importance - to try to walk in the way of sanctity which God has chosen for you. He alone knows your weakness..., and in His wisdom, He has measured exactly what you are capable of, and what is the power of the graces desgined to support your progress. [It is by the] acknowledgement of [your soul's] powerlessness and in [your soul's] expectation of the help of grace, [that you open yourself] to the influence of the Lord, and increase [your] capacity for the divine.

Wow. He knows. I mean, of course He does, but I don't think I ever quite paid attention to it in this way. God knows my every weakness - all the areas in which I struggle. My shortcomings and sins that are known to my family and friends, spiritual directors and priests... the one's that are obvious with just a few minute's observation. And He knows the ones that are more internal, that are sometimes hidden from view, or much more private. He knows even those I don't know clearly myself, haven't discovered or found a way to see and acknowledge myself. He knows them all...

...and yet He still calls. He calls me forward first and foremost into love and service to Him whatever that may mean. Each day, there is a growing sense on my part that He calls me forward into service of the Church as a priest. We won't know that for sure unless/until the day the Lord speaks with my bishop's voice to call me to Holy Orders - but even if that isn't the path, I see and know and accept and surrender as fully as I can to this reality: He knows, and yet He calls me to Himself.

Wow!

And not only does He know, but He knows EXACTLY. And He ALONE knows. And yet He calls. And He calls - with the specific, and exact, and tailored graces I need - not to accomplish my own will or plans or dreams or goals - but to accomplish that which he has intended for me to accomplish from the beginning of time.

I'm amazed at such intimate love - I'm amazed at being so intimately known, and accepted. One of the Eucharistic Prayers (II) includes these words, led by the priest, that we pray to the Father:

"We thank You for counting us worth to stand in your presence and serve You."

How amazing that - being as unworthy as we are, we are nevertheless counted as worthy enough to even stand in God's mighty presence and serve Him - not our merits, but truly the only merit ever to exist that could make such a thing possible is that of Christ Himself.

There's a lot of water to travel under the bridge before I know with certainty whether the Father calls me to the priesthood - but if I am one day ordained to stand at the altar acting in the person of Christ, and speak those words to the Father on behalf of and with the community... 'thank you for counting us worthy to stand in your presence and serve you...' - I hope I never forget that for each one of us, this is no generic statement.

God knows - ONLY God knows - my weakness, my unworthiness, my shortcomings... He knows, and yet He still calls. I acknowledge my powerlessness - and with joy and assurance, I rest in expectation of the graces that God will provide.

Wow!

I Believe in Love...

2009-06-15T08:08:00.002-04:00

My good friend and fellow seminarian from the Archdiocese of Indianapolis (Jerry Byrd) started the formation year last fall at St. Meinrad with this strange glow in his eyes. I'd come to know Jerry as a great guy, often with a smile on his face, and with a very 'real' spirituality marked by a good sense of humor and a willingness to share with others the struggle that seminary formation can be. But there was something different in his demeanor - there was something new, something going on. And he said, literally ad nauseum - so much so that I began to tease him - that he was coming to believe in love. I told him he said it so much that I was starting to hear Cher singing in the background ('Do you believe in life after love....' or whatever that song was) everytime he opened his mouth.

He kept talking about some book. Said it had 'rocked his world'. Said it was all about love. Said he was really starting to believe in love. Well, OK folks - of COURSE he believed in love. I did too. After all, we were both in seminary. God is love. I've known the love of God. I've known the love of family. I've known romantic love, the love of good friendship, the love of the Church. I believed in love, too. And yet I wasn't running around SAYING it all the time... And it wasn't 'rocking my world' to the point that I was gleaming. And Jerry was.

I figured he'd just bumped into something good for him, and like so many times when that happens, it settles down - perhaps leaving its mark on us in some way, but we sorta' 'move on' from. Trouble is, two months into school, and this wasn't a passing thing with him. Hrm.... (I thought to myself...) what's this about?

Now, if there's one thing I know about myself, its that I'm jealous of growth. Not jealous in a bad way. At leat I don't think its bad. Jealous like - wow! That worked for you, huh? I want me some of that, too. I think that's a good kind of jealousy. Its an attraction to growth, development, progress that has often led me down a good path. And so finally one day, after I had teased Jerry with my horrible Cher imitation, he said something like, 'Look here - keep teasing if you want - but this book rocks. You should check it out for yourself. Maybe it'll rock your world.' Well - if there's another thing that I am, its willing to accept the gauntlet once offered. So I bought this book. "I Believe in Love" by Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee - its a book of retreat conferences that this priest had given for years and years based on the simple spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux, known as the Little Flower.

And it has been rocking my world ever since, too.

Yep - I believe in love, too. And now I laugh at myself - because sometimes in a conversation, or in my prayer time, or in my writing or reflecting, I end up back at the example of the little way of St. Therese, or at a profound understanding or reflection on love... well, so often that I'm now teasing myself. The Cher background music (which, by the way, has nothing much to do with the book) plays in my head several times a day. I guess that's good payback for all the teasin I gave Jerry.

What it is about this concept - this book - the spirituality of little Therese - that has rocked my world so much? Oh wow - there's no way to lay it all out here. You wouldn't read it, and I don't have the time to type it. But I can give you the golden nugget in just a few words: It's all about love. Nothing matters but love. Following God means following love. Cultivate love - real love - in your vocation, in your apostolic work, in your discernment, in your prayer...and that true love will guide you with more certainty than bright polaris guides the sailor to wherever else you need to go, to whatever else you need to do.

And, perhaps more profoundly, I'm beginning to really see in my heart of hearts that no matter what your (my) vocational undertakings, discernment, apostolic work, or prayer goes and does, if its not guided at its heart by love, it will go nowhere. At least nowhere supernatural, nowhere beyond my own ability, nowhere profound, lifechanging, future altering.

And there's a little miracle in all of this, too: An awakening to love that has been there all along. When I look back over my life at what was good, and (as close to) perfect (as possible), and of value that I've ever accomplished, I see that it was so in direct proportion to love.

But there's something even more profound that I'm left with as I finish this book - yes, that's right, I'm just now finishing it...there's so much on each page that I didn't (couldn't) read it straight through as for a class, but rather have been reading it a page at a time - sometimes a paragraph at a time, since about October...

...there's something even more profound that still resonates throughout all of my being these days... Christ's love makes all things new, Christ's love makes me enough for him (if I will surrender to it), Christ's love - if I can dive in over my head with no hopes of a safe place to find solid ground below, and let myself fall into the bottomless abyss of that love... well, if I can abandon myself completely in it, it will take all of my try, and all of my fail... all of my effort... all of my weakness... all of my sinfulness... it will take all of that, and make it perfect.

I don't have to do anything but love more purely and perfectly, and abandon myself more completely to Pure and Perfect love... and as I do that, the rest will - by supernatural means - be made as it should be.

Little Therese discovered a great truth that is lost in our day: We don't have to be great among men, we don't have to be skilled and talented and competent. There's a danger in those things: we become like Peter who, once he discovered he'd taken a few steps on the water perhaps began to misunderstand that HE actually had (himself) taken those steps, and began to sink. I don't - can't - shouldn't - rely on my skills, talents, abilities... I don't need to be a great man, accomplish great things, speak well, learn to preach or preside well... I don't need to be bishop, or archbishop, or dean, or vicar... I don't need to do anything but see and daily give myself more and more to total abandonment to the infinite love of God. And if I can learn to do that small thing, and do it well, and do it motivated by love and nothing more... then, whatever I do or don't do, succeed or fail at, become or don't become - well, then it will be OK.

I can do that. I can learn to love more. I can make love my journey. And trust that all the rest will be as it should.

(Hahaha - cue the Cher track....)

So far, this summer assignment here in Corbin has done nothing but confront me on a daily basis with how much joy and peace and 'rightness' what I perceive the life of the diocesan priest creates in me. It is my desire to continue on this path. But more and more, too, what I MOST want to do is just love more purely, more perfectly - and surrender completely to God's love. If I can do that one thing well, if I can truly abandon myself to love... all the rest will fall into place.

Deus caritas est. God IS love. I believe in love.

Lex Orandi, Lex Credendi - Learning From the Prayer of the Church

2009-06-13T08:01:00.003-04:00

My liturgy professor at St. Meinrad (Fr. Godfrey Mullen, OSB) caught my attention one day when he said (I'm paraphrasing - and hope I don't miss the point he was making or misrepresent him), ‘Really pay attention to the words of the liturgy—as the official and public prayer of the Church, these words carry with them great treasures of understanding the theology, teaching, and tradition of the Church.” He had written the phrase Lex Orandi, Lex Credendi on the board. Over the last year, I’ve begun to pay particular attention to the prayers of the liturgy, and have found amazingly beautiful and deep meaning and insight that deepens my faith, and always provokes a sense of wonder at the infinitely knowable mysteries of our faith. This is certainly true of the Solemnity of the Body and Blood of Christ we celebrate this weekend.

For example, consider the words of the alternate Opening Prayer for this celebration:

Lord Jesus Christ,
We worship you living among us in the sacrament of you body and blood. May we offer to our Father in heaven a solemn pledge of undivided love. May we offer to our brothers and sisters a life poured out in loving service of that kingdom where you live with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.

There’s more depth, faith, theology, and mystery in those two sentences than we could ever completely grasp in a lifetime. And yet, if we give ourselves to it in prayer and reflection, we can forever grasp more and more Truth from it. (I think this is what our Rector at St. Meinrad means by an 'infinately knowable mystery'...)

Surely we are reminded this Sunday that our sacramental and liturgical acts recognize the faith we hold that our Lord, the same Jesus Christ who first celebrated the Eucharist the night before he was betrayed truly lives among us in His body and blood made present in the Mass.

But what solemn pledge of undivided love do we have to offer to the Father? There are at least two that this prayer points us toward:

First, we know that we have nothing to offer the Father except that which God himself gives us through the perfect offering of the Lamb of God. We bring gifts of bread and wine, themselves gifts to us from God, and through the action of Christ who is both our offering and our high priest made present through the ministry of Fr. Joe at the altar, we are able to make the only acceptable offering to the Father: the body and blood of our Saviour.

But notice, too, that this prayer reminds us to unite with this another important gift: a "life poured out in loving service” to our brothers and sisters. Christ is our model, and the Eucharist teaches us every time we celebrate it a key (perhaps the key) trait we must learn: He poured out His very life for his brothers and sisters, even before they had reconciled themselves to Him.

How do we begin to live this example in our lives? What opportunities do you have this week to pour out your life to the people in our parish, in our local community even outside the Church?

If we can make this question a part of our daily lives, we can truly offer our Father in heaven the pledge of undivided love He asks of us.

This is important: after all, since its part of the ‘law of prayer’ - the Church teaches it is also part of the ‘law of our faith’.

Amen.

Let Them Be One, Father

2009-06-05T10:31:00.002-04:00

(A reflection for the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity. Readings: Deuteronomy 4:32-34, 39-40; Psalm 33; Romans 8:14-17; Matthew 28:16-20)

I use several missalettes each week to pray and reflect on the coming Sunday’s mass texts—including the popular Magnificat. For the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, the Magnificat invites us to reflect on paragraph 221 of the Catechism which teaches that “by sending his only Son and the Spirit of Love in the fullness of time, God has revealed his innermost secret: God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange.” Taken in the context of the fullness of our faith, this reality—this understanding of God as a communion of persons—has much to teach us, much to challenge us. Indeed, the two Opening Prayers available for our celebration of the Mass remind us it is through the Most Holy Trinity that “we come to know the mystery” of God’s life, and are reminded that we are a people “formed in [God’s Trinitarian] image”.

There are two pieces, really, to understanding this Trinitarian mystery. The first—which is perhaps the most often reflected upon—is understanding as much as possible what this means about God. Three Persons—and yet complete and perfect Unity as One God. Indeed, as we contemplate such wonders, we could find ourselves exclaiming like Moses in the first reading, “Did anything so great ever happen before? Was it ever heard of?” Certainly, like him, with the fullness of God’s mystery now revealed through the Incarnation of Christ and the sending of the Holy Spirit celebrated at least week’s Pentecost, our faith is assured and our hope secured so that we, too, again like Moses in the first reading, can exclaim this is how we ‘must now know and fix in our hearts that the Lord is God in the heavens above and on earth below, and that there is no other.’

It is the second understanding of this Trinitarian mystery, however, that has been foremost in my prayer this week: what it teaches us about ourselves to understand that we are created in the image of a Trinitarian God. Paul, writing to the Romans in our second reading, takes this one step further by reminding us that in addition to being created in the image of a Communion-Of-Divine-Persons–Who-Are-One, through Christ we have become adopted sons of God, “and joint heirs with Christ.”

If the God we worship is a communion of persons so closely interrelated that there is no separation among them, so united that they are Perfect Unity Itself, and if we are created in that image, then we must accept something fundamentally true about our very nature that is challenging: we are meant to be persons of communion. Communion with our Lord, communion with our parents and children and family, and certainly communion and unity as the Body of Christ represented by and made present in our parish family.

Indeed, why is it in the Gospel for today that Christ Himself commanded that the disciples “Go...and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”? Perhaps it is at least in part to remind us of two important things: One: that the God we serve is mighty, wondrous, and unlike any imitation god that man tries to create. His glory is in part because His very nature is a communion of Three Persons in such perfect Unity that they are completely One. And two: that, baptized in the name of that Most Holy Trinity, we are called to live together as the Body of Christ on earth—and in our parish family—as a communion of persons together in perfect unity.

As the Prayer Over the Gifts in today’s liturgy suggests, let all of us pray that the words we say, and the things we do, promote a unity among us that we know through faith is the very nature of the Most Holy Trinity who is One God in the heavens above and the earth below. Only in this way can we hope to become the “perfect offering” to God we pray He makes us in this sacrifice of the Mass… for this we rely on the sanctifying power of the Eucharist. Amen.

------------------------------

“I do not pray for these only, but also for those who believe in my through their word, that they may all be one; even as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory which you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)

Going Through the Motions...

2009-04-12T11:29:00.009-04:00

an Easter reflection on the song by Matthew West.

Ever feel like you’re going through the motions of life? You know – doing what is right, or at least trying to – but more because it’s the next thing on the list, some set expectation for your role, or chasing the insane caricature of the ‘good little boy’ or ‘good little girl’ that we’ve built up in our mind that we chase…all the while, losing this life… all the while not feeling much of anything… all the while making going through the motions what life is about – and forgetting (or not ever really knowing) how to live?

I’ve felt that way. I’ve had times when I sort of ‘woke up’ and asked myself what it was all about. To all external measures, I was being a ‘good little boy’ – I was doing it all fairly well. I was responsible, I was making the actions of caring and loving. I’ve ‘woke up’ before wondering what I was doing…going through the motions.

This morning at about 4:30am – an hour and a half into the Easter Vigil, I ‘woke up’ realizing that, again, I’d been somewhat going through the motions of this beautiful liturgy. My feet hurt – by back hurt – my legs hurt… I was tired. The readings & responses (all 7 of them) were beautiful and delivered beautifully…and as they were winding down, the words of this song by Matthew West came back to me. Here I was – if I wasn’t careful, I’d miss what was going on…by going through the motions.

Just like life…

This might hurt – its not safe.
But I know that I’ve gotta’ make a change.
I don’t care if I break – at least I’ll be feeling something.
‘Cause just OK is not enough.
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.

It hurts to try to awaken – and stay awake – in life. It hurts to acknowledge that ‘going through the motions’ is sometimes all we can do. It is humbling to realize that we’ve been moving along, going through the motions, but missing it all. Yes, it hurts – but there’s hope in saying to ourselves “I’ve gotta’ make a change.” That voice that speaks within is a gift of God in us… is the Christ living in us, eager to break free yet again from the tomb and create again the resurrection joy of Easter in our lives.

And – on the BEST of days – on the BEST of my awakenings – in the moments of my BEST surrender, I say “I don’t care if I break…” at least I’ll be feeling something authentic, something REAL, something more than the actor on the stage… life – life within. No, in those moments, I refuse to surrender for “just OK”. The ‘Christ living within’ encourages me to see that life is NOT nothingness…if I can fight through, if I can touch the hem of His garment and be awakened to the ‘Easter-morning-of-every-day’ of life lived in Him.

It hurts sometimes – and it sure isn’t safe. It isn’t safe to break bread with sinners and outcasts and those on the fringes of society. It isn’t safe to offer my whole life to Christ – because when I offer it, He will take it (THANK YOU GOD!!!)…He will ALWAYS take it when we offer it, and break it…releasing the seed within…letting it fall into the ‘death’ of the soil, to mix with life giving water of our baptismal promises, and to grow new, and taller, and more beautiful…to once again seed itself and repeat the process… each time reaching just a little higher to the Son that warms it into growth.

No regrets, not this time. I’m gonna’ let my heart defeat my mind.
Let Your love make me whole – I think I’m finally feeling something.
‘Cause just OK is not enough.
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.

No – regrets aren’t for this pilgrimage. If we are to be people of pilgrimage – prefigured by Israel in the desert following nothing but (nothing but!!! And yet everything there is!!) a pillar of cloud and fire wherever it leads. How can we ‘wander through this life’ with our hurts and pains and concerns and not drown in ‘the motions’? Only if we let our heart defeat our mind…the heart that burns within calling us to BE who we ARE (children of a Living God, Who knew us before we were knit together in our mother's womb, who are precious enough that God Himself became man - and died to destroy death forever so we might be with Him)… calling us to understand with our mind what we know to be true in our hearts, rather than explaining away with ‘pure reason’ the affections and movements of our hearts. Only then – only in these moments – can we see His love making us whole. Only in these moments do we begin to ‘finally feel something’.

But – rather than condemn the moments between these awakenings as ‘nothingness’ – perhaps ours is to see, rather, that they remind us who we are…beings dependant on the authenticity of Christ to escape the nothingness of life. We need not flog ourselves emotionally with the fragileness or dependence of our nature… we need not abandon our quest to fight through ‘the nothingness times of this life’ just because we so often ‘fall asleep’ going through the motions. We just once again surrender, and with humble confidence that we can, we reject ‘just OK’ yet again…and pray with all our heart:

I don’t wanna’ go through the motions…
I don’t wanna’ go one more day…
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me!
I don’t want to spend my whole life asking -
‘What if I had given everything?’

My God – I’m weak, and poor, and forgetful, and whiny, and fragile…
I too easily fail to pay attention – I far too often slip into going through the motions.

But with all that I am – I hunger for Your all consuming passion – Your all consuming Love. I REFUSE to spend the rest of my life asking ‘what if’! I REFUSE to spend any single moment more knowingly going through the motions.

Take me all the way! Take me all the way!
‘Cause I don’t wanna’ go through the motions…
I’m finally feeling something real!

Yes – take me all the way! Take all of me! I give to You as best I can all I have that You are entitled to…which leaves NOTHING for me to withhold from You. I even give You my failure – my utter dependence on You to ‘stay awake’ – I give to You even those times when I slip into ‘going through the motions’ because sometimes they're all I have to give. And, if I try to hide them from You, if I become too embarrassed to welcome You into them, I’ll never be able to cry out to You:

I don’t wanna’ go through the motions…
I don’t wanna’ go one more day…
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me!
Take me all the way! Take me all the way!
‘Cause I don’t wanna’ go through the motions…
I’m finally feeling something real!

On this, the greatest day – on this day when You once and for all overcame the powers of death that pull hard on our lives, let us know the Easter triumph… I am Yours. I give it all to You: Happy Easter.

---

Post Script:
The "Opening Prayer" that transitions the 'readings' part of the Easter Vigil to the 'mass' part. (OK - one day I'll know how to say that more refined like...) Whole-hearted service...'just OK is not enough'...

"Let us pray:
Lord God,
you have brightened this night
with the radiance of the risen Christ.
Quicken the spirit of sonship in your Church;
to give you whole-hearted service.
Grant this through our Lord, Jesus Christ, your Son,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
one God, for ever and ever.
Amen

Were You There...?

2009-04-10T22:55:00.015-04:00

There I lay on the floor - dressed in an alb - a hopeful prefigurement of where this journey may one day (Lord willing) pass from the "seminarian" phase into the "priesthood" phase - only unlike the ordination liturgy my soul seems so desperately to long for, here I lay in front of a tomb...

...no - I'm not in Jerusalem, not now & certainly not 2,000 years ago, not in front of THE tomb. But, based on what I can imagine reading through the lines of the Gospels, neither was anyone else lying prostrate in front of THE tomb. Scattered to the winds, fresh on the stings of their own denials, scared of what would happen to them if He could be cricified, or perhaps even utterly confused - unable to make any sense of how the Messiah could be dead... beaten, and mocked, and humiliated, and dead. That tomb, with its stone rolled over the entrance, wasn't venerated (that we know of) on that dark Good Friday evening. So why is it that a simple guy from the heart of Kentucky lies on a marble floor prostrate before a tomb built to resemble THE tomb?

Today's retreat - in the midst of the Triduum liturgies which make present the disjointedness of worshipping a Savior hung on a tree by lacking beginning or end, by having some of what should be there but missing so much as well... today's retreat paused to celebrate the 'Mystical Burial of Christ' - the Good Friday liturgy in the Byzentine tradition. There right before the altar is a tomb... a tomb that soon will hold the book of the Gospels just as THE tomb held the Word of God Incarnate...

Some things about this tomb are different - it is smaller, it is in the clean and safe-from-the-dirt-and-weather-environment of our chapel, there is no stone to roll in front of it to seal it... but in pertinent part, this tomb is EXACTLY the same. Earlier today, following the Solemn Liturgy for Good Friday in the Archabbey Church, my classmates and I gathered to complete the construction of this tomb. Recalling that Christ - beaten and worn and tired and abandoned - became 'aware that everything was now finished'. We recalled that He breathed his last, that His side was pierced, that a tomb was procured, His body was prepared...and he was laid in a tomb.

But most importantly, we recalled that it is us - you - me... my sin... that required such a tomb. Reminded that even today, it is our sin - it is my sin - that attempts to enclose and darken and hold captive the Light of Christ in the world, we one by one picked up a stone and as we confessed to one another the ways we entomb our Lord by our sins, we placed the stone...finishing its contstruction.

'For not being a good steward of the gift of my body...' I realize I bury Christ within... and for this, my brothers pray for me: Lord, have mercy. 'For those times when I consider my needs and concerns before those of this community and the Church...' I realize I bury Christ within... and for this, my brothers pray for me: Lord, have mercy. One by one, we acknowledge the ways we bury Christ in our lives...

...and so at the end of this day where we remember our Lord's death, we gather, and in the most ancient of ways, we process with incense, and candles, and we acknowledge our sin by liturgically placing the book of the Gospels into that tomb...

...and we process with a burial shroud...and with the death drum concludes its march, we release the shroud... it falls to the ground... and it is finished.

One by one, we take flowers and approach the tomb...
we cry (some of us)...
we kneel (most of us)...
we acknowledge the sin that brings this sad day to pass (all of us)...
and we sing:

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?

Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?

I am there... building that tomb... in my sinfulness, I am there.

But... if that's all there was to the story, we wouldn't have been celebrating that liturgy where I lay face down before the tomb...

...if that's all there was to the story, there would be no such thing as an ordination liturgy where I again may one day be blessed to lay face down before my Lord pledging my life (scarred by sin as it is and will be) to His service...

...if that's all there was to the story, there would be no Good Friday commemoration, no hope that grows from the yearly remembrance of betrayal, abandonment, torture, and death...

...if that's all there was to the story, all would be hopeless.

But...there's more.

There Will Be A Day....

2009-04-08T08:58:00.004-04:00

I've been praying with and reflecting on this song a lot the last couple of days. Particularly as we move toward Easter, I'm reminded that 'the day to come' is already here! We just have to live it through faith - but right now, the burdens of this place vanish as we see Jesus face to face - in the Eucharist, in one another, in the community of faith... in our walk toward Easter.

...by Jeremy Camp.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have -
But I feel the weight of what it brings,
and the hurt that trys to grab,
The many trials that seem to never end...
His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew.

But I hold on to this hope
and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering!

There will be a day
with no more tears,
no more pain,
and no more fears.
There will be a day
when the burdens of this place,
will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day,
we’ll hold on to You always!

I know the journey seems so long -
You feel your walking on your own.
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone.

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart!
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting!

But I hold on to this hope
and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering!

There will be a day
with no more tears,
no more pain,
and no more fears.
There will be a day
when the burdens of this place,
will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day,
we’ll hold on to You always!

I can’t wait until that day
Where the very One I’ve lived for always
will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced.
To touch the scars that rescued me
from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day
with no more tears,
no more pain,
and no more fears.
There will be a day
when the burdens of this place,
will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day,
we’ll hold on to You always...

There will be a day.

Reflection - 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time (October 5, 2008)

2008-10-01T17:52:00.003-04:00

In keeping with my formation goals for the year, here is a reflection on the readings for mass this coming weekend: (Isaiah 5:1-7, Philippians 4:6-9, Matthew 21:33-43)

I can see it now – my little chubby hands reaching for the flower seeds. I was about four years old, and for all intents and purposes as big around as I was tall. We were going to grow flowers in the small beds on either side of the front porch… and I was so excited!!

Those of you who know me might have a hard time imagining that I virtually grabbed the bag of seed from my mother’s hands, and – anxious to do it, do it well, and do it BIG – began broadcasting seed all over the bed. Tons of seed. And then, after the excitement of seeding and watering ran out, I was done. Finished. Well, to tell the truth – bored and ready to move on to the next thing.

My mother, of course, was ready to help me learn a thing or two about how things grow…and I suppose perhaps hope I learned something about life… as she more purposefully first tilled up the soil, neatly plowed little rows with her trowel, gently laid the seeds in (by this time I was totally finished and in the back yard playing with Bumper the puppy), carefully covering the seeds back over, and watering with just enough, and not too much. Indeed, she cared for that garden nearly as much as Isaiah’s friend.

Which flower bed produced the most fruit? Well, surely I wouldn’t have this completely innocent grin on my face today if my little haphazardly thrown together, sometimes-watered, never-weeded, little plot of land hadn’t produced it glorious and colorful and sweet bounty, compared to the sparse yield of a few blooms on the other side of the porch.

Was it the seed? Was it the method? Was it the soil? Was it luck? I don’t know. What I do know is that as this true legend is re-told over and over in our family’s lore, my mother’s supposed and interpreted response is very much like Isaiah’s friend, when my field produced and hers didn’t. This story, first told by Isaiah and retold to a crowd likely familiar with it by Christ himself, creates some strange questions.

- Why didn’t the field, so carefully planned, planted, and cared for, produce fruit?

- What’s to blame when our fields don’t prosper? The seed? The sewer? The field?

- What’s our response when our fields don’t prosper?

What fields have you planted? Are you nurturing a marriage? Raising children? Working in ministries in the Church? Investing in your occupation? Tending a hoped-for harvest in community organizations, charities, educational pursuits? What fields have you planted – and how are they producing?

And perhaps even more importantly… what is our response when the crop doesn’t turn out the way we want. After all, Isaiah’s field didn’t fail to produce… it just failed to produce the right kind of grape. It failed to produce what was hoped for when it was planted. So what do we do when our marriage, our children, our ministries, our pursuits aren’t turning out the way we’d hoped they would? Do we just knock down the walls and let it be run over by weeds, grazed by whatever would come in to destroy it?

Well, sometimes we’re tempted to say, that’s what the story SAYS. That’s what GOD did. That’s what we should do, too. And – sure enough – that is what we read in the two accounts of this parable. But, there’s one flawed piece of logic there. God is God, and we are not.

There is something to be said for the matching of these two readings with the second reading for today I think. Something to be said for understanding both what God does to tend His vineyard, and what we’re called to do to tend ours. We are called to “have no anxiety” – we’re called to pray and petition – we’re called to make our requests – but to do all of that, and no matter what happens, blend it all together with our thanksgivings. That’s how we make sure the little gardens we plant in the Lord’s vineyard don’t become the sour grapes that spoiled the whole crop. That’s how we find the ‘peace that passes all understanding’. That’s how we welcome the ‘God of peace’ into our midst, into our vineyards, into our work and our lives.
What are your vineyards?

Studying, Serving, Practicing, Playing, Praying, Sleeping...

2008-09-21T22:15:00.012-04:00

...all but exercising, which I've got to make sure I work into the schedule somehow. Yep - I'm doing all those things; and more or less loving it. I can't say that the transition back to seminary this year has been as easy as I thought - but then again, that is probably my inexperience at transitioning back to seminary at play more than anything else. (After all, this is my first time transitioning back to seminary ever!)

Studying
Yeah - there's that going on of course. I really like my courses this semester. Intro to Biblical Studies, where we explore the Psalms and prayer forms. Modern Philosophy, guys like Descartes, Hume, Locke, Kant, Hobbes. Epistemology, the philosophy of knowledge...wrestling with philosophic questions and problems many attribute to Descartes' philosophy. Word & Interpretation, where we read classic literature (The Odyssey, The Inferno, Heart of Darkness, Grapes of Wrath, etc) and learn what it means to interpret texts... because after all, the primary job of a priest is to interpret the text of our lives and the lives of those we're called to serve and lead against the text of the life of Christ, the text of our call to holiness. Yeah - I'm studying... and for the most part really enjoying it.

Serving
It is truly Providence at work that I was asked to serve the community as the Banquet Coordinator this year. I discovered very early on what a real center of my peace, a real energy-giving activity, a real source of pleasure I receive from opportunities to serve the community - I learned that through trying to be welcoming and hospitable to the community in the very practical and pedestrian act of spreading food on a table for them.

I'm also blessed with many other opportunities to serve the community - and hope it continues to transform me into being a good and faithful servant. (I really DO try to reflect on and approach all these 'menial' jobs as an opportunity for conversion and 'pastoral formation' so to speak for the ministry I may be blessed to offer others.) I work in the library a couple hours two days a week, and I'm SO EXCITED to have a shift at the soon to open coffee shop here on campus. (YES!!! Can you believe it? After all this time being sans Starbucks, we're opening a real, quality coffee shop on the Hill!) Joke's on them, though... we get free coffee drinks while we're working. My mom said, when she learned this, something like: 'Do they KNOW how much you love coffee?' I also agreed to take care of the computer labs we have for students here on the Hill. (Time management skills - finding them, using them, improving on them - will be in the works as well.) My Gammaw (that's a grandmother, only a particularly special on) was right on the money in an email she sent me the other day: "Sounds like you're busy... but you always seem to do better when you're busy." Yep, Gammaw, you're right.

My challenge is to not get "over-busy"; and certainly NOT to get so wrapped up in DOING that I forget about BEING. So much activity that I don't pray. Again, its good practice I think. If I can try (and fail, and get better, and try again) to strike that balance as part of my formation, hopefully I'll be better prepared to strike that balance when the seminary days are over.

Practicing
I'm practicing all kinds of things - and doing better at some than at others. I suppose that's to be expected. I'm practicing Benedictine obedience. (Practicing, folks...I'm a long way from getting it right.) I've been struck over and over again by the deep and significant difference between what I most often think of as the definition of obedience (i.e., doing what you're told) and the way St. Benedict talks about obedience in The Rule. Obedience is, he says, the "strong and noble weapon...to do battle for the true King". Obedience as a weapon for the Gospel? That in and of itself has been a deep source of reflection. But St. Benedict goes on (and on... and on...) about obedience. "Unhesitating obedience" he says "comes naturally to those who cherish Christ above all". (Chapter 5) As I look at my 'strictly-speaking-obeying' I see that I've a long way to go between that and "unhesitating obedience". Do you really want to know the passage I struggle with and pray with (and hope to be growing with)? (WARNING: This may be uncomfortable... it may challenge you in all kinds of ways... at least its challenging me:)

"This very obedience, however, will be acceptable to God and agreeable to men only if compliance with what is commanded is not cringing or slugging or half-hearted, but free from any grumbling or any reaction of unwillingness."

KA-BAM!! There it is, folks. By that score, its a good thing I'm practicing obedience (and a good thing I have opportunity to practice - 'cause I got a long way to go.)

Want to know the funny thing? I could just outright disregard this whole 'deeper' conception of obedience all together. I'm not a Benedictine. I'm not entering a Benedictine community. I could just say, "UM... no thanks to that." Problem is, those words ring so true somewhere inside. The more I read and meditate on the Rule, the more I feel as if it is calling me forward into continuing to become the person I can be. So, I can't just disregard what St. Benedict says. (Part of the reason I'm continuing my prayer about making a final commitment as an Oblate of St. Meinrad.)

I'm practicing some fun things, too. Sr. Bernadone Rock, FSE is our new director of liturgical music here at Meinrad, and she offers voice and piano lessons, and for right now I'm taking both. (I may have to give up the voice lessons to free up some time, we'll see.) So, for about 20 minutes each day, I'm tinkering away on a piano, and frightening those who might hear with my scary singing. *grin* But I'm finding I really enjoy both - and though its more 'time allotted' in my daily calendar, its time that feels like 'play'...and that seems important and healthy.

Playing
No - I haven't thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I'm still finding time to play. Those who know me, and have heard my standard "What's it like at seminary" can rest assured that I still head over to Jasper about once a weekend for 'the trip' (dinner, WalMart, movie). Though this year I've branched out a bit - I don't always head to the WalMart (or if I go, I don't always find I need to buy something.) And sometimes, I've headed to one of the other little places around for dinner instead of Jasper. Don't want to get in a rut, you know.

Praying
I've been very thankful for the rhythm of prayer here at Meinrad these first weeks of school. They help me remember that prayer is the foundation and core of the life I'm being formed for. Coming together as a community for Morning Prayer (in the AM), Mass (at mid-day usually), and Evening Prayer (in the PM) helps me have concrete reminders throughout the day that its all about prayer. I'm continuing my practice of reading and practicing a loose form of Lectio Diving with upcoming Sunday Mass readings - and occasionally I write a homily-type reflection to go with that. My daily reading and prayer with the The Rule of Benedict continues. And, I still find that as I'm walking around campus, heading from one place to the next, or just catching a quiet moment somewhere, I continue to have that 'dialogue with God' going on. I'm so grateful for that.

...as you can see, God's grace is all around me!!! What a privilege it is to be called to the seminary, to have the opportunity to be formed into a person of community and ministry. In those moments when I can connect most with that profound reality, with that miracle, with the privilege of formation... in those moments I'm most at peace.

Oh yeah... I forgot Sleeping... I'm off to do that now. Peace to you.

Ending the Summer... Beginning the Semester

2008-08-28T16:13:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened since I last had a chance to blog. It's a shame that in my busiest times, with the MOST to share, I often don't have the opportunity to share it with others here. But perhaps it is good to take a moment to recap - even for myself.

Ending My Summer Assignment
The weekend after SEARCH was over was my last weekend in Pikeville where I spent my summer. It was a whirlwind - saying goodbye to the folks who had welcomed me so warmly into their community at the four weekend masses throughout Pike County. I remain very touched by the people and places of Pike County, and pray that one day I might be the kind of priest who can serve healthily and happily in the mountain areas of our diocese.

Vacation With Family
Sunday afternoon after ending the summer assignment I drove to Gatlinburg, TN for four days with my parents and grandmother. That time was well spent. Not only was it good to spend time with them, but it was also good to have a bit of a rest there in Gatlinburg. For those of you familiar with Pigeon Forge entertainment, I was treated to being a part of one of the skits at the "Comedy Barn". That was a real treat - I enjoyed it, I think my family enjoyed it too. (The qualifications they were seeking were (a)over 18, (b) good sense of humor, and (c) don't mind being the center of attention... I guess I was a shoe it.)

Rock the Collar
Each year our diocesan seminarians make a 10 day road trip around the diocese meeting the pastors who serve our Church, getting to know the people and ministries of our diocese, and getting to know one another. 1,100 miles across southern and eastern Kentucky in 10 days is a setting for some real faternal bonding. Everywhere we went, people were so very kind and encouraging. And our two new seminarians who joined us on the trip are incredible young men. I'm honored to be their brother in formation.

Back to School
Two days after returning from Rock the Collar it was time to return to the "Holy Hill" at St. Meinrad. After driving to St. Louis to pick up a man studying here as well, I returned to the Hill last Friday (I guess that makes it a week ago today). I was honored to be a part of the Orientation staff who welcomed almost 40 new men to the seminary community this year. As part of Orientation, I organized two receptions and a formal banquet as part of my service to the community as Banquet Coordinator this year. It's a real pleasure to server the broader community this way, and though it is sometimes extremely physically taxing, it genuinely is a pleasure.

Classes Starting
Today was our first day of classes for this semester. It's nice to be back with "the guys" I shared the first year of formation with. It's nice to be back in class. It's nice to be back on the Hill - even with so many changes. I was remarking to someone today that my aversion to change is itself what's typically at issue in my discomfort or lack of excitement about whatever the change itself is. Often, in fact, I like what has been changed, and just have to grow into seeing that through the discomfort of change itself.

Through it all, there are important things I realize more and more I must remember:

* It's not about me. Nope. Narcissism, self-centeredness, believing that I have all the right answers or some keen insight into how things could "best" be done is not only foolhardy, but more importantly it is contradictory to the image of a servant priest. Christ came to serve, not the be served. And if I am to be formed to live and serve in persona Christe I must pray to have every little bit of that inward focus transformed into something else.

* Things aren't always right, just, fair... or what they seem. And mine isn't always to be judging or evaluating those conditions. Bishop Gainer respects the formation offered at St. Meinrad. I love and respect the men entrusted with forming us here - and I love and respect the priests I know who have been formed here. Implicitly, then, my posture toward the entirety of seminary experience ought to be a posture of open-mindedness and trust.

* God is in control. Fr. Wil often said to me this summer, "Alan, don't forget the Holy Spirit is at work in it all." Whether we were talking about liturgy, theology, administration of the Church, or how to make an impossible situation workable for the good of the Church. And I must remember, and rest peacefully in the truth, that God through His Spirit is at the helm of my life, my journey, my formation, and my vocation. I continue to pray that my time here makes me more docile to that reality.

* It's about preaching Christ, and Him crucified. It's about sharing the good news that Christ came to give us life, and that more abundantly. It's about the salvation of souls (mine included). It's about falling in love with the martyr Messiah who laid down His life to rein triumphantly over death for all eternity. It's about so much more than what clutters and fills my mind and gets me all wound up on a daily basis sometimes. All the rest is nothingness.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Order my life to Your will. Nail me to that cross in whatever ways are important so that I may offer my life in service of Your Gospel. Though it burns as in a furnace sometimes, and though I tremble with fear or loathing or discomfort over the silliest of things sometimes... You love me enough to melt away the impurities ever revealing more and more of the precious metal within. Lord, if it be Your will, transform me to Your image, and make me Your priest.

SEARCH... WOW!

2008-08-02T12:47:00.011-04:00

A week ago today, I was at Cliffview (a retreat center in our diocese) helping out with SEARCH 6 - a retreat for 16-20 year olds in our diocese designed to help them transform their faith journey. In January when I agreed to help out with the retreat, I thought I was doing a favor for one of my brother seminarians. Little did I know what a favor he was doing for me to include me in this special weekend. I left much more touched by God than any help I offered. (As I'm learning in so many experiences along the way, when I am open to serving others - I ALWAYS seem to receive so much more than I give. It's very cool.)

I was a gopher on the Palanca team - a group of young people who've done the SEARCH retreat before and want to give of themselves to make the experience possible for others. Palance is the Spanish word for lever (I learned) - and these young people do all the "behind the scenes" stuff for the retreat. Planning and delivering skits with important messages, serving and cleaning up after meals, getting supplies gathered and organized for the weekend. Perhaps most important, the Palance folks pray for the retreat. Starting about two months before the retreat, they begin to pray Morning Prayer and Evening Prayer asking God to bless the retreatants. During each and every one of the presentations given (by young people) over the course of the weekend, one of the Palanca young people go into the Blessed Sacrament chapel and pray during the talk - they pray for the presenter and the retreatants - that God's message would get across, that the Spirit would plant seed that one day will flower. There's something amazing about seeing an 18 year old speak about the power of the Eucharist, while a 17 year old is praying before the Eucharist for that speaker. Cool, cool stuff.

(Some photos of the Palanca Team members...)

I was also the "token" seminarian for the retreat, which includes presentations from many different vocations as a way to help the retreatants begin to think seriously about where God is calling them. So, there is a token priest, a token single person, a token married couple, and a token priest. (I wonder if at some retreats they also have a token religious brother or sister...)

Here, below, is the basic sharing I gave about the vocation of a seminarian:

My name is Alan carter, and I'm a seminarian for the diocese. I've finished the first of six years at St. Meinrad where I'm searching for God's will in my life. That's what a seminarian really is - a professional SEARCHER for a time. Searching for God's call in our lives - for some of us, that will lead to priesthood, for others it will lead to marriage or single life or a religious vocation. But for all seminarians, searching and ebing formed into better people is what being a seminarian is all about.

Before seminaary, I walked a path very similar ot the one most of you are on. I graduated high school and then went off to college at Washington & Lee University. I've worked in DC for Senator McConnell, in the northeast at a large pharmaceutical company, and after returning to Lexington more than 10 years ago I worked as a web software developer.

My SEARCH began before I was born - I truly beleive that. God tells us in the Bible that He knit us together Himself in our mother's womb - but that He knew us even before that. I blieve all of our lives are spent coming to know the "US" that God knew before we were born. I wasn't raised Catholic, but definitely Christian. I was baptized one hot summer evening at a church camp where I knoew - I really knew that God was calling me toward Him. Through my High School years I remained active in different forms of ministry like some of you have - I spent a summer as a missionary in the Phillippines and began to think God might be calling me to full-time ministry then, but I wasn't ready. At college, I studied hard, enjoyed lots of good times with my friends, and continued to try to live my fiath - imperfectly though sometimes, I still tried. And that was important, I think, because it taught me that we don't have to be perfect to follow Christ - we just have to keep trying. I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman, and was certain we would be married - it just didn't work out the way I thought. (She is, by the way, an amazing woman who married and recently had her first child. I got a letter from her a couple of weeks ago saying how proud she was of me and how happy she was that I seemed to have found the path I was meant to be on. God is so good!)

My "Great Adventure" as I refer to the part of the journey I'm on right now, really started again about 4 years ago. I was driving down the road, on the way home from work, listening to the radio. I was happy in my career, dating another wonderful woman, helping to raise two teenagers. I had a house and a car - my family was close. Even in the midst of some struggles in my life, I was reasonably happy. And so, it was quite out of nowhere that I said out loud while stopped at a light, "I could go be a monk like Thomas Merton." That thought should have sounded crazy - but it didn't... and the fact that it didn't sound crazy was... well...CRAZY! I didn't tell anybody about it for six months, thinking the thought would just go away. But it didn't.

See I was afraid, I guess. Afraid that telling someone would commit me. I was afraid I'd say to someone, "Hey, I'm thinking about being a monk or a priest..." and before I knew it I'd be packed up and shipped off, and have no choices left. I think I was also afraid of whether or not I was Holy enough to be a priest. And - since we're being really honest here - the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if priests - without having a wife or children - ... well, I was scared that maybe the life of a priest was a lonely life.

I spent quite some time wrestling with these fears. I got some great advice though - go talk to a priest about it. And I did. You see, that's when I first learned that being a seminarian isn't what I thought it was - being a seminarian isn't being committed to the priesthood. There's no way to make that commitment without spending time as a seminarian really SEARCHING for God's will for my life. Being a seminarians - the commitment we make it to be OPEN to FINDING what God's will for our life is. We commit ourselves to prayer, to learning what it means to be a priest, and most of all to searching with all that we've got for whether or not that is God's will for us. And along the way, those old fears are slowly removed day by day. I see that real people are both priests and seminarians - real people who are fallible and imperfect - real people who just keep trying, and praying, and staying open. I see that priests and seminarians are far from lonely if they're paying attention. The bond and connection that we have with one another is important - and life giving. I don't know that I've felt really lonely even once since I started down this path.

I think the vocation to being a seminarian is a vocation to prayer, being formable clay in God's hands, and most of all to SEARCHing. The vocation of a seminarian is absolutely not the same thing as a vocation to the priesthood - one can lead to the other, but you don't have to become a priest to be a successful seminarian. But in some ways, the vocation of a seminarian is very much like what we ALL are called to as Christians: letting God be Lord of our life, surrendering to Him, accepting that He is the supreme lover of our lives and our souls, and accepting that what He has in store for us is best for us. And then, one day at a time putting what we've learned about all of that into practice.

So many times along my "Great Adventure" there have been voices that try to detract me from God. You know those voices. "But this other way is more FUN!" or "Can I live any kind of life at ALL if I'm all wrapped up in this God thing?" I can only tell you what I've found - take it or leave it. Those voices are a load of crap I'm having more fun than I've had in 15 years. Every day is an adventure. Even on the not so good days, I have a peace within that just makes it all OK. I wish I could communicate the power of that feeling in my life... When you find the path that God truly has in store for you, I believe you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

There are other voices sometimes, voices of doubt - can I do this, am I good enough for this, am I holy enough for this? There are voices of accusation - but look at what you just did, remember that other thing, you're not cut out for this - there are voices of temptation - but look how much more fun that is, think about how good that could be - you know voices like that probably. But, you know that song "The Voice of Truth"? That song gets me right back on track. It's what being a seminarian - actually, its what being a Christian of any vocation - is all about. Searching, trying, letting God love oyu the way only He can...setting all those other voices aside, and listening as best you can to the Voice of Truth that says, "Do not be afraid."

Thank you, SEARCH, for an AWESOME weekend!

Ain't Nobody Loves Me Better...

2008-08-02T12:20:00.002-04:00

Some may say I'm wierd - and that's OK. (I guess I am sorta'.) Anyway - a "blast from the past" - I guess I'm old enough to call this song an "oldie" - has been running through my mind so much since I heard it on the radio the other day. Can anyone guess why? I'll leave that up to you...

(If you've never heard this song, check it out! It's an 80's hit I think, from Chaka Kahn.)

Ain't Nobody...
Captured effortlessly
That's the way it was
Happened so naturally
I did not know it was love
The next thing I felt was
You holding me close
What was I gonna do?
I let myself go

And now were flyin through the stars
I hope this night will last forever...

I've been waitin for you
It's been so long
I knew just what I would do
When I heard your song
Filled my heart with your bliss
Gave me freedom
You knew I could not resist
I needed someone

And now were flyin through the stars
I hope this night will last forever
Oh oh oh oh

Chorus:
Ain't nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody
Loves me better than you

I wait for night time to come
And bring you to me
Cant believe Im the one
I was so lonely
I feel like no one could feel
I must be dreamin
I want this dream to be real
I need this feelin

I make my wish upon a star
And hope this night will last forever

Ain't nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody
Loves me better than you

And first you put your arms around me
Then you put your charms around me
I can't resist this sweet surrender
Oh my nights are warm and tender
We stare into each others eyes
And what we see is no surprise
Got a feeling most with treasure
And a love so deep we cannot measure

Ain't nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody
Loves me better than you

A Little Less Than Two Weeks to Go...

2008-07-22T21:12:00.011-04:00

...in my summer assignment here in Pikeville, and I realized I hadn't taken time to post to my blog for a couple of weeks. Here toward the end of the summer, I've been a bit busier as it began to get closer to two events that will cap off my summer 'vacation'.

First, I've been privileged to be a part of the group preparing to host a diocesan wide retreat for young adults (late teens to early twenties) called "SEARCH". SEARCH is a retreat designed to help young adults make an important transition in their faith journey to living an adult faith journey that is authentically their own in some respects. I'm gathering this from what I've learned at the preparation meetings - I've never been on SEARCH before. It is somewhat unique in that the retreat is led by other young adults who have previously made a SEARCH retreat themselves. I got invited in a dual role as the designated 'gopher' for the staff, as well as the 'token seminarian' - each SEARCH has a token married couple, a token single person, a token priest, and a token seminarian; each participates on the staff of the retreat in some form as well as speaking at a session of the retreat about the particular vocation they are living. SEARCH is this coming weekend - pray for the staff and all who will participate. (Check out our SEARCH website, www.searchky.org).

Second, some long time blog readers will remember the ROCK THE COLLAR road trip I took last year with my brother seminarians around the diocese. We're doing the trip again this year - jumping in a Dodge Durango and travelling around the diocese - one parish each day for nearly two weeks - getting to know the priests and people we may one day be blessed to serve. With some changes in our group of seminarians, I'm honored to take a stronger leadership role in this year's trip - and it has taken some time to prepare for that.

So what else have I been up to? Let's see... I've been working with the parish administrative assistant on creating a new parish photo directory - we've got that pretty much in shape and will be ready to publish it just before my assignment ends. (Who needs professional photographers and all that expense when we've got digital cameras, Microsoft Publisher, and color laser printers?) I've also been setting up the necessary arrangements for the community to do non-profit fundraising on eBay. You wouldn't BELIEVE the different hoops to jump through to get that set up - but the good news is, now the parish can sell all KINDS of things on eBay as a way to raise money for the school and missions.

I've spent some time in the Pike County missions as well (thought not as much I would have liked). A couple of weekends ago while I was off to a SEARCH meeting, there was a small flood at the Phelps mission, so one day last week I went up there with Fr. Wil to do a small amount of cleanup. This week there was a group of folks from a religious community at the Elkhorn City mission doing some home repair for families in the area and some work at the thrift store - so this evening Fr. Wil and I went over there to celebrate mass and share a (FABULOUS) meal with them. I met and spent some time talking with an amazing young woman from Kenya who is discerning God's call in her life, and trying to pray and listen to where that calling may lead. Pray with me for her - she has an amazing love for those in this world who society all to easily pushes out of sight and out of mind (and, as much as I hate to say that, I include even our Catholic society in that indictment). May God bless her in His calling for her life and ministry.

I've also been helping coordinate some small repairs and risk management items here at the parish that need to be attended to. And of course, doing quite a bit of reading. LOL.

When its all said and done, the assignment has been nothing that I expected. In fact, in many ways, its been everything but what I expected. I could go so far as to say its been anything other than what I needed...but that would be premature. Who am I to judge what I do or don't need right now on this journey? What I do know is that where ever we are, whatever we are doing, if we're listening for God to speak and looking for Him to work in our lives - well, He's right there! :-) And, I've certainly found that to be true this summer as well.

I have learned that the mission areas of our diocese - if they're like the parish and missions of Pike County - are beautiful places, with beautiful and loving people, and it would be an honor to serve them. As different as ministry looks on the surface here in Pike County, from what I've seen there are important and fundamental similarities: making Christ present in the community; loving the people around you - within the Church or not; bringing good news - The Good News - to the world...much more by what you do (and especially, perhaps, what you do and how you do it when you're falling far short of the mark) than by anything you say.

I'm far from perfect. I'm far from having all the answers. I'm just another sinner - goofing, making mistakes, tripping over the same shoelaces day in and day out sometimes. But I'm excited by knowing that how I live THAT life has the power to help others see a loving Savior reaching out to them as well. ;-)

Anyway... that's what I've been up to.

Here are some pictures of the people and places of the community that has welcomed me these past weeks:

Jesus of the Mountains in Phelps, KY:

The Jesus of the Mountains Catholic Church

The living room of this house is converted into our worship space for the Phelps community. Here you see the altar where Fr. Wil presides at the Mass, while the assembly sits in the orange chairs which you see.

The Tabernacle where the Blessed Sacrament is reserved is directly across from the altar behind two or three rows of chairs where the assembly gather for Mass. In the right of the picture you see the kitchen of the converted house, which doubles as a sacristy.

The Catholic community at Phelps just after the Saturday evening Mass.

St. Joseph the Worker in Elkhorn City, KY:

St. Joseph the Worker Catholic Church.

Just inside the Church building, you see first the Easter Candle and Baptismal Font, beyond which is setup several chairs where the assembly gathers for mass, and just beyond those the altar where Fr. Wil presides at Mass.

Some of the Catholic community at Elkhorn City with Alan following a Sunday morning mass.

Sunday morning might be the only day you'd find the Thrift Store empty. Here's a picture of part of the store, which is run in the basement of the Elkhorn City church.

Another Honest Prayer...

2008-07-09T11:18:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite prayers for more than 10 years now is Thomas Merton's "My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me..... It captures where I have been and where I am so many days - honestly. There have been many experiences, many guides, many angels along the way that have taught me to real value in 'authentic prayer' - praying what I REALLY feel - letting God see and talk to me face to face, apart from the masks of who I should be or how I should be feeling.... My relationship with God grows when I offer Him who I am, where I am, just as I am. (To read the rest of the Merton prayer, click here.

This morning during a brief meditation, I re-read a prayer sent to me by a good friend from the Archdiocese of Louisville in a booklet about Henri J. M. Nouwen. And - yep - there are days (although for me not necessarily today) - but there are days when THIS prayer captures where I am.

Dear Lord,
I will remain restless, tense, and dissatisfied until I can be totally at peace in your house. But I am still on the road, still journeying, still tired and weary...

Sometimes the journey seems to be so long. The challenges seem to be so great. The load seems to be so heavy. Sometimes I don't think I even know which road I'm on any more, and the ability to put one foot in front of the other seems like a robotic, automatic action - and there's barely enough strength to take that next step, no less consider where I'm headed...

I keep asking your angel, whom I meet on the road, "Does the road go uphill then all the way?" And the answer is, "Yes - to the very end." And I ask again, "And will the journey take all day long?" And the answer is: "From morning till night, my friend."

Oh gosh, my friends - that's often not the answer I want to hear. Sometimes, as I pray, and ask - and hear the answer repeated, sometimes I'm not ashamed to admit, I feel as if that news is more burden than I can carry. You mean I just gotta' keep doing this? Wow.

But if I let myself be washed over by those feelings of being overwhelmed - if I surrender to them just a moment, I ALWAYS find that right when it seems most hopeless, there's a light of hope burning strong inside. God present in me, I guess. A light of hope and encouragement that begins to say, "It's not all bad. It's worth it. I CAN do this. I WANT to do this. And - GOSH - LOOK, just LOOK where I'm headed!!! I can keep going. I can... I really can...

The trick is in the momentary surrender to what is real - that momentary 'realness' with myself and with God where the overwhelming wave of it all washes over me. I think that's the key for me because, where that wave wants to take me is just not where I am. The waves gather sand from the shore - but not the rock. I think when I surrender to that overwhelming wave of helplessness and neverending journey, and I let that wave wash over me - ready to let me take it where it will - then I come face-to-face with an important reality in my life: I'm living a life that's not built on or of sand. And even I can't fail to see that the rock hold firm, even if I didn't expect it to. When I surrender, I see a reality - instead of being washed completely away, I reamin anchored... and then that fire of hope and excitement and adventure is revealed in all its brightness...

So I go on, Lord, tired, often frustrated, irritated, but always hopeful to reach one day the eternal city far away...

There is no certainty that my life will be any easier in the years ahead... But there IS the certainty that You are waiting for me and will welcome me home...

O Lord, give me courage, hope, and confidence. Amen.

Pray honest. Let God (and you) come face to face with what IS - and just watch, my friends, just watch your anchor hold.

Ministry Comes in Many Shapes & Forms...

2008-07-07T11:51:00.007-04:00

One of the things I've always known - and that I'm learning even more deeply this summer - is that 'ministry' is not always confined to the ways and times and places we would initially use to define it.

Where does ministry happen?
At church. Well... yes - of course. But not only at church. If we limit ourselves to thinking that our ministry (as priests, seminarians, moms & dads, Sunday school teachers, good parishoners & catechists, etc) if we think of our ministry as only taking place at church, we're leaving a lot on the table... and chances are, our ministry won't be effective. Ministry happens wherever we are - as long as we're going where the people of God are.

When does ministry happen?
At mass. In the confessional. In formal counseling or spiritual direction sessions. Well... yes - of course. But not only in these 'formal ministry settings'. Ministry happens through relationships. We make Christ present in our lives and in the lives of others in day to day happenings. We 'minister' to others around the dinner table, in the car on a trip, on the phone talking with a friend, at the movie theater... Wherever we are.

What is ministry?
Well - sometimes ministry is just relationship. We minister to others by loving them. By having an honest, integral, building-up relationship. We minister to others when we talk about God - and sometimes most effectively when we're not 'formally' talking about God, but just living our God-centered lives in community with others. There's 'formal' ministry - which is ever so important, and often gets a great deal of our attention (in formation as a seminarian, for example). And there's 'informal ministry' - and often I'm afraid we don't pay enough attention to this.

Ask any your minister you know... any youth minister who's young people are experiencing a real relationship with God... and they'll tell you - the 'informal ministry' is as important as the 'formal ministry'. In fact, often the informal ministry is the only key that opens the door to real formal ministry.

And I don't think that's any less true for the rest of the Church - this isn't a principle that's only in play with the yunggins.

Gee - that was way off course from where I thought I was at when I started writing this. What I planned to share - and will now - is one of the interesting ways I've been involved in 'ministry' this summer in Pikeville. Are you ready??? This may surprise you... OK - here goes:

Building a Greenhouse for the Parish School

taaa daaa!!! Ministry.

Yep - there was a great opportunity in building this little greenhouse for me to BOTH participate in ministering to others in the parish AND (... wait for it... here it comes... ) allow myself to be ministered to. SHOCK! I find, if I remain open, and am genuinely trying to make Christ present in the most mundane kinds of ministry (like building a greenhouse), I ALWAYS come away knowing that I, too, have been in the presence of Christ. I ALWAYS come away knowing that God has blessed me as much in the work and effort as He may have blessed others through my effort.

Don't get me wrong - I think its dangerous to do ministry for this kind of 'payback' blessing. That approach could get us so focused on our 'good feeling' and 'the return' that, whever it goes missing so would our ministry. And that's dangerous and one sided. For me, however, (at least so far) I find that if I walk away without having that feeling of 'being ministered to' - there's probably something about my approach I need to check. (And the BEST news of all is this: even if there IS something within that I need to check, if I'm doing my best, it seems I've still been able to 'minsiter to others'.)

Anyway... enough of my rambling... here are pictures of the "Great Greenhouse Build of 2008" - an opportunity of ministry I was blessed to participate in. I got a chance to meet, work with, and get to know some great folks... and create a space for the students at St. Francis School to learn more about caring for our earth.

I Doubt It...

2008-07-03T11:21:00.002-04:00

“I doubt it.” How many times a day do you think it? We doubt the superficial and irrelevant all the time I suppose. It’s going to rain this afternoon. I doubt it. Or maybe My NASCAR driver is going to win, and the new UK coach will win the championship this year. I doubt it. Sometimes we doubt ourselves – and that’s a little more important, a little less superficial. I’m going to exercise this week. I doubt it. Or maybe I’m going to spend quality time with the kids. I doubt it. Maybe it’s ever deeper. I’m doing a good job as a mother or father. I doubt it. Maybe somewhere inside there’s even sometimes a more fundamental question: I’m a good person – lovable and loved. I doubt it. Yes, doubting it can be quite a lot more than superficial and irrelevant. And it seems sometimes our doubting doesn’t just stay confined to one area of our life. If we’re doubters (and, we can probably admit it, right… we’re all doubters sometimes, aren’t we??) If we’re doubters – we’re doubters even about the most important things at times: The hairs on your head have been counted… I knew you before you were in the womb… You are a child of God… God made you specifically, exactly the way you are… God loves you… You have been forgiven… You are special because of who and how you are in God’s eyes… Hmmmm…. Do we ever ‘doubt it’?

Prove it! That’s what we say. Prove it! We say it about the superficial and irrelevant doubts. We say it to ourselves. ‘Talk is cheap… the proof is in the pudding… show me what you’re made of… I don’t believe it.’ We’re proof-oriented people. Sometimes our doubt is so strong, we don’t even acknowledge our desire for proof. Sometimes, we know we’re not supposed to doubt, and we can’t even acknowledge it to ourselves – not to mention someone else; or God – that we doubt. It’s part of the mask we sometimes wear to feel better and safer and more secure in ourselves and our lives and our faith… because sometimes this illusion of security and steadfastness is – we think – all that can make the genuine doubt or fear or loss of anchor or anxiety livable.

Consciously or not, we think ignoring, burying, or hiding our doubts is the best solution to overcoming them. And perhaps this is a result of the most fundamental doubt of all that sometimes plagues us. The doubt that if we doubt we’re somehow less human, less acceptable, and less lovable by God. So we get on that bandwagon that has lashed St. Thomas all these years… ‘Don’t be a doubting Thomas,’ we say. ‘He’s such a doubting Thomas,’ someone says and we nod our heads. And we hear a homily rebuking the sin of doubt (and it is, after all, rebukable) – and we nod our heads, and bury our doubt even further within… doubting that our fragile faith would survive the fear and ridicule that surely would be ours for being ‘a Thomas’; perhaps even more afraid of how God would view our doubts… if we were to ever bring that idea any closer to mind than the extreme boundary of our consciousness where even now we probably try to push the possibility aside.

You may doubt that you doubt – but I know I do. God save me, I doubt. Sometimes about big things in big ways. Other times about little things in big ways. But sometimes doubt follows me about like a shadow. And when I try to dress it up, or make it disappear, or ignore it, all I do is add layers and layers of makeup masking myself from my brothers and sisters… and more disastrously, masking myself from God. When I cover up my doubt because “Good Christians” or “Good Catholics” or “Good Seminarians” or “Good Priests” don’t doubt – well then, all I’m doing is hiding my face from the God who loves me; just like Adam and Eve hiding their nakedness from God in the garden. Oh… but what my heart longs for is to stand face to face with Him, to reveal myself completely to Him in the light of truth… and chase away the doubt with knowledge and experience of being known and loved… without the makeup covering the doubt. Yes, what my heart truly desires is elimination of doubt… but you see, we can’t do that unless we acknowledge it, look at it in the light of day ourselves, forget our pretensions about whether or not we ‘should’ doubt… and get to the truth of it. And then, oh friends… then we’ll see that we can hand our doubt to God… and put our hands in the nail marks of our Lord’s hands… and believe.

Today, the Church celebrates the Feast of St. Thomas the Apostle. An apostle whose words we all seek to make our own: “My Lord and my God.” Thomas’ doubt flowered into faith – a faith that is available to us all. Doubt isn’t disastrous to our faith – unless we keep it hidden, unless we hide it from even ourselves. No, my brothers and sisters, doubt that is offered to God in the light of truth, it flowers into faith. Because our Lord is always there to invite us to believe – if we invite Him into our doubt. Don’t be afraid of your doubt.

What do you doubt today? Can you say it clearly in your mind? Can you accept and own whatever doubts you really have? Do you doubt you have the strength to carry you another step down a difficult path? Do you doubt that God can bless and strengthen your marriage? Do you doubt you have been or are a good parent or spouse? Do you doubt God can love all of you – sin and all, imperfections and all, doubt and all? Do you doubt that God has called – is calling – you to a vocation that is specifically yours; a vocation to marriage, or a vocation to priesthood or religious life, a vocation to single life? Do you doubt you have what it takes to acknowledge that call – to follow that call? Do you doubt you can overcome some sin – some addiction, some pattern of living that seems to hold you prisoner? Do you doubt…? Today, don’t hide from it. Today, learn from Thomas. Today, remove the mask… stand face to face with our Lord and say, “My Jesus, I’m sorry… but I DOUBT.” And listen as our Lord, softly and tenderly – without rebuke, without disappointment – but rather with love, and compassion, and joy at the trust in Him you’ve shown to share your doubt with Him – listen as our Lord gently takes your hand, shows you the Truth that you are most loved by Him… experience today the relief of letting go of that doubt as it fades into the knowledge and experience of a risen God who calls you for His own.

The only doubt that destroys is hidden doubt. When you share your doubt with God, it will be transformed into faith. Thomas only doubted until he gave the doubt to the Lord. Taste and see, beloved, that the Lord is good.

My Lord Jesus – I doubt. Right now in my mind, I face my doubt. Right now in my mind I give it to You. Right now… right now I give You my doubt. I won’t hide it any longer. Turn my doubt to faith. My Lord and my God. Amen.

St. Thomas, pray for us, that we may too receive faith from our doubt.

On the Stove Again...

2008-06-28T11:01:00.004-04:00

...I Just Can't Wait to Get On The Stove Again...

OK - that's not how Willie Nelson sang it - but when I moved here to the rectory for my summer in Pikeville, one of the things I was most excited about was the chance to cook again. Don't get me wrong, I'm so VERY grateful for the dining room situation at seminary. When I'm struggling with papers, or reading, or even just 'tons of stuff to do' at seminary, its nice to not have to think about what to eat. Just showing up at mealtime is very nice. But I do love to cook, and I miss it some.

Anyway, I've been cooking for Fr. Wil and myself and really enjoying it; and I didn't let up while he's been gone. Earlier in the week I was talking with Mom on the phone; she's often sharing new recipes she's discovered with me. Two of them she shared were very interesting, and I thought I'd give one a try.

Now... I should be honest - sharing a recipe most often includes having it read to us, but not necessarily writing it down. I've always sorta' thought of recipes as 'guidelines' rather than rules. (You know, like Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean...) So I always modify and tinker, maybe replace something with what might sound better to me. So, the recipe is just getting the general idea of what the creator was after, and then in the cooking, I sorta' make it my own. *shrug* It's more fun this way.

Anyway, mom - this entry is for you! Check out what I had for dinner last night!!!

Sacramental Oils

2008-06-28T10:39:00.003-04:00

Each year, bishops in the Catholic church bless oils that will be used by every parish in their diocese throughout the year for the various sacraments. There is the Oil of the Catechumen, Oil of the Sick, and Sacred Chrism. These oils are used in many of the Church's sacraments, including baptism & confirmation, annointing of the sick, and calling to Holy Orders. (If you're interested in reading more about the Chrism Mass and/or the oils, check out these two links: Chrism Mass Bulletin Insert; Chrism Wikipedia Article.) Though different Christian denominations may not practice blessing or use of oils in the same way, scriptural references to "annointing" should not be foreign - and it is easy to understand (even for those who don't practice it) a Christian community reflecting practices of annointing due to its prominent place in the Old and New Testaments.

But - I digress. (Who? Me? Digress? NO WAY!!!)

Because the Chrism Mass is celebrated each year, a replenished supply of sacramental oils is provided by the ministry of the Church through the Bishop each year, and unused oils from previous years are to be consumed - typically by fire. I don't know the theology of it - but somewhere inside it seems to resonate with the idea of trusting God today for what we need today. We are not a people that need to hoard - God will provide. (But - as I said, I don't know that for a fact....)

Anyway, while Fr. Wil has been away on vacation, he asked me to consume the previous year's holy oils. Looking for guidance online, I discovered ways to burn the oil - but it didn't seem right to me to just light the fire, like I was burning trash. *shrug* Just me, I guess. Anyway, I wrote the following prayer that I said each time as I lit the fire to consume the oils - it felt more appropriate to me to offer some sort of prayer, and the exercise in considering what might be included in this prayer deepened my appreciation for what God is doing in the sacramental life of the Church and the person when the oils are used. (That may be a lesson for the future - if I need to deepen my experience of something, I could try to write an appropriate prayer related to it... hrm....)

Anyway - here's the prayer I wrote:

Father, for love of Your people, You give the Church sacraments to strengthen us in our journey toward You. Through the ministry of Your bishops, you transform everyday oils into Holy matter through which Your priests welcome us, Your children, into Your Church, confirm Your calling in our lives, strengthen us through illness, and guide us always to You. We praise and thank You for such provident care.

Each year, You provide for our family of faith a renewed store of these Holy oils as our local Church celebrates Your continuing care for us, and seeks the blessing of the Holy Spirit on the ministry offered through these sacramental oils. Today, we celebrate this continual care for us as we consume oils from previous years with fire – confident that we will never be lacking in what we need for our journeys.

Accept this as an offering of praise for this care. As we return these oils to You by fire, we ask the same Holy Spirit that once came in fire to anoint your Church at Pentecost to strengthen all those who have been blessed through the imposition of these oils in times past. Bring them all, and us, into the light of Your presence.

We pray this through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Your Son, who lives and reins with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever. Amen.

It's Stupid and Petty, I Know... But...

2008-06-27T07:27:00.004-04:00

...I LOVE my jeans. One of the things I loved most about the job I held for 12 years before going to seminary was the freedom to work in a professional context where bluejeans were acceptable. And crocs. And - OH MY GOSH - can you believe it? Even the occasional untucked shirt.

Today, we received an email from the new administration at St. Meinrad outlawing jeans. ARGH!!! What? You mean its possible to look professional, be taken seriously, be considered by others to be 'dressed appropriately' in bluejeans and an untucked shirt? Uh - YEAH! Welcome to the year 2008 (about ten years late...)!

But, you are being formed for the priesthood...the standards are different. Yes, I agree 100%. The standards ARE different. But WHICH standards. Could it be we spend so much time focusing on the externals that the internals are slipping? Could is POSSIBLY be that a life steeped in prayer, genuine love for the people of God, prayerful preparation for liturgy, a genuine availability to the flock he tends - could it possibly be that these things are more important to a man's ministry as a priest than whether or not he is DRESSED APPROPRIATELY?!?!?!!

Not to mention that from personal experience, the most effective ministry I've received from the priests in my life has most often come when they WEREN'T in 'chapel dress'. Eye to eye, person to person, priest (who is a 'real person' called to the vocation of priesthood, but a real person who - GASP - wears bluejeans) to parishoner...

Case in point: Fr. Wil (my supervising pastor for the summer assignment here in Pikeville) wears a clerical shirt for masses. Period. The rest of the time he dresses casual - and the people appreciate it. And so do I.

OK - I'm done ranting. Truth is, I love St. Meinrad - and I hate change. I'm intensely insecure about the complete transformation of the administration there. Not only is there a new Rector - but almost all of the administration and formation staff have changed in one broad reaching swoop. And that makes me nervous, because I wonder if the St. Meinrad I've come to love will be there when I return from the summer. And (did I mention it??) I hate change.

So...even something 'simple' like "No more jeans" freaks me out a little.

Hrm....

...THIS must be why I need five more years (at least) of formation before I could even consider seeking ordination. ARG!! Pray for me folks.

Square Ministry

2008-06-25T10:28:00.008-04:00

Ministry in the mountains is, as I said in a previous post, a bit different than I imagined. That doesn't mean it doesn't have its surprises. Last Thursday after morning mass was over and I'd settled down with a good book for the morning...

Random thought that has nothing to do with this post here...
I'm enjoying some of my extra free time over the sumer reading the Kay Scarpetta novels written by Patricia Cornwell that have come out in the last several years. I LOVE this series - Cornwell writes books that - in my opinion - catch you from the moment you begin. A former girlfriend of mine in college got me started on reading Cornwell, and I've remained a big fan. I got a little frustrated when 'The Last Precinct' came out, and then Cornwell wrote several other novels without the Scarpetta character who is - by far - my favorite contemporary fiction heroine. Anyway...I discovered when visiting the Pikeville library that there are several Scarpetta novels out since I last read Cornwell. I've read one already (plus two Grisham books that were good, too), and I'm into my second - and have another checked out ready to go.

...and now we return you to the regularly scheduled blog...
...already in progress...
when Fr. Wil comes outside and says, "Today, you're going to learn one of the most important skills in Mountain ministry. We're going to call SQUARE DANCING for a group of kids having camp in Campton."

As you could image, I almost dropped my teeth (except that, thank God, I don't have dentures that I could have dropped.) Though the drive up to Campton was long, the kids there had a great time (and Fr. Wil had as much - if not more - fun than they did).

Fr. Wil having (more?) fun warming up himself before we get started.

And as I remembered during the Smoky Camping trip (I think I'd learned it long before - but it just isn't always present to mind), if the kids are having fun, it's all worth it. So - I've been initiated into one of the 'most important skills for mountain ministry':

Fr. Wil calls the Virginia Reel while Sr. Amy looks on.

Father warms 'em up with a line dance.

The Virginia Reel is always a big hit.

My Home for the Summer...

2008-06-23T18:42:00.008-04:00

Things in Pikeville have been much, much quieter and slower than I had anticipated. 'Great expectations' are to blame, I think. I had imagined so much (more? that's probably not the right word... I think I imagined so much different work being done), because Fr. Will is the only priest in the whole county, covering the Pikeville parish as well as two missions. As it turns out, most days seem very slow to me, with just one or two things to accomplish for the whole day.

I'm strugging a bit with this - and praying with it. What lesson does God have for me in this? I suppose, as so often before, there are the common lessons I can always use reminding of: God is more concerned with who we are, how we are, and our relationship with Him than what we DO. BEing is so much more important than DOing. I suppose also there's a real message in dropping our expectations and preconceived notions about how we'll serve Him - and instead remaining open to what (and where, and how) he puts whatever ministry in front of us that will serve Him. After all, this kind of surrender, this kind of letting go and getting out of the way, is important to making sure that we're following God's agenda for ministry, and not our own. Pray with me about this, my friends. One of my biggest shortcomings is an inability to effectively cope well with nothing to do.

Still, I have to say, the people and places of Pike County are amazing. The parish family here have welcomed me very warmly. And I've been invited into many homes. I enjoy so much those times I'm able to visit folks who are recouperating in the hospital or unable to get out much - either bringing communion to them, or just spending some time with them offering some encouragement and prayer. I also enjoy the quiet moments of prayer here at the rectory with a good view of the eastern Kentucky mountains. I pray Morning and Evening Prayer most days with this view in sight.

Here are also some pictures of the parish church in downtown Pikeville... including one showing Fr. Wil preparing for mass.

Survived Camping Trip

2008-06-18T09:52:00.007-04:00

Some of you have been wondering whether or not I survived the camping trip. Well I did - and I had a good time, too. Even got into the water, believe it or not. There were about 50 or so kids, but plenty of adults on hand to make it run very smoothly. Jeff Estacio (another seminarian from my diocese) was also there. All in all, I survived it - and have another experience to talk about. :-)

We arrived there Monday of last week right after lunch, and left Thursday just before lunch. During the days, we took the kids hiking in Deep Creek park (on the North Carolina side of Great Smoky Mountain National Park) - and also took them tubing down Deep Creek which runs through the camp ground. I went tubing only one day - it was enjoyable for the most part, but shallow parts on some of the runs meant by oversize rear end got stuck quite a bit - and I didn't really enjoy walking down the river carrying the innertube. LOL. Then there were the creepy crawly friends along the river. I'm not scare of many critters except those without legs that crawl (and SWIM!!!) on their bellies. So, I only tubed the first day.

The highlight of the week for me was "camp mass" that Fr. Will and Fr. John celebrated for us right there in the campground. A more beautiful cathedral would be hard to find - and the kids really seemed to enjoy it as well. In some ways, it reminded me of my own very, VERY fond memories of Church camp when I was much younger.

Here are some pictures... more later this week on how I'm passing my time here in Pikeville.

Fr. Will making his world famous pancakes on Tuesday morning.

Alan with some campers playing "Speed" - a great card game - or a new one that the kids taught Alan called "Egyptian Rat Slap"! GREAT FUN! You can see one of the campers from here in Pikeville - Thomas - making MOOSE EARS behind my head in this photo.

Fr. Will and Fr. John celebrate mass at our campsite.

God Wants Our LOVE More Than Our Sacrifice

2008-06-12T21:28:00.003-04:00

As part of my formation goal for the coming year, I'm trying to develop a sustainable priestly spirituality. Based on the recommendation early last year of Fr. Ron Knott, a member of our formation staff on loan from the Archdiocese of Louisville, my goal includes beignning a prayerful reflection each Monday on the coming Sunday's readings. My goal is to reflect on the readings each and every week as the week unfolds. In addition to that, twice a month or so I will practice writing a homily-like reflection. My hope is that this practice deepens my spiritual journey of discernment and formation by helping me listen more closely as God speaks to me and the community (communities??) I'm a part of... and also that I practice trying to be an instrument of God speaking to others through that process.

*shrug* I'll share at least some of these reflections here for those who may be interested. More to come soon on my recent trip with Fr. Will and about 60 2nd - 4th graders for four days of camping and tubing in the Smoky Mountains. Peace.

10th Sunday in Ordinary Time

Hos 6:3-6
Rom 4:18-25
Mt 9:9-13

I’ve always been a person of good beginnings. I get excited at the front end of a project. I get excited and make plans and commitments. I have grand images of how things will be with this new chapter in life. And I love God – I do. And so my images are often those of piety. Coming to Pikeville for the summer, for example. As the end of the school year approached and I learned of my assignment for the summer, I began to get excited.

I saw myself covering the miles and miles of mountains being a beacon of hope for the Church there. I saw myself rising early in the morning to pray. I’d pray the whole Office, stopping five times faithfully each day to offer a sacrifice of praise. I’d get back to a regular practice of lectio divina and have long talks with God. I’d meet and serve the poor, the forgotten, the underserved. I’d spend a Holy Hour every day at the parish church. My struggles with day to day living would vanish in a cloud of love and service to God’s people. After all, God was calling, and I am willing!

And then, soon, two things happened. Sure as anything, after a couple of days that voice of doubt and past experience began to creep in. “Come on, Alan – we’ve been here before. You never live up to those images of piety. You never seem to pray as much as you think you should. You never do as much as you like. What do you know about the mountains? What do you know about much of anything – after all, you’re just a seminarian… and a new one at that!” Yeah – that old voice I’d heard before – and the scary thing about it is: it’s true. I never seem to get as far, as well, and surely not as Holy as I’d hoped. And with that realization, sometimes I’m tempted to give in to what has been – surrender to what I’ve always been, how far short of the mark I’ve often been. All that light and excitement and energy that comes with the good beginning threatens to get clouded over.

The second thing that happens is, I actually begin that beginning. I move to Pikeville. I begin to start routines. I try to set the bar high and work through all the plans and images and imaginings I’d had floating around in my head. I set out to do what it is I thought I would. And wouldn’t you know it…not even two days into it and it turns out that voice has a lot of truth. I didn’t pray that Evening Prayer as devoutly as I’d wanted. I didn’t get up and exercise one morning like I thought I should. Instead of spending my evening writing letters to those I know who need encouragement, or praying with the scriptures as I thought I would, I watched a movie. (Oh – it was a good movie all right – but as soon as it was over, there was that voice – back again, louder than before – and with ample evidence at hand to prove its point.)

It’s a familiar story – and perhaps it’s familiar with you, too? Ever have great dreams of how you’ll honor or serve God that just don’t seem to come out the way you thought they would? Ever decide to start some – even simple – prayer or devotional practice as a way to boost your relationship with God only to find a few days into it it’s gone by the wayside? Ever decide you were going to participate in some ministry here in the parish, only to realize months down the road that you never made that first call? Do you ever hear that voice that says, “Here you go again, my friend. Bet you’re gonna’ miss the mark. See? You already are!”

Good thing that’s not the whole story, isn’t it?

There’s GOOD NEWS for us today – GOOD NEWS to be had here where Christ has come to be present with us in Word and Sacrament. Yes – GOOD NEWS in the very WORD of God. And that GOOD NEWS is that God KNOWS us – KNOWS us well enough to express His LOVE for us in a way that allows us to LOVE him back. And the best news of all is… that its our LOVE he wants most from us. When we genuinely and truly love Him, all the rest falls into place just as it should.

We heard in our first reading that God knows our ‘piety is like a morning cloud, like the dew that early passes away’. I’ve been struck by the beauty of the mist over the mountains on these early mornings here and Pikeville – and by how quickly the sun burns it away. Yep – just like my good intentions sometimes. Here for a bit, and then quickly burned off when the ‘day-to-day’ routines kick in. And if this were all there were to the story, we’d all be in trouble – wouldn’t we? But God tells us in this first reading that its not perfection in all our good intentions He’s after – it is our LOVE that God desires – God wants us to LOVE Him and to know Him.

We don’t just listen to that voice that accuses us, that voice that reminds us of our shortcomings. We don’t do that any more than Abraham did when God told him he’d be the father of many nations. Abraham probably heard that same voice that we sometimes do – he was almost a hundred years old and married to a barren woman. He could have heard that same voice saying, ‘There’s no way, old man. No WAY for you to father nations. Just LOOK. Look at your limitations. Look at your shortcomings.” But, instead, we read in Romans that Abraham never doubted God’s promise – never doubted that God would do through him what God said He would do. And it was credited to him as righteousness.

Today we’re here to worship a God who loves us – and knows us. A God who knows our limitations, but calls us forward anyway. A God who calls even those of us who fall short of the mark sometimes. And what He asks of us more than anything is to love Him. Christ came not for the perfect, not for those who perfectly live what they set out to live. Because God knows our inability to reach perfection better than anyone – after all, He created us. No, those who are well don’t need a physician, but the sick do… those with shortcomings do… those whose fervor burns off like the morning dew need Christ. And how is it that we respond? With love, by our efforts to know God, by our actions that grow from that love and knowledge.

The sacrifices, the holocausts, the devotion and service to God that are true – that last – that will be sustained long after the morning sun has burned the mists of our own plans and designs away… they grow naturally out of that genuine love for God – a love planted in us by God, a gift from Him that constantly draws us back to him…, that love the flowers as beautiful as the wildflowers in a spring meadow.

As we worship Christ in Word and sacrament, let us remember that what God wants most from us is our love. As we eat His body and drink His blood, let it nurture us in that love that brought Him to us in the first place. And, with a true love and devotion of men and women healed of an eternally terminal illness, let us go forth from this place to share this GOOD NEWS with those we meet. For, when our love grows strong, nourished by Christ Himself, the piety, the devotions, the sacrifice, the life we live will be stronger, more beautiful, and more pleasing to God than anything we could come up with on our own. That love will help us know how God intends us to honor and serve Him, and give us the strength to follow His intentions – and that love will sustain us, even in our shortcomings, so that our efforts won’t burn off like mist in the first ray of sunlight.

Together, strengthened by this Eucharist, let us ‘Go and learn the meaning of the words: I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ Amen.

News Flash: Alan NOT Missing :-)

2008-06-05T11:10:00.002-04:00

Three months - oh my goodness - three months since I last posted anything on my blog. My apologies. I could come up with a long list of excuses - and some of them might even be close to good - but that wouldn't serve any good purpose. This morning I realized as I was checking my email that the only thing keeping me away from posting to my blog today was a sense that it had been so long since I'd written anything, I wouldn't know where to begin. What a pathetic reason not to post something, huh?

I realize its like that sometimes in life for me. Great things I want to do... then I miss a day or a week without doing them, and THAT becomes the reason for not doing it next time I think about it. Quite stupid, if you ask me. It's a lot like the readings for this coming weekend's mass. (Check them out here if you like...http://www.usccb.org/nab/readings/060808.shtml.)

Anyway - one of my goals for the summer was to get back to at least a somewhat regular blog posting. So, to "clear away" that stupid excuse for not knowing where to begin, here's a quick 'news brief' on what's taken place over the last couple of months.

I finished up my first year in seminary at St. Meinrad - and brought in straight A's again in my coursework. More important than the grades themselves, though, I believe I finished the year with a good balance of study, prayer, relaxing, entertainment, social interaction, etc. In short, I feel like I reached a good balance in all the important things to keep myself spiritually, intellectually, mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. That is an accomplishment I thank God for more than the good grades.
I completed my term as president of my class - and decided not to run again. I'm very pleased with this decision, though it was a hard one for me to make - I genuinely enjoyed and was energized by that role in caring for and building community with my class brothers at seminary.
I was asked (and accepted) by the formation staff to serve as the seminary community's banquet coordinator for the coming year. I'm pleased to be able to serve the community in this way, planning menus, coordinating other men as they serve the community at table, and hosting the community and its guests to our most important events and times in the life of the community. Graduation banquet before the end of the year was my first 'trial by fire' - and it was awesome... we welcomed 325+ people for dinner and celebrated our graduates. It was incredible.
I have also been given the opportunity to learn about - and put my action where my mouth is - the social teachings of the church by serving the community next year as the Justice and Peace Chairman. I don't know a lot about the Church's official teachings in these areas, and though they're often dear to my heart, I'm shamefully lacking in doing anything in this area. I'm praying that serving the community this way will help eliminate both of those problems.
I completed my annual evaluation with the formation staff, and received their endorsement to proceed to the next year of formation. This evaluation is a critical look at all four areas of formation for priesthood (intellectual, spiritual, human, and pastoral) and how a man is progressing in these areas. As part of my ongoing discernment, the annual evaluation is an important way the Church participates in understanding God's will for my life.
After returning home for the summer for about a week, we had our annual seminarian convocation with Bishop Gainer. It's wonderful to live in a diocese , and be blessed by the spiritual leadership of a Bishop who knows the seminarians he may one day call to the priesthood. Bishop Gainer spends time with us - not just at convocation - and I'm certain he prays for and with us by name. More importantly, he genuinely gets to know us - our journeys, our strengths and weaknesses. Heck - he even visited our seminaries this year and spent time with the formation staff. For our convocation this year, in celebration of the anniversaries of the second oldest dioceses in the U.S. (of which Bardstown - which became Louisville - and from which Lexington traces its roots), we 'road-tripped' to the proto-Cathedral in Bardstown, as well as the first seminary west of the east coast, and also the oldest church located and operating in the diocese of Lexington. It was great to meet new seminarians from our diocese (welcome Rob and James!!!!) - and difficult to say goodbye to Holy men who've discerned that continued formation is not for them (Tim, you'll remain in our prayers - we love you brother!!!).
Finally, I've settled into my summer assignment at St. Francis of Assisi parish and missions in Pike County, Kentucky with Fr. Will Fraenzel - a priest of 40 years whose spent most of his ministry in the moutains of eastern Kentucky. I'm still learning my way around and figuring out what I'll be doing, but I'm excited about the opportunity to learn about "mountain ministry". Next week, Fr. Will is taking me camping with a hoarde of second graders in the Great Smokey Mountains - pray for me. :-)

I can't think of any more 'news updates'. At least this gets me past feeling I wouldn't know where to start. Now, hopefully, I'll get off my excuses and update here with some frequency. Pray for me - and know that all you who read this blog and especially those who are so encouraging with comments, emails, letters, and gifts - you all remain in my prayer as well.

Peace.

Darkness...

2008-03-06T22:14:00.004-05:00

Total darkness. Bit by bit the candles are extinguished. The prophet cries out in lamentation to God's people, "Return to Him." Through the words of the psalms, we see our Lord's progression to the day, the time... that day... that time...

When all of creation trembled. When darkness as had never been experienced before settled onto the Earth. When all was dark - at least for a moment. When it seemed to those who didn't know that it would be so forever. And even to those who knew, who'd been told for generations what was to come, but couldn't recognize it. And even to those who'd been told just seeming moments before...

...and yet, the darkness settled because the light would dawn again. The perfect light. The perfect darkness, as it were, was not defeat, but rather a opening into which perfect light would again break forth on the scene, return to the altar, and burn there - forever bright - for all of mankind.

+++++++++++++++

Tonight our seminary community celebrated an early Tenebrae service. If you've never taken the opportunity to attend a Tenebrae service in your area, consider doing so this year. For a moment, perhaps, feel just a bit of the soul's true lament - and the awakening (and peace, and calm) that always follows the dark. And the light - Oh the Light! - that breaks into the darkness. For a few moments, I am reminded of the stark reality of "what this is all about" - this life, this love, this journey that we are all on. Yes - joy comes in the morning. All we have to do is knock. Seek.

Congratulations!

2008-02-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

This evening St. Meinrad celebrated the installation of the 1st Theology men to the Ministry of Lector and the 2nd Theology men to the Ministry of Acolyte. Lectors are designated by the church to be ministers of scripture in liturgy, Acolytes are designated by the church to be ministers of Eucharist and to serve Deacons and Priests at the altar. This isn't a precise theological definition, but its close.

Anyway, congratulations to them all. And especially to Jeff Estacio, my diocesan brother studying here at St. Meinrad with me who was installed as a Lector. As we pray together with and for Jeff, we continue to thank God for the gift of vocation, and ask Him to bless Jeff with guidance, strength, and the wisdom of discernment.

I took a couple of photographs during this evenings Eucharist when the Bishop of Lafayette (IN) installed Jeff and the other men, but the pictures were wobbly and shaky. (I'm learning that happens sometimes when you're not using a flash.) But I did get this good picture of Jeff (far right) along with Fr. Noel Zamorra, a priest of our diocese and Jeff's cousin, and Deacon Saviour Nundwe at a banquet we shared as a community following the installation.

And - can you believe it - we DID get our snow day after all! One of our professors was not in my second class this morning, and due to bad road conditions, the seminary has cancelled our ministry assignments for tomorrow. Imagine that - 34 years old, and praying for a "snow day" still works. (Mrs. Holbrook, if you're out there somewhere reading this, I learned all about praying for Snow Days from you!)

OK - We're Not In High School, But...

2008-02-11T20:11:00.000-05:00

There's something about the magic of snow (and the fond rememberance of "snow days"???) that gets even seminarians a little goofy when the white magic begins to fall. It started earlier today, and sifted all around - and was quite beautiful. Here's a shot of the "Holly Tree Courtyard" (not the same courtyard as the photos a couple weeks ago) with the snowcover.
And it was REALLY coming down hard. Compare this view out of the front window my room with the one I posted a couple of weeks ago. The treeline just beyond that small parking lot in the center of the photo (clearly visible in the earlier photo) is nearly obscured by the snowfall in this picture.
So - of course - what was "the talk" at dinner? Among other things, whether there would be a "snow day" tomorrow, and the fun we'd have sledding down the back hill from the monastery. The senior men here tell stories about how you can get from the monastery on the crest of the hill all the way down and across the state road that runs along that edge of the property and WELL into the cleared field beyond. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Although - the chances of an official class day cancellation is next to nothing. Most of the faculty and administration reside in the monastery, and those that don't live very closeby. But we can remember how fun it is to "hope" for a snow day, can't we?

After dinner, it REALLY began to fall. And I couldn't resist a couple other pictures showing how beautiful the snowfall is around here. This picture is taken in the same Holly Tree Courtyard as above, from nearly the same spot. Look at the SIZE of those snowflakes!

The lights illuminating the front of the Archabbey Church (just through an archway from this courtyard) also really show off the beauty of the snow as it falls:

So, knowing of course that we wouldn't get to tune into some radio or TV station tomorrow morning and hear those magic words from our youth, "No school today in YOURTOWN County" we took a few minutes to go outside and enjoy the white wonder. Here's a picture of Chris Hess, a 1st Theology man (who's room just happens to be right beneath mine - both our rooms are located just above the porch where this picture is taken).
My pet even got in on the excitement of it all. (SHHHH - don't tell the rector or the formation staff - technically, we're not supposed to have pets. It'll just be our secret, OK?) This is "Lindsay the Ladybug" enjoying the snow. See - she had to get over to the window to keep an eye on it too.
Enough of my crazy rambling! Honest, I had something "deep" to blog about today - and I may still write about it sometime soon. (The significant difference between "individual" and "personal".) But, here's a deep thought for today that I think we all overlook way too much: Sometimes the "depth" of life exists in the joy we can take in the frivolities. We are living for a world to come - but we are also living in this life, and can, and should, and MUST enjoy it from time to time.

Ash Wednesday

2008-02-06T19:12:00.000-05:00

"It's a perfect day for the beginning of Lent," I thought to myself as I was getting dressed this morning. It was a grey overcast day, the wind was blowing, and there was a strange humidity in the air. Perfect for the penitent, soulful reflection that we launch into during Lent. Muggy, grey, rainey. Just what Lent is all about. Right?

As I was outside following Morning Prayer, I noticed that the wind was picking up. It reminded me of how "tossed about" I feel sometimes in a season of reflection like Lent. Brought face to face with my shortcomings. Brought into the only light I ever thought there was to Lent - the light of reality at how unholy I am sometimes. How far from the mark I often fall. And there was stirring up a chill in the air - not quite here yet, but on its way. (You know how you can feel that in the air?)

I returned to my room, and spent some more time in prayer and reflection. Yes - indeed - this is a perfect day to be reminded that we are of dust, and to dust we will return as the ashes are placed on our foreheads in the sign of the cross.

Mid morning I decided to go to a communal Stations of the Cross. Standing in the narthex of our seminary chapel with others participating in this devotion, I was touched by how small by comparison the physical inconveniences I was enduring were compared to the physical catastrophe Christ endured. My knees creaked and popped every time we genuflected - and they hurt, just plain hurt. But how could I complain, even to myself. But even as the narthex seemed to transform into a sauna, and the sweat trickled down my back, I didn't find myself emotionally "flogging" me for my limitations, physical and spiritual. Instead, I found some strange blam for my shortcomings in this devotion on the Passion.

Again outside, the clouds had cleared away almost completely. And a brisk, almost spring air, blew through the courtyard. "Yes, this IS a perfect day for Lent to begin," I thought as I reflected on BOTH the greyness of the earlier part of the morning, and yet at the same time this refreshing breeze that was now blowing. Lent must be a mixture of these two somehow - not because that's what I was experiencing in the weather, but more because that's what I was experiencing within. I could have not gone to the Stations meditation, it wasn't required. But I gained a new sense of comfort from it - comfort even of my shortcomings. And that comfort was a refreshing breeze to me.

At mass, our rector reminded us the the ancient mark on our foreheads this Ash Wednesday was not just a reminder that we are among the clan of the sinner penitents, but also a reminder of Who we are claimed for, of the hope we have in Him. Into lunch where we ate a simple meal and instead of our typical conversation listened to a reading from the Holy Father on the "hope we have in Christ", this interesting mix of grey and sunny continued in all that I was doing and experiencing. It had to fit together somehow more than I was able to grasp.

And then at midday prayer, the Archabbot provides the answer - something I'd never really "got" as deeply before: We celebrate Lent because of Easter, not the other way around.

We celebrate Lent because there IS an Easter. We don't find our way to Easter because there is a Lent. The brightness, the joy, the peace, the dawning, the joy of Easter - THAT'S why we enter into the somewhat more grey days of Lent. And yet - even in the "grey days" we can't lose sight of the brightness, the spring breeze that blows around us, the REASON for our Lenten journey that's never really apart from us - the Easter that draws us forward.

We don't "earn" Easter with our Lent, we celebrate Easter through our Lent. We're never closed off from it.

Yes, indeed, today was the perfect day to begin Lent. I have a greater sense now of what St. Benedict meant in his Rule when he said for the monk Lent should be always before the monk - every day should be a Lent. The sunny days, the grey days, the muggy unpleasantness of the days as well as the crisp refreshing awakening days. Every day, we should see and find and embrace both...and be amazed at the beauty of it all.

Snow and View From the New Room

2008-01-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

For the second time since we've been back, we got some snow here on the Holy Hill overnight. When I awoke this morning in my new room and looked out one of the windows, I was struck with how beautiful the snow covered landscape was. These are views from my new room.

And when I made it to the Chapel for morning prayer, I noticed how wonderful the snow looked in my favorite courtyard that I've blogged about before.

This is truly a place of beauty to pray, learn, have some fun, and discern.

Getting Moved...

2008-01-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yesterday was moving day for many of us here at Saint Meinrad. The long awaited renovation of St. Gregory Hall is entering its very final stages (it will be officially dedicated in a couple of weeks), and its complete enough that the seminarians occupying the space are moving this week.

GEESH! I thought I'd slimmed down my life before coming to seminary. There's nothing like a move to help you realize all the stuff you have - and how much of it you really just don't need. I didn't make any "keep or toss" decisions over this move, but I can clearly see how much I need to do another round of that.

More and more over the last year or so, I've been made aware of my attachments. Sure - like most everybody in the western world, I notice that I've got overattachment to "things". But I'm also able to see some real progress in my life on this score. I'm not nearly attached to things as I used to be - certainly not attached to having many things, the specific things, the cool things. I'm growing to be appreciative more and more of a calling in life that stops using things to keep score. I like having fewer things.

But, this move has made me aware of another kind of attachment that I struggle with that's a lot easier to overlook. I'm attached to my "nest". (I'm sure there's a better word for it, but for the life of me I can't think of one.) It seems as if it doesn't really matter to me how much or how little space I have that is a space for me... I'm less and less concerned (though I have a long way to go, believe me) with what I have to put in that space. But, I like it when I have that space, I'm in that space, what "things" I have are in a home that works for me in that space, and I'm nice and settled.

Even the idea of that space being in transition freaks me out a little bit. I've had a growing frustration over the last three weeks that really seemed to mostly vanish once I'd got the move over with - and really more than that, once I'd got settled in. In a matter of just half a day of moving, my emotional stress level was cut in half, and this morning when I woke up from sleeping in the room, probably half again. Amazing!

It's great to get this little tidbit of self-awareness, it may help me to be more proactive in move situations in the future. But there's more to it than that. More to learn to let go of. More to be ready to surrender. Diocesan priesthood in the United States today will not likely require me to be without any space in which to live and "nest". Diocesan priesthood in the United States today will not likely require me to move every couple of months even.

But - that doesn't mean that I don't need to look at this attachment, and try to become able to let go of it. We're all called to live a life where our heart is not attached to certain things, places, spaces - or even having a stable space. We're called to live a life that's attached to a cross. The closer I get to that, the more I understand its not just about sacrifice, though that's certainly there. It's also beautiful, and free, and a gift in and of itself.

Anyway...that's what's happening in my world today.

Obedience... and Grumbling

2008-01-15T19:37:00.000-05:00

I can follow directions. I'm kinda' good at it, actually. If "you're in charge," then I'm very good at trying to understand your expectations, and doing that. But, I'm coming to see (and try to pray about) my tendency to accept "following directions" as the same as "obedience". In my heart, at least these days, I don't think these are the same things.

Following directions for me often looks like this. I hold hard and fast to what you said, and pay even more attention to what you didn't say. Like a good bureaucrat, I look for the room in between what you say and what I really want to do - and maneuver in that space like crazy. Often, I think very carefully about ways that I can ask my clarifying questions to give me the room to maneuver that I desire. And I'm pretty good at coming up with those questions, getting the answers that I want, getting the words from you I need to do mostly what I wanted to in the first place. I'm following the directions I was given - and still not being very obedient when I do that.

And then there's the grumbling. When I can't find the room to maneuver that I want, I don't just outright defy the instruction. No. I follow it. To the letter. Meticulously. Over-zealously. And gripe and moan the whole time. To everyone who will listen to me. I help others gripe and moan. I fan little sparks of frustration into flame. It's my "retribution" I suppose.

And it's not obedience.

As I sat here today reflecting on this - frustrated with my tendency in this regard, praying about it, asking God to help me with this characteristic, I looked up momentarily over my desk. There I have two photographs of Christ carrying his cross. Back bent under the weight. Blood trickling down his face. Thorny crowns piercing his brow. And there's a closeup of he face - and what do I see?

No grumbling. No grumbling...

Serenity. Acceptance. Surrender to God's will. Taking up the cross for love. And no grumbling.

We read about the Garden prayer. "Father, if it be Your will, let this cup pass from me. Not my will, but Your's be done." And no grumbling.

Barely 5 months into formation for a life of acting in the person of Christ, and my grumbling continues. At ordination - if it be God's will - I place my hands in the Bishop's and promise obedience. No - I don't promise to "follow instructions" merely. God save me from being a priest who "follows instructions" only. The bile and bitterness and discord in my own soul that I sew with mere "following instructions" leaves me wanting - I can only imagine what it offers others.

Father, save me from the mistaken "obedience" of "following directions". I seek a life of obedience to You and Your will that is free - free in love, free of grumbling, free of manipulation and maneuvering and the false-martyrdom of miserable half-hearted cross carrying. I rely on Your grace for conversion of the half-hearted heeding of instruction into the obedience of Christ that won our salvation.

Teach me, Father...

Real Talent...

2008-01-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

You may have read some of my blog entries about our diocesan seminarian roadtrip this summer, called "Rock the Collar". On that trip, one of my seminarian brothers from the Lexington diocese took a photograph of me that he's posted on his blog... you can check it out here. Jeff also has some GREAT photos of St. Meinrad on his blog that genuinely capture the beauty and spirit of the Hill. Jeff has some real talent... he also took this photo of me that is one of the best adult photographs of myself that exist.

Thanks for sharing your photographic artistry with us Jeff.

Challenged by the Rule

2007-12-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

For a while now, I've made it a practice of studying the Rule of St. Benedict each day. When I first began my discernment journey, I was praying about and investigating a monastic vocation, and for about a year and a half I studied the Rule this way, and found it very rewarding. The journey today, of course, is in discernment and formation toward diocesan priesthood. But I've come to realize that there is still something within that is attracted to, formed by, and desires to conform to Benedictine spirituality. With my Vocation Director's permission, I was received as an Oblate Novice of St. Meinrad where I study for the priesthood. Oblates are those who strive to apply Benedictine spirituality to wherever they are called in life. There are men and women, young and old, married, priests, all walks of life represented among the Oblate community. (You can read more about the Benedictine Oblates of St. Meinrad at this website: http://www.saintmeinrad.edu/monastery_oblates.aspx.

Anyway, this morning as I was reading and reflecting on the Rule I got hit right smack dab between the eyes. (That's a good thing, by the way. Not always comfortable. I don't always enjoy it. But how can we grow without the occasional BAM right between the eyes?) In Chapter 20 of the Rule, Saint Benedict instructs his monks this way: "We must know that God regards our purity of heart and tears of compunction, not our many words."

Ouch!

I hope you won't be scandalized if I share a "secret" with you: I'm not perfect in the pure of heart category. And there are many days that my "words" may seem much more pure than my heart can match. I suppose in some respects that's a reflection of the human condition. And one of my important goals is to learn to live for and seek a heart that is devoted to God and by His grace acceptable to the vocation of the priesthood. But wow do I have a long way to go. And my sense is that I will always have a long way to go. We are, after all, humans. We are, after all, sinners.

This morning, I am reminded that it is only by God's grace that I can even attempt to utter the right words in His praise and service, and that any purity of heart I've attained is His doing alone through grace. I'm reminded that I am broken, and made whole by His love and care. I'm reminded that I lack perfection, which is no excuse not to strive for it, but rather it is an invitation to humility in the face of Him who leads me.

I may have shared here before (I don't remember) words of challenge and comfort shared with me by a priest at the Cathedral that is my home parish, Fr. Frank: God doesn't call those to the priesthood who are qualified, He qualifies those He calls. Thank God.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

2007-12-19T19:38:00.000-05:00

OK - I'm a bad blogger. Haven't written anything in almost TWO WHOLE MONTHS!! Arg - sorry folks. I wish I had some good reasons, but I don't. Just got busy with school. So, for something completely different ... instead of NOTHING on my blog... here's something. ;-)

TOP 10 QUESTIONS BLOG READERS HAVE ASKED

1. Is everything OK?
Yes - absolutely! Everything is MORE than OK. I settled well into the routine as St. Meinrad, have made some great friends, and (now) have finished my first semester of school in more than ten years. I really, really feel like the luckiest guy on the planet most days - even when there are things I don't like about being in formation, I absolutely adore being there. (Does that make sense?)

2. Are you silent because something troubling is going on?
No. *grin* I really appreciate all the emails I've received asking if everything was OK. I tried to answer them individually as I got them. But - and this is the truth - everything is just fine. Some asked if I was leaving the seminary. Nope - right now you'd have to drag me away. (See #1.) I am home for Christmas, but you know what I mean. True - there are some things that come up during the formation experience that aren't completely appropriate for the universal world of the blogsphere - and these aren't always bad or difficult things, just some stuff isn't for "public consumption" you know? But, really, there's nothing troubling going on.

3. You haven't quit writing all together have you?
No - absolutely not. I write all the time. I write papers. Gosh do I ever write papers. And I guess that's one of the differences with the blogging. In my previous job, I didn't get to scratch my writer's itch at work, so I was drawn more often to blogging perhaps just because I love to write. But papers aren't all that I'm writing. I'm starting on a small book, too. Don't know yet if its a book that will ever be for anyone else to read but me - in fact, writing the book is really something that I decided to do as part of my spiritual formation, so the act of writing it accomplishes the goal. But, some day, perhaps it'll be something that's available.

4. What classes are you taking?
Interesting that I never blogged about that. I'm in the first of a two year of the philosophy program that's required for those with bachelor's degrees that weren't in earned in seminaries, so it's a little "light" on the theology, but here goes:

* Creed in History & Theology
* Ancient Philosophy
* Logic
* Human Development/Christian Maturity

Those are done now. During the month of January, we have a short term during which I'll be taking two classes: Human Sexuality (a celibacy formation seminar) and Christian Spirituality. During January, we'll also begin our ministry assignments which for philosophy men is parish observation. I've been assigned to the Cathedral in the Archdiocese of Louisville, where I'll spend the better part of most Wednesdays.

5. Is it really that busy at seminary?
Oh yes, as one of our Deacon class men would say. True - we're only in class in the morning four days a week. But, intellectual formation (classwork) is only 25% of the overall formation program. In addition to prayer, study outside class, and completing assignments, I've been having to focus on planned "down time" to keep some good balance. This comes in many forms, sometimes reading, continuing to practice icon writing, hanging out with the other men in my class, and things like that. Overall, I'm sometimes amazed at all that I've accomplished in a day - and sometimes amazed at all that even the productive day leaves undone.

6. What do you miss most?
My family and my home. But I keep in touch by talking on the phone and emailing, and sending written correspondence. It's funny - but one of the things I've found myself doing more since going to the seminary is actually writing a card, a letter, or a postcard - it had probably been 5 years since I'd done that before going to school. Don't know why... it just seems to fit a bit better.

7. What do you like most?
The rhythm of prayer that is the skeleton for everything at the seminary. I hope it helps me to create that rhythm of prayer as the foundation of my days even when I'm not in the seminary. And oh do I ever love the beauty of prayer at St. Meinrad. There's nothing quite like the chant that even us poor seminarians pull off in our seminary chapel. I hope to be able to practice enough to be able to do that also even when I'm gone.

8. What are you reading?
Apart from classwork, I keep two or three books going at once and try to stop a couple times a day to read just a couple of pages from one or another of them. These aren't books I "study" - but rather books I try to reflect on slowly, over time, in the context of what's happening in my life. I suppose its a sort of lectio divina - though you'd have to have a broad definition of that to include this. Anyway, I blogged some about the "Prayer for Beginners" book I started with. I've also finished a book on St. Ignatius's Examen practice written by Fr. Tim Gallagher. Right now, I'm reading Fr. Gallagher's book on St. Ignatius's rule for Discernment of Spirits. Along with that, I'm reading a book by the Rector of the seminary on Priestly Spirituality, and a classic seminarian read in Fulton Sheen's "A Priest is Not His Own". I try to spend a couple minutes each day with reflection on a small paragraph or so from The Rule written by St. Benedict, and reflecting on the mass readings for the next day and the coming Sunday.

9. What Will You Do Over Christmas Break?
NOTHING!!! Just kidding. I am excited, though - its the first time in FOREVER that I've had this much time off at Christmas. I've visited a 2nd grade class to talk about vocations and had a great time. I'm sleeping in (but just a little). Doing a little work to try to raise some funds. I'm at the cathedral's evening mass every day, and keeping to my LOTH prayers. And - just enjoying some frivolity with my time too. I bought two computer games my first day home, and have played them some - something I haven't done in months. But the days aren't empty at all. Seems like something worth doing (as in, not really a waste of time) comes up as I go along - like Monday I went to Louisville to visit a great friend who lives on the other side of the country who was in for a few days.

10. Will you keep blogging?
Yup - I'm gonna' try. Hopefully in the new year, I'll be able to get in the habit of more regularly posting.

Well - those are the answers to some of the common questions I've been getting. If you're reading this, I congratulate you. It means you didn't completely give up on checking the blog. Now I'm off to have some dinner with mom & dad, and see what the evening has in store.

Blessings to you all as we keep vigil this last week before a most excellent celebration!!!

Standing Under a Harvest Moon...

2007-10-26T08:12:00.000-04:00

...so bright that I can see the shadow of my breath on the ground beneath me. The gentle rustle of water in a small fountain reminding me of the peace of the place. The four walls of the courtyard hugging me warmly and reminding me that I'm in the arms of Love itself. Midnight is not a scary, dreary place. God is there. I'm grateful I recognized it last night.

This week has been a bit crazy. A good kind of crazy. But crazy nonetheless.

We were out for a long weekend this past Friday and Monday. It was nice to be home for a visit. Nice to give and receive hugs from the family. Share Grammaw's special breakfast. (Mmmm.... scrambled eggs, sausage...and the highlight: Cinnamon Toast!!!). Nice to have a meal and catch up with mom and dad. Nice to visit with a true woman of God and His will for our lives - a spiritual guide I trust even as I work more routinely now with my assigned spiritual director at seminary. Nice to pray at the Cathedral - home also for me. Nice to make small talk with the cathedral's newest priest - a man walking the next bend in what seems to be this journey that I'm walking. Nice to see both of the twins - get to hug them, tell them in person I love them. It was nice to visit.

...and it was nice to be back. Something funny happens when I make that last turn in the road that leads from the highway to the Holy Hill at St. Meinrad. The twin spires of the Archabbey church peak through the landscape...and I know I'm returning home. And then, I plunge in - with a light heart, with joy at a good week's work.

Yep - there have been papers to write galore this week. There have been guests to host. There have been evenings that need to be shared with brother seminarians. Visits with the Vocations Director for our diocese. All in and through the tempo of prayer. There have been letters of gratitude to write for all whose back in the diocese who are praying for us, and who take a moment to encourage us with a card, or some cookies.

...and there have been impromptu encounters with the Harvest Moon, in a small courtyard, where if you're quiet enough, and you're looking, and you catch a stream of grace you can find a moment to be with the God who creates it all, who calls us all, and who sustains us through it all.

Pretty cool.

So, Really, What's Going On?

2007-10-18T07:52:00.000-04:00

A friend called the other night - a friend who reads this blog to keep up with what's happening with me. And she asked, "Um... I don't know anything at all about how your days unfold, what you're REALLY doing at seminary." Funny - she's right. Don't get be wrong, the important stuff that's happening on a deep level often finds its way here. But, that's often a result of the "tasks" at hand. It's a fair question - that I'll try to from time to time - reflect on.

What's a typical day? There are none. I mean, we have a "typical schedule" - but what I'm coming to find out is that what's even more normal than the typical schedule is some sort of adjustment to that schedule. It was frustrating a bit for me at first - but as I began to reflect on it, I realized it was good practice, good formation, for the life of a priest; whether the seminary does that on purpose or not is almost irrelevant.

Classes around here are four days a week, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. The normal schedule for class days goes like this: Breakfast @ 7, Morning Prayer @ 8, Class @ 8:30, Class @ 10, Mass @ 11:30, lunch after mass. We don't have afternoon classes during our first year, but starting next year some of our classes may be in the afternoons.

Evenings are sorta' scheduled like that. Evening prayer is at 5 throughout the community for the most part, though we only pray with the whole community one night a week. There are meetings galore - not all of them optional - and they eat some time. And, of course, there is the studying that needs to be done.

Wednesdays aren't "Free Days", though it may appear so. Wednesdays are time reserved for pastoral formation, celibacy formation, rectors conferences, colloquies, and things like that. The schedule isn't usually as booked on Wednesdays as other days, but they're full nonetheless.

Gee - you're probably thinking - that's a pretty light schedule. How is it that seminarians always seem so busy (having a hard time staying current on correspondence, always talking about all the work they have to do, never seeming to have a moment's time at all)? It was a mystery for me, even in the first couple of weeks I was here. Gosh, I thought, this is going to be cake. Um.... I was wrong.

The only way I know to tell you how the time gets used is to list the things that I, for my formation, try to accomplish on top of the scheduled things above on a regular basis:

* Spiritual direction (1 hour every two weeks)
* Spiritual reading/reflection (1 hour each day)
* Work out at the Gym (1 hour twice each week) - I try, this doesn't always happen.
* Journal on "where I am" spiritually, in formation, and discernment (1 hour twice each week)
* Correspond with a priest of our diocese (1 each week)
* Correspond with a brother seminarian from the diocese (1 each week)
* Pray Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet (1 each day)
* Holy Hour (prayer before the blessed sacrament) (2 times each week)

OK, these are just the "seminarian" things I try to do. My list also includes things that are important to me, and that I feel I need to do so that I don't become too unbalanced or burned out of unable to focus. For example, I try to talk to my family/friends on the phone at least twice a week. I try to spend time in some creative enterprise at least a couple of hours each week - right now I'm trying out the prayerful painting of icons (called "writing"), I'm also trying to work with a brother seminarian here who has an interest and talent in making vestments to learn to do - and enjoy - that. And as strange as it sounds, I make a "plan" to spend at least two evenings a week just hanging out with my brother seminarians. If I don't plan that, it won't happen. A lot like planning to post on this blog, and even planning time in my week to - literally - do nothing.

Every day I look at what needs to be accomplished - for school, for my spiritual formation, for my sanity... and I pray, "Lord - my plate is full. Thank you for the amazing opportunity to be here, in this place, undergoing this formation. Please help me to remember that this is NOTHING without You, that I can't be a good seminarian - no less a good priest one day - apart from You and the relationship we share. I want to overflow with your love, not overflow with activity. Give me the grace of perspective I so desperately need." With varying degrees of success, driven by how much I surrender each moment to Him, it comes together nicely.

So...anyway... in case you were wondering, that's what's going on with my days and my time.

Still Need the Light...

2007-10-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

Being at seminary doesn't make one Holy. :-) I suppose I knew that coming in. I suppose I knew that seminarians aren't Holy. I suppose I knew that, even at the end of seminary formation, ordination does not itself make one Holy. I should clarify - what I really mean is perfectly holy. That's what I'm not. I'm grateful more and more each day for formation - for a process of identifying, sanding away (sometimes knocking off with a sledge hammer) those parts of me, of self, that aren't part of what a healthy, strong, Christ-centered man is. After all, first and foremost, before and a part of being "priest" MUST be being a healthy, strong, Christ-centered man. Thank GOD for formation. Thank GOD for the Church's acceptance of imperfect men as clay tossed on the wheel to be shaped and molded.

Most of all, Thank GOD for the Spirit which helps to make us (all of us, not just seminarians) moldable, formable. For His word and work in our lives that makes the clay more pliable. I read in a book on prayer when I first got here words that ring in my head every day, over and over. It's ALL grace. ALL of it. Not of me. Grace. Grace to be open. Grace to be convicted by the Spirit. Grace to be drawn to reconciliation. Grace to be accepting of - to love - to be challenged by and at the same time inspired by - the whole process. Grace to smile through it, even when there are difficulties. Grace.

But, I digress. What I really wanted to share was how powerful a song from my youth has been today. (Have I blogged about this Charlie Peacock song before? If so, I apologize.) When I was in high school Rich Jones was our Campus Life coach. He was the first person I ever heard start a prayer with "God - you are SO AWESOME!!!" His approach to life and following Christ literally - and I mean literally - rocked my world. Put me on a new footing with God, got be out from behind the little walls of loving God only through prescribed sentimentalities that I wasn't connecting with on a real level at all, and brought me to a place where I could walk and talk with God a little more authentically.

Anyway, one day I get in Rich's car - I think he was giving me a ride to work after school or something. And there's this SONG on the tape player. (Yep - I'm old - cassettes in the car were what we had. Didn't know what CDs were yet.) Anyway, this song comes on the tape. And it, too, rocked my world. About a year or 18 months ago, DC Talk re-recorded the song. I have it on my iPod. I'm in a habit now (don't fall off your chair, those of you who know me) of getting up around 5:30, and by 6 I'm outside somewhere with my iPod praying. Some of my prayer is rooted in listening to a handful of songs that really lift my heart to God, and help me pray to Him those things that words are insufficient to pray. This song is one of them.

Father - I want to be in the Light. I trust you to birth in me continually, every day, as I strive for continual conversion, a spirit that even more aptly struggles against that-which-is-not-of-You. Save me from the disease of self. I want to be in the Light. I'm still - and always will be - a man in need of a Savior!! Thank You for sending & being that Savior! Thank You for all the days and all the ways that You are molding and crafting me into the man You want me to be. Thank You for the grace of conversion. Thank you for the reminder of how MUCH I want to be in the Light, and how reliant on You for that I am. I truly am falling in love.

I've been trying to find a light
on my own, apart from You.
I am the king of excuses -
I've got one for every selfish thing I do.

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul.
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
to keep this sickness under control.

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior.
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
that I'm still a man in need of a Savior.

I want to be in the Light, as You are in the Light.
I want to shine like the stars in the heavens.
Oh Lord - Be my Light, and Be my Salvation!
All I want is to be in the Light!

Family Meals...

2007-10-07T09:06:00.000-04:00

It was the worst Thanksgiving ever - even worse than the year I stayed at college over Thanksgiving instead of coming home. It was horrible. For the past three or four years, the family had been coming to my house for Thanksgiving. That year - there was no way to get that to happen. Mom & Dad & Grammaw had all decided they didn't want to share Thanksgiving with others who had just as much right to be in my home. I couldn't force anyone's hand - that wouldn't make any sense. I couldn't mend any bridges - in fact, there was no mending that could be done. The reactions, the preferences, were not completely unjustified on either side - including mine. I cried. Cried hard. My heart was breaking. Those I loved most in the world couldn't be together at the same time around the same table in my home. I love them all - felt equally drawn to welcome them all at my table - saw imperfections on all sides - understood where everyone was coming from - and, honestly, even on some level saw that it just must be that way. I tried blaming mom... it didn't work, even in my own mind.

Nothing could bring my family united in heart and mind and spirit to the Thanksgiving celebration around a table in my home, a symbol of the place of deep love and devotion I hold them all in. That Thanksgiving, we all did the best we could...and my heart was broken. The tears still come when I remember it.

Today is Sunday... how long will be break the heart of God this way? God, who calls us to Himself - seeing that we cannot gather around one table? How long will Christ see all that was won in and through ultimate love and untimate sacrafice divided, unforgiving of one another, with only platitidues and "forced" respect and affection for the sake of appearances?

My heart breaks each time I bow before the altar, each time I kneel in God's presence to remember Who He is, What He Did, How He Loves Us Still. I don't know how to gather the whole family together...but I must believe God does. I don't have the theological answers, don't know how to address the cultural divide that today seems even more insurmountable than the theological divides, don't know what to do always but to be at the table myself as best I know how...

...but I know what it feels like to try to gather my family together in one place only to find that - my table set, my love offered, I must offer it fully and completely to my family gathered at different times and different places. Surely I don't paint God's experience of the divided human family only with my own experience... but it must be somewhat the same by analogy.

Will you pray with me? Can we, in this action, unite ourselves at least this way?

God - We are divided. But we love You. We are honest and authentic in what divides us - all trying our own way to love and serve and listen to You as best we can. Save us from being divided for the sake of being divided. Save us from being divided because we can't be bothered any longer to wrestle with that which divides us. Save us from being divided because after all this time it has become comfortable. Save us from being divided beacuse we are lazy.

To the extent that we break Your Heart in our division, we are sorry. We love You. We trust You. We follow You. And we're not perfect. We take the good from Your hand, and the bad - knowing that the bad isn't You or from You, but trusting You work all things - the good from Your hand and the bad - for our good. And so - give us the grace to walk with Love and Authenticity toward You, and draw us to Yourself. And, when it be Your will, join us in Your house around Your table, for a Thanksgiving fully together with You and one another.

Amen.

Peace be with you all.

What I'll Trade for an "A"

2007-09-27T16:31:00.000-04:00

Perhaps every first time seminarian runs into this problem at least once. My sense is that I will probably notice it more than once time before I "get it right". In fact, chances are this will continue to be something for me to work on forever that falls into the category of "ongoing conversion". What am I talking about? What it is that I'm willing to trade for an "A"...

Well into our first semester as seminarians, we're all wanting to do well. I mean, we're here, we've found our way to the chapel and the dining hall - and figure that as seminarians we at least know where to pray and eat - so surely now's the time we being to be evaluated. And we want to perform. I don't think I've met a man here who doesn't want to do well - do well at discerning, do well at developing spirutally, do well at becoming even more whole and mature men, do well at being formed into priests. Only problem is - in this very broad context of formation, only one area is sitting right in front of us every day with a very clear things to do list, a large amount of our day planned for us to prioritize this effort, and continual feedback and evaluation all the time. Academic studies. And so, for me at least, that naturally means it becomes the focus.

Now, don't get me wrong. Of COURSE it should be part of our focus. After all, we must learn to be priests. And we have a whole heck of a lot more to learn than just how to read the sacramentary and the Liturgy of the Hours book. But since academics are such an objective focus, I discovered over the past week and a half or so, it had become my WHOLE focus.
I can say it even more plainly, though it pains me to admit it. I realized on Monday that the last week had been almost completely dedicated to striving for an "A" on the first major academic assignment on our calendar. I worked a couple hourse every day - on it for two weeks; a couple hours that before this time had been spent on prayer and spiritual reflection. In short, I traded a couple hours each day in academic pursuits for time growing in my relationship with God.

But - a couple hours isn't a huge deal. After all, God has called me to be here in the seminary for now, and being here in the seminary means going to class, learning the material, and performing adequately. What WAS the problem was, as the due date got closer, I traded more than a couple hourse. At mass, my mind would get distracted by the assignment. At morning prayer, my mind would get distracted by the assignment. When I woke in the morning, my first thought was the assignment. When I went to bed at night it was the last thing I thought about. In my conversations with my seminarian brothers, it was what I talked about. I wasn't trying to learn the material and adequately perform, I was trying to get an "A". Trying to be outstanding.

Trying to live beyond my means academically...

...and I was willing to trade my prayer life to obtain that.

THAT's the problem. Although, I'm not beating myself up for it. What I am doing is thanking God a TON for that realization. Because, I believe, we don't get those realizations from our own minds alone. They are grace. EVERYTHING is grace. Grace to see how I can better balance. GRACE to see I'd got a bit out of balance. GRACE to accept my shortcoming, to see and accept that there were some issues of pride involved in it. GRACE to accept it as ask for more GRACE to address the issue.

Today, as I continue to work with this realization, I realize I no longer want to trade my prayer life, my time falling in love here at the seminary, with intellectual pursuits. You know - funny thing is - I "made this trade" - and have no idea whether I'll get an "A" or not. The even funnier thing? I realized it doesn't matter. Because, even if it earns me an A, it wouldn't have been worth it.

Does this mean I'm ditching any focus on my academics? Uh... if ever a cliche was called for it is here. No - I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. (I love that cliche, and almost never get a chance to use it.) What I really realized I need to do is work constantly, daily, in a self-aware way, on striving for balance. Some days, I may need to trade an hour or two of my prayer time for extra studies. Other days, I may have an hour or two extra that I can trade from free-time to prayer. Some days may genuinely lend themselves to a proper sharing of priorty and time. But - overall - I don't think it makes sense to get out of balance.

The US Bishops say that becoming a well formed priest happens relying on four pillars. They don't emphasize one over another. To become a well formed priest, we must grow spiritually, mentally, as mature well-adjusted men, and academically. If I went to the gym every day for six months and only exercised my right arm, I'd end up looking a little funny...and I might even end up handicapping myself in some way. Balance...appropriate balance...growing and being formed across the board.

Not only do I not want to do it... I think I'm being asked to try my best not to trade my spiritual life and formation for an "A".

Pray for balance for my brother seminarians and I.

Living Sacrifice on an Altar...

2007-09-20T23:34:00.000-04:00

It's been a crazy week. I wrote in an email to my mom that I'd not been able to keep up with which end was up. Yes mom - its because its been a hectic week. Nothing deeper to it than that... at least I don't think. The people walking the face of this planet today that I care about the most are my immediate family (grammaw, mom, dad), my friends (two in particular), and the twins. Of the six, I've spoken to one on the phone this week, and two others only once by email. That's what I mean by a crazy week.

And then, tonight, I saw a living sacrifice offered on the altar here at St. Thomas Aquinas Chapel. No - there wasn't any blood shed. We did not slaughter anything... well, not literally anyway. But - it was still no less meaningful, no less dramatic - at least for me. What I saw, there before my eyes, on the same altar on which I see the holy and living sacrifice of the mass celebrated each day, from which I receive again the fruits of the perfect sacrifice offered once for all so many lifetimes ago...

...there on that altar I saw nine men literally lay down their lives. It was a lot less bloody than what probably came to your mind from the title of this entry. It was a lot less violent that the scene painted in the Gospels of Christ's sacrifice. But it was no less significant than those in this respect - I watched these men lay their lives on the holy altar - in the presence of, on behalf of, for the ministry and nurturing of, the Church...

Tonight, eight men of our 4th Theology class made their deacon promises. One by one, three times, they read aloud promises that handed over their lives to the service of God, and God's people. One by one, they processed to the altar, placed their hands on the Holy Gospels, and pleaded for God's grace and assistance in being faithful to these promises. One by one, they arrived at the altar, placed a sheet of paper upon which they had writted in their own hand the promises they were making, and there - on the altar upon which we participate in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, they signed their names.

Greater love have no man than this - that he lay down his life for his friends. And his enemies. And those he's never met. And a world of lost and lonely people in the shadow of our steeples. What a witness. What a gift.

Pray with me for my brother seminarians: Brother Jeremiah, Aaron, Matt, Joseph, James, Dennis, Jose, and Jeremy. Pray for the grace to remain faithful to their promises. Pray thanksgiving for the gift of vocation in their lives that has enabled them to travel this journey, and step to the altar to freely offer their lives.

Tonight, I saw eight lives offered to God... and I was moved.

I Have Some of the Strangest Prayers Sometimes...

2007-09-13T02:02:00.001-04:00

Call me a sentimentalist... swayed by emotion... Yeah - I'll buy that indictment. I just don't buy that its always bad. Apart from anything to ground it, it can be dangerous. But, when it leads me closer to Christ, I'll take it.

What am I talking about? Some of the lyrics to songs that are patently not about God - many that are what you might call "love songs" - that can very easily take on a resemblance to prayer for me. Try this one on for size that was on the radio as I was struggling against the temptation to hang up the towel and call it a night before finishing my work for the day:

You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find,
your love is a pearl.

You're my Mona Lisa,
you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

The world will turn and the seasons will change,
and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
My only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow
ever more beautiful in my eyes.

When there are lines upon my face
from a lifetime of smiles, and
when the time comes to embrace
for one long last while,
we can laugh about how time really flies.
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies.
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

OK - I know - there are some theological problems with applying these lyrics out of hand to Jesus. First of all, thank God, when it comes time to say goodbye to this world, it won't be for "one long last while". But - isn't that because True Love never dies? And, after all, if there's a definition of the grace that we've been given by God, isn't it His True Love?

Well - OK - maybe its too much of a stretch. I don't know. But I do know this much is true. I can look at God squarely, and with all truth, honesty, humility, and gratidue... and say, "And my only prayer is that you realize You will always be beautiful in my eyes."

What Value a Soul...

2007-09-10T22:24:00.000-04:00

The chapel was darker than normal...and the Easter candle was present and lit. Quietly, from our places of study, or rest, or exercise, or fellowship, our community made its way like a medieval cadre toward the light of the candle. A momentary pause to remind ourselves of grace by touching water to our forehead, core, and right then left breast. Another momentary pause to set ourselves aside for this office we're about to undertake...set ourselves aside by honoring the altar instead of ourselves. And then to our seats...

...safe and comfortable, wrapped in the warmth and glow of the Easter candle and all it represents. So very unlike those souls I saw perishing before me on the screen as the decision to tumble from the doomed building was carried out. So very unlike the souls tonight who sleep in fear of terror, whether in New York or London, or the sandy ways of the Middle East, or the heartland of America. Whether their trembles come from fear of the unimagined next iteration of "plane as bomb", or the unwavering attack of another military action, or the need to carry out another military action in response to one's duty to country, or fear of a loved one's safety who is half way around the world carrying a weapon. So many souls... so much fear... so much need for peace...

...and we sing Where hate and fear divide us and bitter threats are hurled, in love and mercy guide us and heal our strive torn world... and cry out in chanted meter, "When I call, answer me, O God of justice." Yes... in the recesses of our heart we scream ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME, will you? I don't understand, I cannot see... where is justice, where is love, where is peace?

...and again we sing deliver EVERY nation, Eternal God we pray... and somewhere within our heart finds the temptation to say, "Yes... deliver every nation, find some way, won't you, to restore peace? To bring family and friends home, to restore families and lives destroyed in thousands of ways...on all sides of the conflict. Deliver us all, Eternal God we pray"

When hope and courage falter, Your still small voice be heard; with faith that none can alter, uphold us by Your word.

And I gaze upon the Easter candle, and bend my voice into the prayer my brothers and I pray... and realize that through the ages, men have prayed in this way... wondering... waiting... watching...

Two thousand nine hundred and eighty five. Right? The number of souls that perished on that day? And how many since? And how many lives destroyed, and families ripped apart? What value a soul? What price can we put on that life? Just one of them... that first one I saw tumble to the hard, cold pavement? What price?

My prayer seems insufficient. The lighted Easter candle seems dim in comparison. My bow, my untrained mode at chant. What value that soul - I don't know, but certainly more than I can pay. "Yes", I hear from my Friend. "More than you can repay. So, does that mean you get off the hook with a few words, a bow, a song?"

No, my Friend. But, all I have to offer is a prayer. Clinging like a baby to a promise for the peace that will one day come, I say, "Peace be with you". And I say it to all, as representative of my intention, and my Friend's. And I shut my mouth, and make my bow, and walk silently away into the world in which I can pray in a different way... and if I've understood my Friend rightly, the prayer of my words will become the prayer of my actions.

What value a soul? Just one... just one who died on that day?

Keep bright in us the vision
Of days when wars shall cease,
When hatred and division
Give way to love and peace.

Is EVERYTHING Holy and Uptight at the Seminary?

2007-09-08T17:54:00.000-04:00

Someone very dear to me asked this question in a casual phone conversation earlier today. I about died laughing. I suppose you would have had to hear the tone of voice the question was asked with to understand why I was laughing. They'd just said, "Are you going crazy yet?" and the tone of voice implied, 'Um...I KNOW you - and you're a good guy and all, but not stuff and uptight and not what I would think of as holy all the time." I laughed because, my friend is right. I don't think of myself as stuffy and uptight, I don't think of myself as the caricature we have in society of holy. Walking around all day with my hands folded in prayer, my head bowed, not cracking a grin or ever venturing an enjoyment of any kind. Always thinking on the "lofty" and "holy" - never enjoying the experience - any experience.

A modern day Pharisee.

No - that's not me. And, indeed, if that were the life of a seminarian (or of a priest), I'd be somewhat concerned. Not only because I don't know if I could be turned into that person - but also because I don't know that becoming that kind of person is good or healthy for a priest. Not healthy for the priest, nor for those he may join one day in a parish.

No... everything is not that kind Holy and Uptight here at seminary. We have a good time. We occasionally do just like you - sit around, have a beer, watch some TV, listen to music --- yes, there IS music at the seminary apart from chant, we even play the frivolous game every now and again. Yes - we DO have fun, enjoy ourselves, enjoy the community within which we live.

Let me give you an example. Last night was an all-school picnic. It was held at the UnStable - yes, that's what its called, UnStable. It used to be a stable I think - now its a campus hang out, and as such being very much no longer a stable, its the UnStable. There's a cover band of seminarians here (called Abbey Mode - its hilarious... Abbey Mode... its very descriptive of the sharp and quick wit among the community here - if you don't get it, post a comment and I'll explain it)... anyway, Abbey Mode played for a couple hours last night. And as a cover band, they're amazing. They could play a classic Lynard Skynnard song ("Sweet Home Alabama") right before playing a GREAT cover of "Play the Funky Music White Boy". And - hold your breath now - while they were playing some of the guys were... are you ready???... shooting pool!!! Wait... hang on... we're not through yet. Yes, that's right, I even drank TWO BEERS while that was going on. Scary, huh?

No - in fact, for me, its not scary at all. It's honest. It's authentic. It's healthy. And... its holy.

"What? Now I KNOW you Catholics have flipped your lids... having a beer and shooting pool as Holy? What's next?" Well, I don't know what's next - maybe watching a movie at the local theater. Oh, wait... we did that last weekend... and it was holy too.

Before you think I've gone crazy, let me explain. It's holy because we were there, together in one place, all here for a common reason. We're all here to follow what we believe the call of God Himself to enter into the full time and full-life service of His church. We're here to be formed into healthy, stable, loving, caring men of God, men who can live in and strive in a community of others. We're here to be formed into good priests, and to try to listen very closely - in fact, as close as we can - to the Voice that is the only Voice that can truly call us.

So, when we exist authenticly as real people, enjoying one another's presence, building one another up, sharing community, and recreation, and good music, and good fun - it IS holy. We're practicing what it means to be happy, healthy people. We're acknowledging that we're people, living in the world - and even though not OF the world, we strive in healthy community. Holy because, as we live and breathe and enjoy life in the company of one another, we open our lives and experiences to the presence of God among us. We see and experience Christ in our friends, and our formators (yes... Father Rector was there, yes... my formation dean was there..., yes, the monks even on occasion walk around on this planet sans habit)... and we're given the opportunity to discover what it means to be Christ to others, to genuinely love and care for and experience life.

Is everything Holy at seminary? Yes - I think it is. Even in our weakness, our shortcomings, the places we fail, the ways in which we fall short of the goal - there's holiness in that as it becomes manifest and as we open ourselves to the work of the Spirit in forming us.

OK - don't get me in trouble with the Bishop. Please don't take from what I said that its OK to do whatever you want to do and milk life for all the vice its worth and call it Holy. :-) That's not what I said at all. What I did say was that living an authentic life can mean not being stuff shirted all the time, it can mean enjoying time with others, it can mean letting one's hair down and just spending time with one's friends. And, I am saying that doing that can be holy.

Uptight? Inappropriately pious? Somber all the time? No. That would make for crazy unadjusted men. Men who couldn't navigate the waters of life, no less shepherd a community and stand before the altar for others.

It's been nearly two weeks now - and every day I become more grateful for being in this place. May I learn ever more deeply all the things it means to be holy, and be formed into the man God wants me to be. At the UnStable, at the Holy sacrafice of the mass, in the presence of my fellowman.

Humbled, Amazed, and So Very Grateful...

2007-09-07T14:03:00.000-04:00

In the nearly two weeks since I've been here at the seminary, I have been so amazingly humbled and amazed by the sincere outpouring of support and encouragement I've received - literally from all corners of the world - and all corners of my diocese. The mail room said, when I went down to get my box assignment, they were glad I was finally here... they wanted to meet this guy who had packages arriving for him before he arrived himself.

I assured them it was not of my merit. And, while I know that sounds cliche, and merely polite, it is genuine and authentic for me. Many of you who have done and said things to encourage me, and support this journey for me, are not of the same religious tradition as I. Some of you may share the practice of Roman Catholicism. And I say this hoping it doesn't offend any: Your generousity, love, concern, encouragement and support make Christ present to me in these days. In many ways. I find comfort and consolation for the difficulties in your thoughts, prayers, words and actions. I find nourishment for my journey - spiritual, physical, and emotional. I find acceptance of who I am, and loving hope for who I can become. I find friends. I find love. These things make Christ present in my life.

I'm so very grateful for this experience at the start of my journey. It makes me keenly aware that, for me, community - community that includes peoples across space, and I believe across time - cannot be separated from our pursuit of God, God's will for our lives, and the grace required to seek out and carry out that will. I don't know that I believe God requires community in order to manifest Himself to us - but I do believe, and have experienced, that community is often where and how we find Him in the most real ways.

I used to say, almost as idiom, "I'm humbled" by something. I suppose I was conditioned to say that from great orators, and readings, and modeling behavior of people I admire and wished to imulate. I don't think until today, when praying and reflecting on this part of my experience, I don't think I ever really understood it before now. Today, I truly am humbled. I'm humbled because what has been so freely offered to me by others, some strangers, some gifts completely unexpected...I'm humbled because I know there was nothing I could do to merit the gift. And I know there is neither anything I can do to "repay" the kindness... nor was any repayment expected, anticipated, or possible.

And for the first time in my life, I think I understand a different motivation to pray for others. Not in the strict of petitioning on their behalf. But rather, to pray for them the same may I might go to work for them so they could take a day off. (Ok - bad analogy - my praying for you doesn't change what prayer can do in your life, or "get you off the hook" for finding your own journey of prayer...but hopefully the analogy helps.) Not only is praying for you - in my prayer time, but also in my studies, and my spiritual formation, and in how I live and love and build up the community that is present to me - not only is praying for you in these ways the ONLY thing I can do...the prayers, support, and encouragement move me to pray on your behalf in these ways. I want to pray for you in these ways. I'm driven to that response much like I'm often moved to tears when coming face to face in the presence of God. It's not from a should, or a sense of repayment... but a natural, spontaneous upswelling of what I would call right response that, I further believe, comes from a place within wherein God dwells.

So, to you all, who've sent cards, and books, and prayers, and good wishes, and ALL the ways you've reached out to touch me, I want to say thank you. I'm humbled - really. And moved to pray for you in all that I do. In that way, I hope to unite you to what I hope to do here. And in that way, I pray, we will all come to know and serve the God of our understanding.

And that's what I say, today, "Peace be with you."

Where Does It Come From?

2007-09-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

The desire to be a priest, that is. Or perhaps, I think what I'm really asking is where does one's desire to follow what they believe to be their vocational calling come from? Is it a product of "our will" - or is it a product of "God's will"? Is it born of our actions, our reactions, our experiences - that is, is it a product of "us"... or, on the other hand, is it a product of God's work and will and love in our life, which would make it grace?

Try as I might, I can't reconstruct how this question is what I was left with after our beginning of a Day of Prayer for the seminary community just moments ago. Father Sub-Prior Denis from the archabbey is directing our day of prayer - and his point of departure was, it seems to me now as I reflect on it, a very different concept: What is seminarian piety.

But there was a moment during Fr. Denis' reflection when he said, "And here is the ultimate model of piety: When in the garden, Jesus said, 'If You are willing, let this cup pass from me. But not my will, Thy will be done.'" The model of piety - complete surrender. A complete turning over of one's will. A complete turning over of His will. Beyond what He wanted or didn't want.

So often, in my mind, the discernment journey returns to the need to discover whether this burning desire to serve God as priest comes from within or from God. For, there is no longer - at least there hasn't been for a long time, and there is not today - any shadow or doubt about whether or not I desire to serve God as priest. But in what is that desire rooted?

Did Christ want to be Christ? Did Jesus - fully God and fully man - want to be the first, highest, model priest? Or was it God's will manifest in Him? Must these be either or? No - I think not. Surely it is possible for my desire to be in concert with God's - but it certainly possible for my desire to be contrary to God's desire.

So - the question for me is - is my desire to be His priest... is it of me, or of Him. Is a desire to be priest ever completely of one's own design only? Or is it that, at least at its kernel, its core, its most basic, is that desire always born of God Himself.

Thank God we can pray...for more than in classwork, or in formation conferences, or conversations with others... more than anything else, prayer can lead me where this question is leading me.

Stop, Look, & Listen

2007-09-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

The most profound nuggest I've picked up so far in my week here at the seminary didn't come from attending the "first class" in the four subjects I'll be studying this semester. It didn't come from any of the many orientation meetings, or the Rector's convocation address. It wasn't imparted during the daily Eucharistic celebrations, or in discussions with returning students. It wasn't even handed on in a conversation with the Benedictines who are on staff here at the seminary and who are very much a part of the seminary community, or even my first meeting with a new spiritual director.

Don't get me wrong - these have been important, beautiful, amazing, exciting experiences - all of them. There HAVE been profound nuggets already available to me through them. I can already sense that this truly is a place of formation, of a "machinery" if you will where the process and the people in the process are truly tools of God Himself in forming men for the priesthood. And I'm humbled to be here. But, the most profound wisdom I've encountered so far came from a small book that was given to each of the new seminarians during orientation - it's called "Prayer for Beginners".

When I was first handed the book, my ego jumped and screamed: "Are you KIDDING me? I'm not a beginner! I've been at this thing for a while now. Maybe you should give this book to someone else." I crack myself up sometimes. It happened to be given to me just two days after writing here about my difficulty praying here. Pride can play some amazing tricks. So, after I got over myself, I realized that perhaps there could be something to this book. And surely if the formation staff felt it valuable enough to pass on to all the new students, coupled with my difficulty with prayer recently, maybe I should give this a read.

Wow.

The most profound thing I've learned since getting settled in to the seminary is that prayer - for beginners and perhaps even the most seasoned - can be as simple as "Stop - Look - Listen". I've been getting the order messed up, or skipping some of them - no WONDER I've been having a challenge in prayer.

My first times in the chapel, I was listening hard... wanting desperately to find my center in prayer where I meet God. And I was looking - looking at who was doing what, what page I should be on in the Breviary. Yada yada yada. Noise. Nothing "happening". Oh, don't get me wrong - I believe my attempts at prayer must please God, even when its not "working". I do believe the discipline of praying is pleasing to God - and comes from God. Or at least, that deep desire within that leads to the discipline of prayer comes from God. After all, my attempts to pray are motivated from a desire to be close to Him - and that, I believe, can only come from a seed of desire given us by God - its grace, not a result of works.

But... my problem was I was forgetting the fundamental starting point for prayer - at least according to this book. Stop. I hadn't stopped to see God in where I was, what I was doing. I hadn't stopped to see the amazing things happening in my life as a result of God's calling and drawing me forward. I hadn't stopped to see the roses around me, no less smell them.

This morning, in just a few moments, I'm off to Sunday morning prayer, and shortly thereafter the Sunday mass. This morning, I'm going to try to rememer to STOP before I attempt to look and listen. Ever been in love? When you walked into the room with the object of your affection, wasn't there always a moment - even if just an instant - when you just stopped, in your heart and mind, and looked. And then you listened - to words, to actions, to experience, to the unspoken as much as the spoken.

One of the formation staff said it best earlier this week. Yes, we're here to learn and practice. But most of all, seminary is about falling in love. Falling deeper and deeper in love with God. This morning, I want to fall in love.

Trying to Pray...

2007-08-27T22:59:00.000-04:00

I was just too tired last night to try to figure out how to describe what I meant by being here and praying or at least trying to. Today, I'm more rested. The day wasn't as full, the place wasn't as new - and so I'm not as physically and mentally exhausted - that's the good news. But, the "trying to pray" thing is still there, so I'll share a little about it.

Don't get me wrong - community prayer at the chapel is beautiful. It's nice to be chanting morning prayer with the community. We've also been at community prayer with the Benedictines who's Archabbey host the seminary - and that is absolutely beautiful. And, the discipline to pray isn't the problem I'm running into. I get my rump to the chapel - I'm even following the appropriate dress code. The problem is tapping into, participating in, the communion and conversation with God.

With all the newness - and I suppose some of the aftershocks of leaving loved ones and a life that I'd become accustomed to behind - my mind keeps wandering during prayer. I'm worried about chanting the right tone, making sure I'm on the right page in our Breviary, and trying to keep the sweat wiped off my face so I don't drip all over the chapel. When I can get my mind off these things, I sometimes quickly find myself contemplating if I know where to go next, and what time to get there. What's happening back home? How are the twins? And on and on.

That's not exactly prayer.

... hrm... or is it?

Just as I sit writing this, I'm reminded of a conversation I had not more than an hour ago with one of the diocesan priests who's in residence here about the different kinds of prayer, and the Benedictine idea of "work as prayer". Don't get me wrong - wiping sweat and figuring out where the next class is isn't some divine and holy work. I know that. But it occurs to me, before I go lashing myself with 12,000 wet noodles that, at least for these "new" and "first" days, that IS my work.

Perhaps the "trick" (as if I could trick myself or God successfully at the heart of things, but I suppose that figure of speech works...) I suppose the trick is to be humble enough to accept that right now, for today, in this space, those are my jobs - and to find a way to offer them with the INTENTION of prayer. Perhaps for right now - or for times that may be like this in the future - I might find a way to offer the act of trying to pray as prayer, right along with all the other that's going on.

Anyway...that's what I meant yesterday when I said I was here and praying, or at least trying to. Pray for me, my friends... or at least try to.

Here, Alive, and Praying...or at least trying to...

2007-08-27T01:09:00.000-04:00

Yep...I made it. Got the stuff all moved in. Well, most of it. I had packed one box of books that were ones I'd wanted to have close - books that I look at frequently, or reference often in my own journey. But, it just didn't seem like there was going to be enough room for them, so I sent them home. Maybe I'm learning to let go of material things - even those that are dear to me - a little better? I don't know. After all - I sent them home, I didn't donate them to the poor.

I'm so blessed that my family came with me to move in. It may be a little corny for a 34 year old to have his mommie and daddie and gammaw come with him to move into school. I gotta' tell ya' - I could care less how corny it was. It helped me emotionally move through that transition space. It helped my physically - before they left they'd done many practical things to help me get settled and feel comfortable. Gammaw - my grandmother, an amazing woman who I love absolutely - stripped the bed, got new mattress comfy things so I'd be all comfortable on there, and remade it. She and mom & dad (mom is mostly "mom" - though as a little tike she was Momma' Spankum' - no joke - that's what I called her; and dad is often dad or "pops") got pictures hung. I have pictures of the twins, pictures of my brothers and sister with their families, pictures of some places that are significant in my life so far. I have pictures of mom, me, and Grammaw - only Dad is missing, and I've hinted already about five times what a great Christmas gift that would make. (Um... Dad... HINT HINT!!!)

It really, REALLY helps the space feel like home. And I have two special photographs that were sent to me by a friend that were taken of an amazingly beautiful depiction of Christ carrying the cross to Calvary just above my desk. There is so much for me in those two shots - the story behind them - what they represent - how that, in a very small way, is the model with which I should approach this transition and time in seminary. I'm glad these are over my desk - they remind me what all the "work" that I'll do seated here is supposed to be about - discovering, willingly walking, the road I find before me...searching for my God, which in turn will lead me to a place and a way that I can give the best I've got - and what is needed of me - to all those I encounter. THAT'S what "being in the seminary" is supposed to bring me to, isn't it?

Yada, yada, yada... ever notice I get off on tangents and "talk way too much"? :-) What I'm really saying is that I'm here, moved in, the only thing left to unpack is the coffee maker, the printer, and the CDs - and I haven't run home with my tail between my legs. Yet. ;-)

More later about the prayer thing...I've got to get some sleep. It's midnight-thirty, and morning prayer is early. Thanks to all of you who have sent me emails, phoned to express your support, and who I know are praying with and for me. I'm so overwhelmed by your generousity of spirit - and it may take me a week or two to get back with you to thank you personally. I hope you find your way here to read my thanks...and that you'll know my not getting right back to you immediately in person is just a function of there being so many of you reaching out to me. Thank you, again, so much. I'm humbled. It helps more than you'll ever know.

One final note - to my beloved family. You are truly a blessing without which I could not have comprehended the idea of sitting where I sit this minute. My love for you - all of you - is beyond measure. I don't know where this crazy road I'm on will lead, but I know I couldn't have taken any of the first steps without you. You are now, and will be forever, in my heart. Thank you - Gammaw, Mom & Dad - for everything.

Ever Notice How...

2007-08-23T21:00:00.001-04:00

...things sometimes just don't seem to work out "the right way"? I have a friend who often encourages me in times like this: 'Sometimes its a matter of our will vs. God's will; one of them is perfect, the other...not so much.' Well, the last part of that is a paraphrase, but you get the drift.

All of the arrangements are in place, I thought. All the "things left doing" were doable, I thought. I'm smiling even as I write this. Things don't always work on our schedule, according to our plans. And - particularly given my entrance into the seminary in just two days - perhaps its a good lesson to have right in front of my eyes. I sense there's a lot more "surrender" to come in seminary formation. I trust I can find the balance to "surrender" without "giving up" - because they are two very different things. With one, we stop fighting against the wind. With the other, we stop doing anything.

Father... help me to surrender to Your will. Help me trust that, when situations don't proceed as smoothly as I'd thought they would, they will and are proceeding...in Your time and in Your way. Help me to remain open to Your leading, depending on You, and listening for lessons and opportunities for growth, rather than becoming defensive and scared. And when the chips are down, help me to put one step in front of the other, do the next right thing, and trust the outcomes to Your Divine Providence. Amen.

We hardly ever know what's going to be around the corner we're planning to turn... sometimes, we're even surprised before we get there.

Peace be with you...

Wow...

2007-08-21T20:40:00.001-04:00

...sometimes when I try to figure out what to share with others about something, I'm speechless. Which, for me, is a RARE occurance. But, in trying to figure out how to 'put together' what I experienced on the road trip around the diocese...well, "Wow" is about as far as I can seem to get.

The people are amazing. And I'm including a lot of folks in that. The families who welcomed us into their homes. The parish communities who came out to visit with us, and share a meal with us. So much encouragement. So much laughter. So many smiles.

And then there's the people that our mountain parishes serve outside the "Catholic communities" there. We didn't meet many of them directly. We saw some from a distance. Others we met only briefly. There are many challenges and struggles in the Appalachain regions of eastern Kentucky. Poverty. Education. Addiction. Homelessness. And I'm impressed that serving their needs is a priority among those I met ministering in this area...regardless of whether or not they 'become Catholic'.

Lexington is - was created to be - and hopefully will continue to be true to its identity as - a mission diocese. This comforts me - and it challenges me. It comforts me to know that the Church in this area has a specific identity as reaching out to the poor. It comforts me to know that the Church in this area is committed to its ministry even though Catholics are in a distinct minority. It challenges me at the same time. Do I have what it takes to labor in this field? To remember that ministry is...often times required beyond the walls of the church...often times requires no words. Do I have what it takes to be a man of action, of service, of physical labor when its required...not just a man of prayer, and leadership, and meetings. I want to be the kind of man - the kind of priest - who can and happily will do both.

Wow...I've got a lot of learning to do. A lot of re-shaping. (Physically... emotionally perhaps... spiritually for sure...) I suppose that's why the time in seminary isn't referred to as "study", but as "formation".

And - my brother seminarians - WOW about them, too. We're as diverse a group of guys as I can imagine. Different ages. Different backgrounds. From different countries and cultures. Some (like me) a bit 'liberal'. Some a bit 'conservative'. But, as I reflect on the differences, I'm struck by the fact that the differences are dwarfed by some powerful similarities. We all want to serve others. We all think we're called to a Holy Priesthood, and are willing to follow a path designed to help us hear better if that call is there. We all love one another. Isn't that amazing?!?! I mean, I really could see and feel it tangibly. Love. Care. Prayer for one another. Support and encouragement for one another.

Heck... I'm a guy that could easily get on anyone's nerves quickly enough. And yet - I was treated with compassion, comraderie, care, encouragement, and welcome. And, I noticed I genuinely wanted to treat the other guys the same way.

What sets us apart from one another is truly eclipsed by what draws us together. And that's cool.

See...I've already written too much, and I've not said much of anything. That's why "Wow" is about as close as I can get. I'm just intensely grateful for this trip, the timing of it in my journey - though it in many ways created as many challenges for my next steps on the path as it did energize me.

If I keep writing, I'll not say anything else more clearly, and still not convey adequately the depth of the experience, so I'll stop for now.

Road Tripping...

2007-08-11T12:32:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm off! (Some of you already knew that about me, though, didn't you?) What I mean THIS time is I'm off on the "Rock the Collar" tour of the Lexington diocese with my brother seminarians. I'll probably be away from a computer for the next week or so while I'm travelling with the group - though if I find a kind pastor with Internet access, I'd love to give you "live updates from the road".

What is "Rock the Collar"? It's a holy trip with some great purposes. 9 of us who are entering for the first time (like me) or returning to seminary from our diocese are piling in a Dodge Durango and visiting parishes throughout our diocese. Each evening we'll arrive at a new parish and spend the night with host families from that parish. The next morning we'll meet up with the pastor and spend the day with him however he chooses. (Goal #1 - Get to know the priests in our diocese - one day, Lord willing, we'll be serving right along with them.)

Sometime during the day we'll celebrate mass together, and spend a hour in Eucharistic Adoration. We're also going to be praying Morning Prayer and Evening Prayer together. (Goal #2 - Pray together. Goal #3 - Have some time "apart" for prayer and reflection before school starts.)

As the afternoon draws on, we'll gather with the whole parish community to share a meal, introduce ourselves, and share our vocation stories. (Goal #4 - Get to know the parish communities our diocese serves, and let them get to know us. Goal #5 - Promote vocations by sharing what God has - and is - doing in our lives.)

This has "reality show" written all over it. I tried to convince the vocations office to wire up the Durango with cameras. If they did "God or the Girl" - they could make "Holy Roadtrip, Batman" or something. I KNOW it would be a hit.

Anyway - keep my fellow seminarians and myself in your prayers this next week. The toxic smell from the back seat on any roadtrip could wipe anyone out... Just kidding. We appreciate your prayers for safe travel, for bonding together, and for carrying a message throughout our diocese.

See you in a week or so!

Tagged Again...8 Things About Me

2007-08-10T12:38:00.001-04:00

I've been tagged again by Vito at "The Long Road to the Priesthood". This time, the challenge is to share 8 facts or habits about myself. Here are the rules:

"The rules are simple…Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog."

So, here goes:

1. I'm a smoker.
About a pack a day. (I know...I know. It's times like this I LOVE that Jesus said, "Let him who has no sin cast the first stone." LOL) My guess is that, with my move to seminary - which doesn't allow smoking inside - and with a much reduced income and smokes $3+ per pack, this will be reduced. OK - enough rationalizing. The rules should have said, "And no excuses or rationalizing".

2. I'm actively involved in a 12-step program.
The one I'm involved in is for family & friends of those who struggle with addiction called NarAnon, very similar to AlAnon. Anonymity is important - suffice it to say the person's who's struggles with addiction first brought me to this group aren't my parents or my grandmother. The real point is, it wasn't their addiction that led to my struggle - it was my reaction to it. So who brought me there is not relevant. I'm forever grateful for the 12 steps, what its taught me about life and walking with the God of my understanding. Without the spiritual awakening that took place in my life as a result of the program, I don't know that I'd be where I am today.

3. I designed (heh..past tense...more lasts) web-based software for a living.
I conceptualized them, worked with our clients to conceive of the application's requirements, interfaces, and underlying data structures. I also managed the development & implementation projects, and handled ongoing troubleshooting & development. I loved my job, I'm good at it - and I'll miss it.

4. I LOVE music.
I've posted about it before here and here. Music connects me with deeper feelings, reminds me of great experiences, transports me, lifts me. I can't remember ever a time of being far away from music - and can't imagine it. I can't sing all that good, but that doesn't keep me from letting it belt out while I'm driving down the road.

5. I'm (sorta') an only child.
My mother and father were apart from the time I was born until I was 10 or so. They re-united, and I have three half-brothers and a half-sister. In very many ways I'm an only child. But, with that, I have some of the "good stuff" of having siblings - mom & dad have grandchildren even though I'm entering seminary and may enter the clerical state. I need to, and want to, work on my relationship with my brothers & sister in the coming years.

6. I cry.
Yep - guys do cry. And I'm one of them. Sometimes during movies, even. LOL. I am often moved to tears during what are for me intense spiritual "encounters". Sometimes during prayer. Often - very often - during mass. I've come to be pleased that I can cry when I want to - its much better than playing "macho" and trying to bottle it all up.

7. I'm still very close to 2 High School friends.
Up 'til my move later this month, its been common for me to see and or talk to one or both of them several times each week. I'm going to miss them nearly as much as my family when I move.

8. I LOVE to cook.
Try new recipes. Experiment without a recipe. Cooking for myself or for others. I suppose I could have said, "I love food" instead, but that would betray too much about my rotund figure - heh - but it comes from that same place. Food is just neat to work with - and so is serving something interesting...either to myself or to others.

OK...there's my list. Now I'm supposed to tag 8 other people who blog. I wish I could tag some folks who don't blog but who read mine... maybe I'll do that sometime. But for now, I'll try to stick to the rules. I tag:

1. Ryan at A Jesuit's Journey
2. Gashwin at Maior autem his est caritas
3. Keith at Just a Guy From Jersey
4. Fr. Noel at Beneath the Same Sheltering Sky
5. Fr. Martin at Bonfire of the Vanities
6. All the guys at Cincinnati Seminarian's Blog
7. Jeff at Life is a Prayer.com
8. Patrick at Veritas nunquam perit

OK guys... you're tagged - the rest is up to you!

Moments of Complete Surrender...

2007-08-09T14:31:00.000-04:00

...in an airplane charging the runway to take off...
...at the apex of the rollercoaster's first hill...
...liftoff of a space shuttle when you're an astronaut...

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to a news story about the successful launch of the space shuttle, carrying a teacher among its crew. I was reflecting on the tragedy years back when the space shuttle carrying who was to be the first teacher in space exploded. I was in a classroom back then - watching on TV as...it just disappeared. I began to think of how those seconds & minutes just prior to ignition must have felt for today's "teacher in space" - indeed for all of the crew members.

You're strapped in - months of preparation leave you feeling as confident as you can that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, and that everyone around you is doing what they're supposed to be doing. The door is bolted shut - the ground crew gives that final thumbs up - hopefully with a smile. You take a deep breath.

There's a few seconds, even after the countdown begins, while the crew member is still there - can still see you - before the rocket engines begin to fire... if you're not going along for the ride, it's time. A few more seconds, and it won't matter how much you want off - it won't matter how much those around you want to help you get off...just a few more seconds and it won't make any difference.

...3 ....2 ....1 ....

In that moment - complete surrender. You're riding this thing to outer space. Getting out, staying on planet earth are no longer an option. The engines have ignited - momentum is building - gravity is losing its hold on you... even though you've not moved an inch yet. Fears of what may happen may enter your mind - but you've no choice but to move through them.

I wonder if our astronauts begin to catalog the things they wonder if they've taken care of - or question whether they've taken care of them adequately. Did I turn the toaster off? Will the kids eat their vegetables while I'm gone? Is the mortgage paid? Did I go to the bathroom? OK to make the list I guess... but no matter what you determine in the process, at least for the next several minutes there's nothing you can do about it. My guess is that Ground Control, no matter how accomodating they are, is busy during lift off. Maybe once you get in orbit they'll check on the toaster for you... but for now... it's total surrender.

What will be will be. God is in charge. We've all done the best we can do to prepare - now its time to go. Now its time to do. If corrections need to be made along the way, we'll do that - but we're committed...

...and we have liftoff.

I realized, driving to work this morning - next to my last day in the job I've held for 12 years... less than three weeks until entering the seminary... I'm sitting on the launch pad. I'm strapped in. Taking deep breaths. Going through my pre-flight checklist. If something critical were to happen, I could still climb out of the cockpit. The moment of TOTAL surrender isn't here yet. The engines aren't yet firing.

...but, my guess is if you're an astronaut, by the time you're strapped in and the boosters are fueling, it would have to be something really, really big - not just passing fear or anxiety - before you'd raise your hand and say, "Um.. thanks anyway, I think I want off." Yeah... me too.

T minus 15 days and counting. God, come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me. I'm ready, I think.

Did I mention I don't like roller coasters? lol

...unite all Your children...

2007-08-06T16:05:00.000-04:00

The blogsphere these days is rampant with discussion on the recent Vatican document that provided some "clarification" on words, terms, and issues related to Christianity beyond Catholicism. I have to admit, I've had to read and re-read, counsel with wise and trusted guides on this journey, and pray with the document. That's a good thing, I've discovered. It is evidence of God living and working in my life.

Those who don't know me may not know that divisions in the "body of Christ" in our world, in our time, was what first opened my awareness to God's calling in my life to Catholicism. I'm sure at some point in my blogging life that will come out in more detail. For now, suffice it to say that this is "important stuff" to me. From my early teen years, finding how to contribute "my part" to unity among believers, finding how to embrace Christian brothers and sisters in appropriate ways, and being heart-broken at the divisions among Christians has been my portion. I'm both grateful for it, and at times lament it. It's like the pain of a child over a broken family. I can only imagine what the divisions must do to Christ Himself, who allowed His body to be broken so that we could find unity with Him in God... and among one another.

ANWAY... I was reminded this weekend that MY portion - MY effort in this, at least includes sharing, expressing, and enjoying whatever measure of unity among Christians can be ours in the here and now. And man, was I ever BLESSED in that reminder, and the experience.

I was raised for most of my life in the Cramer & Hanover Church of Christ in Lexington. My family are still members of that church - and as I've shared before, it still in many ways feels like "home". I'd wanted to take a time to set aside and thank them for all they've meant to my life personally, to my spiritual walk, all they mean to my family... to thank them for loving and tending to a young lamb like me... and to ask their prayers as I pursue God's calling for my life. Yesterday, we met for a couple of hours to share a meal, fellowship together, and ... live out the measure of unity in Christ we share today. We may not be able to break bread at God's altar together, we may not agree on many fine points of doctrine - there is much, perhaps, that is not "united". But - if we're not careful, we'll overlook - I'll overlook - that there is much that IS united. If nothing more than our hearts & minds in trying to serve our One True God, His Son, and follow His Spirit. And, as our shared fellowship and meal proves, we can reach across what divides us to pray with and for one another, encourage one another, LOVE one another, and see Christ in one another.

Later that afternoon, I was praying at mass. It had been a wonderful day - my sister (who's moving half way across the country soon) came to visit so mom & dad could get to spend some time with the grandkids (who are, dare I say, ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!). In short, God was smiling on me all day. And then, He smiled on me even more brightly, and broke my heart in the tenderest and most amazing way. During the (for me) holiest part of the Holy Sacrafice of the Mass, as we are literally on our knees before the altar of God on which is presented Christ Himself broken for us, the priest - with and for us all - prayed these words:

In mercy and love unite all your children wherever they may be. Welcome into your kingdom our departed brothers and sisters, and all who have left this world in your friendship. We hope to enjoy for ever the vision of your glory, through Christ our Lord, from whom all good things come.

And, as the tears streamed down my face - in awe, and wonder, I once again surrendered the lack of perfect unity among followers of Christ to the only One who can address it - the only One who knows and understands - the One for whom we all, in some way or another, long.

Dona nobis pacem.

Welcome Christ the King Family!!!

2007-08-03T20:47:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was asked to share some of my vocations story for our parish newsletter. Along with what I wrote, I provided the newsletter editor a link to my blog. I wanted to invite my parish family - the Cathedral of Christ the King in Lexington - to share in this journey with me as well as my other family and friends.

My copy of the newsletter arrived in the mail today - and my "article" along with the link was in this month's issue. SOOO.... to any new visitors from CTK - WELCOME! Pray for me, as I remember you in my prayer as well.

And if you don't have it on your calendars yet - remember the incredible opportunity to meet ALL our seminarians for the diocese on Sunday, August 19, from 2 - 4 pm at the Cathedral for the conclusion to our "Rock the Collar" road trip! It will be a GREAT time - Bishop Gainer will be there as well speaking on vocations in our diocese.

...more to come on the craziest road trip ever conceived.... take a bunch of seminarians, cram 'em in an SUV for 10 days, and criss-cross our corner of the state of Kentucky. I'm SO EXCITED!!! I'll have a chance to get to know my fellow seminarians better - get to know the priests of our diocese better - and remember that "strange smell" that always seems to come from the back seat on road trips. (Am I the ONLY one who remembers National Lampoon's Vacation?)

I Hate Lasts...

2007-07-31T21:16:00.000-04:00

So far this week, I've given my "official" two week's notice at work, had my last meeting with my spiritual director, and my last meeting of a ministry group I've been actively involved in for the last two years at church. In the month prior to this, I've spent my last night in my home, had my last Saturday morning "made to order breakfast" at my Gammaw's house, scratched my kitty on the head for the last time, cooked my last meal in MY kitchen, met for the last time with two long-time clients in my job...

...and that's just right off the top of my head. If I were to sit and think about it for another ten minutes I could fill an entire post with just listing my "lasts". But that would be more depressing than I even want to attempt.

I hate lasts. I hate goodbyes. I really, really, REALLY dislike change. I was sharing with some friends tonight that I'd gladly keep bringing "firsts" into my life forever... if only I could just "give up" any "lasts". (My sense of humor is quirky... I was just thinking the only "last" I'd ever really enjoy is my last last.)

The difficulty with some big changes in life is that there can be a overabundance of lasts all at once. Emotionally, I feel like I did 12 years ago when I graduated college. It seemed like my WHOLE WORLD was "last" something. And I hated it. It made me sad. It wasn't "bad" per se. But... I wasn't yet across the bridge from all those "lasts" to begin experiencing any firsts to balance it out.

It's very much like this right now... and has been for more than a month. Actually, I think it started for me at Christmas time when I realized I was probably decorating my house for the last time for Christmas. Seven months of lasts... and now a marathon of them for the next three weeks - before any "firsts".

It's hard. That's all. Just hard. OK. But hard. It will get easier when the "firsts" begin to come. And, I AM looking forward to them. First night at the seminary. First class. First mass at the seminary chapel as a seminarian. First meeting with my new spiritual director. And... I'm sure the firsts will create some anxiety. (First test?!?!?! I haven't taken a test in 12 years! First paper?!?!?! Someone hasn't critiqued my writing in forever.) But, with firsts I'm able to connect with the sense of life moving on. Living. Today, all I'm experiencing are chapters closing.

A wonderful woman shared a prayer card with me tonight as our meeting closed. She said it had just happened to be in her purse today - and she wasn't sure why. As I was sharing tonight, she began to think maybe sharing it with me was why. It was just what I needed. (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!)

For all who are moving through a season of change, of lasts...

Lord, be our guide and our protector
on the journey we are about to take.
Watch over us and preserve us from all accidents,
keep us free from harm to body and soul.

Lord, support us with Your grace when we are tired.
Helps us be patient in any trouble which might come our way.

Keep us always mindful of Your presence and love. Amen.

I've Never Liked Roller Coasters...

2007-07-23T09:51:00.000-04:00

...in fact, I don't think I've ever been on one. The one trip I can remember to an amusement part as I child, I got on one of the rides with my Aunt Sherril. And no sooner had it started, than I began to scream bloody murder. I don't know if its something about the out of control sensation, perhaps my fear of heights - I'm not sure what it is. The closest thing I've ever experienced to a roller coaster is those "virtual coasters" you can ride - where you get in, and they play a movie all around you and move the seats you're in to match the movie. But even in those, when it "gets too much" you can close your eyes...and the sensations diminish.

I have many friends who LOVE roller coasters. And they describe the sensation as one of intense fear and excitement at the same time. I always thought that was bunk - there's no WAY to feel both fear and excitement in the same measure at once, I thought. It must not really be fear they were feeling. And...even if it WERE possible to feels those sensations at once - there's no WAY that could be an enjoyable thing. I mean, if you did it once - and that's the way you felt - there'd be no WAY you'd want to do that again. Certainly not spending loads of money and waiting in line just to be terrified again...no matter how exciting it was for you.

Well...I still don't like roller coasters - don't know that I'll ever get on one. But I gotta' tell ya' - in these last few weeks I've come to believe what it is others tell me they like about them. Fear & excitement all at the same time...and experiencing that in a context of enjoyment. That's very much the emotions that are prevailing all day every day for me these last weeks.

When I first began to pack up the house - sort through those things I wanted to keep, and those things I couldn't take with me to school. As I began to go through the emotional and physical process of letting go...letting go of material possessions, letting go of my pet of 10 years - the most amazing cat I've ever known, letting go of the freedom and secuirty of my home, beginning to feel the letting go of financial security of having a good job... well, it all feels like riding a roller coaster. I'm terrified in many ways...and yet excited in many ways...all at the same time.

Letting go isn't easy. The physical and emotional effort that's involved is taxing, its hard. I'm not really sure I can explain how I've been able to do it. There have been many tasks - throwing away memoribilia that I can no longer find a way to keep, taking Smokey (my cat) to the Humane Society, loading up the car and hugging my grandmother for the last time as a neighbor. I'm not sure how I did these things. As I approached and moved through each of those events, all I could think was, "There's no way I can do this. It's not possible. I just don't have it in me to do this." And yet - somehow - some way - I did. (Talk about evidence of God's grace...I mean, I KNOW the strength to do these things did NOT come from within me.)

And yet - even through all of the fear and difficulty of those things - there is right along with it a growing excitement. No - I'm not excited about having to do and experience those things. Most of them make me very sad. But I AM excited about where this path is going. I AM excited about beginning this new phase of my life...embarking on this adventure. That's what it feels like - an adventure. I have no way of knowing for sure where it will lead. It's possible that a year away at seminary will lead away from the ordained priesthood instead of toward it. But - the ADVENTURE - well, it IS exciting.

So, I have a new found appreciation for those that like riding roller coasters. Don't get me wrong - I have no intention of getting on one any time soon. But, for perhaps the first time in my life, I have an appreciation for what that experience offers to so many. There is something OK - something even enjoyable perhaps - about being utterly terrified and excited at the same time. I don't know that I understand it completely. But my sense is that there's an "X-factor" in the mix somewhere that allows it to be enjoyable. I don't know about the roller coasters...but for me, I must accept that x-factor as God's love, presence, strength and friendship. I only hope all those around me, for whom this adventure of mine is creating change, and fear, and sadness, and loss...I only hope for them that the same sense of excitement, or at least peace and presence of God, finds its way to them through it all.

I Been Tagged....Why I Love Jesus...

2007-07-20T14:55:00.001-04:00

OK - I'm still new to this blogging game. Couple of months ago, I posted my response to the iPod Shuffle Challenge - its something I discovered in the blogsphere (uh...from the way I've read it, this means "blog universe"). I've read about getting "tagged" too. Sometimes specific people are tagged - to share answers to a common question, for example, on their website. Another blogger in the blogsphere might comment or email to tag someone - and they might respond on my blog. Another way it works is that someone "tags you" just by reading their blog - as happened in this case. I have to admit - I've been tagged in this way before (anonymously, so to speak). And, maybe I'm a cheater because, though I've been tagged, I've never done anything.

But... what fun is that? I mean, when we played tag as kids, how much fun would it be if I just said - "Um... nope." when you tagged me?!?!?! So - today I'll play along. And - if you're reading this - consider yourself TAGGED. (If you don't have a blog yourself - publish your answer in the comments.)

Why do I Love Jesus?

He's "big enough" and "bad enough" to love me - even when I'm unlovable.

He turned water into wine at a party, fed strangers when they were hungry, did what was right without telling everyone about it all the time, and still found time to hang out with his family & friends .... (wow - what a model for a good priest!)

He didn't pay attention to who the "authorities" (civil, religious) believed to be dirty, beyond help, or not worth it. Well - that's not true. He paid GOOD attention to it...

He invited his friend to walk on the water with him, didn't laugh at - scream at - or ignore him when he fell in, helped him out of the water and back to the boat, and didn't hold it against him.

There are many people who have sacraficed in their life for me - and love them all very much. (Mom, Dad, Grammaw, John & DeeDee, Vernon & Pauline, Victor & Mae, Mr. Miller ... OK - can't write the whole list...) So - doesn't it make sense that I - too - love the One who not only sacraficed IN life for me... but WITH life?

Go ahead - play along. TAG!

An Open Letter to My Lord & My God...

2007-07-20T14:23:00.000-04:00

I can count a million times that people have asked me how I can praise You with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me! Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?

Maybe since my life was changed - long before any rainy days - it's never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, my Lord... my only shelter from the storm. Instead I try to draw closer to You through these times. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me, suffering Your destiny. I mean... whats a little rain?

So I pray: Bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Yes - please bring me these. Bring me anything that brings You glory! Still - I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain. But if that's what it takes to praise You... Jesus, bring the rain. Bring me anything that brings You glory.

You know - my experience doesn't always match what's above. I wish it did.

There have been a million ways I've said, "Bring the rain." I have to admit - there was a time just about three years ago, when it sounded a lot more like... "OK big shot! You think you're so good? You think You've got everything under control? Tell you what! BRING IT ON! I DARE YOU!!!"

I know... not an attitude that one would imagine from someone who's about to enter the seminary, huh? Thing was... at the time, that's how I felt. When I looked around - from the middle of the storm - well, it seemed like God was hurting so many people that I loved. Seemed like He wasn't doing anything to help them. Seemed like He wasn't doing such a good job of loving this creation of His.

And in all my arrogance - I stood on the edge of my existence and consciousness and said "Bring it on!" I was ready for a noon-day showdown with God. In my arrogance, I wanted Him to come account for Himself.

I don't know how this works out theologically... all I know is my experience. Something miraculous happened when I let God into the place where I really was... when I shared with Him all that I was thinking and feeling... even the parts that weren't "a good little boy" thinking in "all the right ways". God did come. Right there. To all those places of dark, and doubt, and pain, and struggle. Right there - where all the anger and frustration toward Him was living. Right there - where I was wandering in the storm... lost, and cold, and afraid. Right there. When I came before God and took off all the masks, stopped "performing", and just 'was' - God loved me.

The "letter" at the top of this post isn't my writing. You might have guessed it - its the lyrics to a song. Sometimes, as I've shared before, a song captures all that's in my heart better than I can. (Just click the image below to play the song.)

The song is beautiful. They lyrics are beautiful. They bring me tears - of joy, of humility, of love. They capture what I want to be my posture toward God. And - I've found that since that time I dared to say "Bring it on..." - well, I've found that since then, my heart is closer to seeing and feeling a different way of saying "Bring the rain." It's no longer a challenge - no longer from a place or arrogance. Today, its from a place of love. Today, I say (as best I can) - bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. I know there will be days when this life brings me pain - and when that's what it takes to praise You... oh Jesus... bring the rain.

I've Never Forgotten You, My Friend...

2007-07-20T10:24:00.000-04:00

I know you'll probably never see this blog. Chances are, we'll never meet again this side of heaven. I just wanted you to know... I've never forgotten you. You'll never know how you touched my life with your friendship those humid days in the Phillipine outback - what you taught me about generousity, what you taught me about friendship.

And you'll never know how many people you've touched in the same way by having shared with me something I can (and do) share with them. In the 18 years since we chewed little pieces of gum together - your act of friendship and kindness is still my most often shared story of my travels to your country. And - whenever I doubt that God cares for us through others - you're not far from my mind.

Thank you for the chicklet my friend.

Back to School

2007-07-18T17:39:00.000-04:00

Sometime in the 80's, one of my favorite all-time movies was made. "Back to School" was Rodney Dangerfield at his best. He plays the father of a college-age son who decides to enroll at his son's university. There's something hilarious and quirky about an adult person enrolling as a resident-student at university. The movie is very entertaining...and being a child of the 80's, the Oingo Boingo soundtrack is awesome. (Don't know who Oingo Boingo is? Man... you're missing out.)

I find myself in a similar situation. 34 years old...going back to school. Dorm life on the horizon. It's strange. Feels odd. For so many years, I've lived in my home. In a month or so, I'm going to be living in a dorm. As I began to go through my things, the drastic reduction of space had a very practical application in what I could pack and what I had to leave behind. And as I move through my days, I begin to find myself with interesting puzzles. For example, how will I do morning coffee? The washer & dryer probably won't be just over there in the utility room. And for that matter - where will I keep my dirty clothes until I wash? My "weekend fun" closet had to go... candle making equipment, geocaching stuff, my "family fun time" board games - most all didn't make the cut.

And - not only is it a matter of "paring down" - but I have some different needs to address. Having something cold to drink at hand is a 'must have' for afternoons & evenings. Where will I store that? There won't be the refrigerator in the kitchen. There won't be the store just down the street. It's not all a matter of worries and sadness...there's something neat about it as well. And its leading to some situations I wouldn't have imagined would come back into my life.

There was the trip to Wal-Mart with grammaw to buy storage totes. And - while we were there, we looked at Boxer Shorts & T-Shirts. It was interesting...like I'd jumped into a time warp back 16 years when I was a month away from heading off to college. And then there was the trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond with mom. I know it had to look odd to the staff. Here was a 30 something guy with his mom...browsing the "back to college" section...testing out the various solutions to the laundry hamper problem the market has come up with for college living. (If its been a while since you've looked at the inventions available to make dorm living more comfortable... do yourself a favor and go to Wal Mart, Target, or Bed, Bath & Beyond to check out the selection. It's AMAZING what they've come up with!)

What's funny is the child-like excitement I felt on those trips with grammaw & mom. It took me a little by surprise. The hamper thing we bought is really COOL. It has three compartments so I can sort clothes as I go. And - get this - IT'S ON WHEELS...so I can roll the laundry to do the wash instead of having to lug it on my back like back in college. (Ok... Ok... I guess I need to be a little more honest. I DID have a bag to put my laundry in while at college. But - truth of the matter was... I washed maybe, what - TWICE a semester? and packed everything to take home for breaks to wash then.)

Don't think that strategy is going to work this time.

And - these drink things I bought...they look like minature water bottles for a water cooler...with a sports-drink spout on the top. I'll have water & Crystal Light for days! I still haven't decided on the "morning coffee" puzzle...but I've had a lifetime of fun looking at all the options and trying to determine which will be the best.

I know it sounds odd...but this "Back to School" thing is at once nostalgic, exciting... and giving me some really great new memories with my family. I'm grateful that in many situations these days I don't have to look very far for the silver lining in the cloud. Not all situations, mind you...but many.

The "Church in the Valley" ... or a Downtown Corner

2007-07-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

There's a church in the valley by the wildwood,
No lovelier spot in the dale;
No place is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale.

That was an old hymn that we sang often in the churches of my childhood - and it always reminded me, even as a young boy, of the little church that was, for me, my first memories of organized religion. It's a little white church on a bit of a hilltop in rural Harrison County, Kentucky. One summer afternoon a little boy about as big around as he was tall played in the front yard of a poor ole' farmhouse just down the road from that little white church. As a child, I would spend quite a bit of time - particularly during the summer - at the home of "Dee Dee & Uncle John" - dear friends of the family who were like a second (or third, or fourth) set of parents to me. The farm house belonged to them. Up pulls this BIGGGG shiny gold cadillac, with a woman almost twice as big around as she was tall. That kind lady - I can still remember her face - invited me to attend a Vacation Bible School at that little church that was to start that evening.

In many ways, my relationship with 'religion' began that day. My mother and grandmother had taught be about prayer, about God...I knew how to sing "Jesus Loves Me". I said my prayers before going to bed. But organized religion really wasn't a part of our experience in those early days. Until that first time I went to Vacation Bible School at the little Salem church. It was white, with a steeple that actually held a bell. Ringing that bell when I was little was one of the neatest things I could think of - and the pastor of that little church would sometimes let me do it before church time. It was still the call to worship.

That little church in Harrison County - and its pastor - soon introduced me to another loosely affiliated church in Lexington at the corner of Cramer & Hanover near downtown that became my home church. You know - as I sit here and write this - even without having stepped foot in that church for several years, it still feels like home to me. In fact, one of the things I really want to do before heading off to seminary is visit the church - and spend some time sharing love and memories with its people.

You see - all of who I am spiritually has its roots in the work God was doing in and through the loving people at those two little churches over 20 years ago. It was in those churches that I learned to lead in worship, learned to preach a sermon. I think I was 12 or 13 years old the first time the Elders of the little protestant church allowed me to preach my first sermon. Following around the Pastors and leaders of those churches - men and women alike - taught me a lot about what it means to serve God in big and little ways. In fact, all of the things that led me to the Catholic church...all of the tools I had at my disposal to seek God's direction for me toward the Catholic faith, toward the call to priesthood...it all had its beginning in the love, and ministry, or those two little churches.

I'm no theologian - I don't have the answers to lots of big questions - chief among them how the divisions in the body of Christ came about, what purpose they serve, how the Spirit of God may work in and through all Christians...how we all form the body of Christ on Earth. I don't know the answers to all those questions. What I do know, though, is my experience. And for me, I'm happy to call the men & women at Salem (in Harrison County) and Cramer & Hanover (in Lexington) my brothers & sisters in Christ. And I'm forever grateful for those "churches in the valley" so to speak - for all they meant to my life as a child, and they still mean today.

There's No Big Red "S" Painted on My Chest.

2007-07-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

It seems that not a week passes that someone doesn't come up to me and say, "I really admire what you're doing. It must take a lot of courage and strength - I could never do that." I appreciative of the support and compliments. Yes - it does take strength and courage. But, I don't know that I can take credit for it. And - what strikes me even more strongly - is that its not any more courageous or strong than what people all around me are doing every day in a million different ways. Those of us who are called to the seminary or religious life... I don't think we're superheroes. We get up in the morning and have to wipe the sleep from our eyes the same way the rest of the world does. We put our pants on the same way. We have the same challenges, we have to confront our doubts, our fears, our sadnesses - all the same way. And...we're not immune from temptation, sin, vice.

Well - let me take a step back. I'm in no position to speak for seminarians, priests or religious everywhere. It's quite conceited for me to pretend to do so. So - let me put it this way. I'm not a superhero. I'm not perfect. I struggle with the same kinds of challenges in living this life in God's service as you do. The only difference, I think, is that my path may look different than yours. The commitments that I'm being asked to make - the things I'm being asked to let go of - they're just different than the committments, challenges, and sacrafices that are before you in your life.

There's nothing more or less heroic in what I'm embarking on than, say, the challenges my grandmother faced in finding her way through life without the earthly love of her mother or father after age 14, or the challenges and commitments my mother and father face in having spent the last twenty years repairing a marriage that was broken before I was born, and given a second chance when I was around 10 years old. Nothing in front of me requires any more wisdom, reliance on God, patience, or sacrafice than the lives any parents, spouses, business men & women face if they're trying to live their life in service of God.

What's heroic, it seems to me, is not necessarily WHAT one's calling is...but rather, in trying to live life in service of that calling. I watch my dad get up every day, working a job that is physically taxing on his body. I watch my mom care for the household, work in her professional life to be a good steward of worldly goods and build & maintain Christian relationships among her co-workers and clients. I watch my grandmother caring for me, preparing meals, working with her flowers, loving others. And I see superhoroes all around me.

Yes - I believe my fellow seminarians and I are given a chance to let super-human courage flow through us as we follow our path through discernment - perhaps to priesthood - willing to open our lives to God's guidance, leading - surrendering to God's will for our lives. But... I don't see something in this experience so far that sets me apart from others, raises me above others. Rather, I've begun to see what's amazing about the lives that so many around me are leading. I'm seeing big red "S" painted on the chests of so many around me. No - they may not wear habits or collars. They're often masquerading as "regular people" leading "regular lives". And yet - there's heroic courage, commitment, fidelity, and surrender to God's plan in those "regular lives".

Hey...you...look down at your chest. Do you see the Big Red "S"? I do.

Straight With Crooked Lines

2007-07-17T16:52:00.000-04:00

Someone once said to me "God draws straight with crooked lines." It was a powerful statement at the time - it still is. When I first sat down many months ago to write my "autobiography" several months ago that was the first thought that came to mind. Re-touching that for my seminary application brought that concept to the forefront of my mind again. I wonder if that's the reason so many diocese and seminaries require that as part of the application process. Sitting down and trying to distill one's life experiences to a few pages - I would imagine - teaches the writer as much about his own life as it does create a convenient way to let others "get to know" them.

And never have I had a more profound exposure to the fact that my life's journey isn't just a string of unrelated coincidences than in trying to put my life on paper. I mean - who would have ever thought that a journey that started along a little country road in rural Kentucky... that led to as diverse places as a small country church, a little independent New Testament church in Lexington, the Phillippines, Washington DC, a prestigious liberal arts college in rural Virginia and back to Lexington...and all the experiences that took place in between...

...who could have ever thought that such a varied, seemingly unrelated set of experiences could have led to discernment to the Catholic priesthood and entering the seminary this fall at the age of 34? I certainly could have never guessed it. And, for a very long time, it seemed like all of life that had led to this point was just a rag-tag set of unrelated experiences. There have been times in the last two years when I would really ask myself "What is going on? How can this be? It seems so unorganized...so unrelated."

But - you know - as I began to put words to paper - really tell my story as best I could... Well, I really began to see that there's no way I could be where I am today without all of those experiences. My journey to the Catholic church is rooted in my experiences in those small independent Christian churches throughout my childhood and young adult years - and in no small way a direct result of both my studies and experiences in college. Just just one of the "little coincidences" that began to string together to give me a confidence that they all worked together to bring me where I am today. Yes - taken idenpendently, without a view of the whole - it looks like a lot of crooked lines, heading in a bunch of different directions, from which no meaningful course can be found. But, when I took the time to put them down on paper, look at them as a whole - I'm amazed! All this time - in all these ways - through all these veried experiences, each pointing in what seems like different directions... well, when I looked at it all together, there's no doubt. They HAVE all been heading the same way.

This has one really amazing and lasting benefit. There have been times in the last three months when the several events of a single day or week really leave me feeling just as much as if I'm a ship adrift on the ocean - rudderless - with no direction. But I'm reminded of how often I felt like that in the past. How all of the "moments" that made their way into the autobiography seemed to be unrelated twists & turns. And - thank God - I'm reminded even more how they all seemed to be in perfect concert when looking back over them. The crooked lines are all an important part of a journey that does have meaning & direction. And so, in the moments when I feel adrift - when I can't see or sense the guidance, purpose or direction - now there is this peace, this comfort - I suppose its faith based on experience...that its all part of the same whole. All part of a journey that does have meaning, purpose, and direction - even when I can't see it.
Maybe you wonder sometimes, like I have, where the direction is - where the meaning is - whether there is some purpose to all the "crooked lines" in your life. If so, maybe writing your story will help you like it has me. Maybe you, too, will see the hand of God in your life - you'll come to know as I have that, its not just random chance. And, perhaps that will do for you what it has for me - given me a peace that, even when I can't see or understand in the moment, all of this really isn't just random chance and coincidence. It's all part of something grand, beautiful, and anything but random. Maybe you'll see - too - that God draws straight with crooked lines.

Where's the Map??

2007-04-03T10:01:00.000-04:00

Very often along this journey, there haven't been "lofty", "spiritual", things going on. I'm finding that's even moreso now that its April...and I'm due to start Seminary in August. The rubber is meeting the road, so to speak. What's happening day to day on the spiritual journey this last 10 days or so is facing practical challenges. I find myself struggling with those things. And I find myself reflecting that this IS the "lofty", "spiritual" journey. So often it seems that what I struggle with "up in the clouds" is what I struggle with in the minutia of the everyday.

Untangling from the world financially is a challenge that is proving harder than I thought it would be. It's complicated by two things. One is the obvious - starting in August I won't be earning the income I have for going on 10 years now. It's tempting to "blame" it on that. Blame's not the right word - I'm excited and looking forward to entering the seminary. It's not like this is being done TO me. Maybe its more accurate to say its tempting to believe that entering the seminary is the cause of this struggle. And it is - but only in part.

The other part is, for several years I had not been as responsible as I needed to be with my finances. Some of that irresponsibility was made easier to continue with the idea that I'd be continuing to earn an income that could address it. When I began to get serious about my discernment, I knew unravelling the financial situation needed to take a front seat. And I was willing to that. And I began doing that. That's the second complication - just the nature of the situation I had created financially. And now, its April.

As early as last year, I began to make financial decisions knowing it would be possible that come August I'd be in seminary. I made a plan, God blessed me with the providing a way to make that plan possible, and I have been able to make a big dent in the debt. About a month ago, I began to get even more real with what was there - what needed to be addressed - and what I had available to address it. And I began to pray in earnest about how this was going to be worked out. The house. The car. The remaining debt. And try as I might, I can't find a plan that works. I don't have a map...

About two years ago, I sat in my spiritual director's office and said, "I just need a map. Where is God calling me? How do I get there? If God will give me the map, I'll go. But I can't go without a map." And you know what? I learned in that process that I CAN go without a map. And that very often God asks us to walk one step at a time...without any map. We take a step, and ask, "Where do I place the next step?"

When I was looking for that vocational map, I could never have dreamed that the journey between then and now would have been as wonderful as it has been. There have been many valleys and deserts to cross. But without crossing them, how would I know - deep within - that God walks there, too? There have been many, many ridges too. Many chances to visit on the "Mountain of God". Without those experiences, how could I have ever known that the valleys and deserts lead to the moutaintops? And - without all of what's transpired in those years - how would I have come to know God better? Come to be able to enjoy a little more every step of the journey? Come to know God a little better as a travelling companion - not just a benevolent and sage being "Out There"?

But I realized in the last couple of days, I'm struggling once again with not having a map. Instead of walking one step at a time with God through this piece of preparing to enter the seminary, I've spent nearly a month trying to create a map. Instead of praising God for having brought me as far as He has in tackling the 'financial journey' - I've stood in fear and doubt at not seeing the rest of the path to August. Just like when I started the discernment, my prayer has been "God - show me the plan." I realized this past weekened, God has been answering my prayer in NOT revealing a plan to me. Because, the answer isn't "a plan". The answer to my prayer is Him helping me understand I've been asking the wrong question.

If we're on a journey without a map, we can do one of three things.

We can stand still - afraid to move in any direction because it may be the wong one. I've done that - with discernment, and with the finances. I've done that with relationships, with career. I've done it with many things. And its never served me well. Frozen in fear blocks us off from live, and from God, and from any sort of progress.

We can guess which direction seems right and head off that way. And many times the world tells us that's what we need to do. After all, we can't just "stand there" - can we? So, we guess, and we go. I've done that with the finances and many other things, too. And sometimes I get where I'm headed. But, just as often, I move farther away from my destination. And the frustration that I feel when I realize it sends me back to being paralyzed with fear.

The third option is to stop and ask someone who knows where we're headed for directions. Often they can't tell us 'turn-by-turn' from here to there, but they know for sure what the next leg of the trip should be. And we can always stop for directions when we get there. Looking back, I can't think of any situation in my life when I've asked God, "OK - what next?", then did just that part, and stopped again to ask - I can't think of any situation where I've done that and it didn't turn out better than I could have expected.

I don't have to ask for a map. And I don't need one. I can stop and say, OK God - what's the next step? And take that step - even if it is scary, or embarassing, or uncomfortable. And trust that, if I do that day by day, I'll get there.

On Wednesday, I'll DO what I feel like God is saying is the next right step. For today, I don't have to think any farther ahead than that. And I can again practice walking with God as a loving companion along the journey, instead of relegating Him to a simple maker of maps.

Pray for me.

Does Anybody Hear Her?

2007-03-22T15:09:00.001-04:00

I was just a teenager at the time - a junior or senior in high school. In many ways, those years of my life I was much closer to God than the first years of my "adult" life. I don't remember all of the circumstances. What I remember is this. I was out front of the church walking in. She had on clothes that weren't all that clean. Her hair was a mess. Honestly, I think she was drunk or high. She'd been crying. She wanted to go to church - but wasn't sure if she'd be welcome. (I don't remember if she said this to me - or if I knew somehow that's what she was thinking.) I do remember knowing that if Jesus were walking with me, He would have stopped, and smiled, and asked if she wanted to come in. And I do remember trying my best to act - instead of just thinking about - "What Would Jesus Do".

(My mom sometimes reads this blog - Mom, if you see this and you remember more about the story than I do, will you add it to the comments. This memory is touching my heart today - I've lost a lot of it, whatever you might add back would be a real gift.)

She came into the church - it seems that she didn't stay the whole time. I do remember answering questions from some of our church members like, "Who was that girl?" And I remember thinking - if the church isn't for that girl, then who is it for. I'm not passing judgement on any of the people who inquired - I know they were acting out of a sense of love and protection for the church and the people in it.

And I have to confess - I've been one of the folks in the pews asking, "Who is that?" If not asking, thinking to myself - couldn't they have put on some nicer clothes - don't they know that behavior of that nature isn't acceptable here of all places? It's easy to become one of the "churched" who forgets...

...forgets that, in God's eyes - we are all sinners in need of grace, and love, and acceptance.
...forgets that, to honor God we must honor one another, love one another as He loves us.
...forgets that, in the shadow of our steeples, there are lost and lonely people, that we've never even met because we don't see past the "scarlet letters" we find to look at instead.
...forgets that we wear our own "scarlet letters" - even if they are more "socially acceptable" or are overlooked because we're "a member" of the church.

Today, I feel deep in my heart that what God is calling me forward into is a life dedicated and devoted to hearing those who aren't being heard. That young mother wandering around outside our church doors, that young father battling his addictions, the teenager who just can't believe there is a God who would create a life as unloving and cruel as the one he sees through those tender and frightened eyes... all of them knowing that the last place they should turn for help is the church, because they wouldn't fit in, might not be wearing the right thing, or just don't want to be in another situation where all anyone sees is the big red letter on their chest.

God - help me to be the man you're calling me to be. Help me to never become so "churched" that I forget we are all just poor sinners in need of your love and grace, help me never to forget that in Your Holy eyes we are ALL beautiful.

Grant that I may see with the eyes of Christ... and that, wherever You allow me to serve, I'll follow You in loving the lost and lonely people in the shadow of our steeple.

You know - my friends - memories and tears are not always sad. Often, memories and tears wash away my illusions, and bring me back to the heart of this journey.

(You knew there had to be a song somewhere in all of this - didn't you? I'm so grateful for all the ways God speaks to me through music these days. If you want to see and get to know the young woman I was writing about at the top of this post, listen to Casting Crowns' Does Anybody Hear Her?. Let it speak to your heart.... God bless.)

She is running
a hundred miles an hour
in the wrong direction.
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart.

So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me.

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home.

She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say.
Momentary lapse of reason...
And she gives herself away.

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
Then we never even met her.

Does anybody hear her?

What Sin?

2007-03-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

Tonight is our parish's Lenten Reconcilliation service. Each year during Lent and Advent, two seasons of reflection and anticipation, our parish schedules a service where the community can gather together to reflect on our shortcomings, our sins, and to experience God's love and forgiveness and mercy through the sacrament of Reconcilliation. This may be the most 'talked about' sacrament of the Catholic church by those who belong to other denominations. It's often referred to as "going to confession".

I remember growing up in another Christian denomination often thinking many different things about the idea of "going to confession". 'Gee - it must be nice to just be able to do as much wrong as you want - all you have to do is go see a priest and then its all better.' (Funny, I had these thoughts about the Catholic sacrament, but I always believed that all I had to do was pray to God seeking His forgiveness, and it was all better.) I also remember thinking, 'Why do you have to confess to a priest? We can talk directly to God. And God's the one that forgives our sins. What's the deal with involving the priest in the mix?'

I've learned some about the theology of the sacrament of Reconcilliation - and I know I've got a lot more to learn. My experience in receiving this sacrament is what beckons me to return. Yes, I often spend time in prayer talking with God about my sin, asking Him for strength to overcome them, seeking His mercy. But, there's something different that takes place when I have this "conversation with God" in the confessional, aided by the Priest. One of the biggest differences is that I always come away with some tangible experience of mercy. Even when what I have to confess is nagging me, dragging me down, and the guilt it powerful... another human being, there in front of me, says, 'I understand. Isn't God wonderful to love us enough to forgive all that we've been talking about.' And, though I know God has/is already taking care of my sin, there's something powerful in hearing with human ears the words, "Your sins are forgiven."

I've been letting tonight's service wander around in my mind today. Beginning to search my conscience. I often have to remind myself that my sin really has been removed. And that, with God's grace and love and guidance, He is helping me along a path that helps heal the "sin nature" within that leads us toward sin in the first place. But sometimes, I struggle a little with lingering guilt. I was thinking about that earlier today when (you KNEW it was coming) another song that has been very powerful for me in the last six months or so came on the radio. I was at work when it played, but I'm going to go home and find some quiet time before tonights service to pray with this song.

It happened so long ago
And I cried out for mercy back then
I plead the blood of Jesus
Begged him to forgive my sin
But I still can't forget it
It just won't go away
So I wept again, "Lord wash my sin,"
But this is all He'd say

What sin, what sin?
Well - that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed,
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

The heaviest thing you'll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin.
So let Him put them under the blood
Don't bring them up again
Cause He'll just say

What sin, what sin?
Well - that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed,
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

Lord, please deliver me from my accusing memory
Nothing makes me weak this way,
Then when I hear you say
What sin?

One of the things that speaks most powerfully to me in the Sacrament of Reconcilliation, is the priest sitting before me, standing in the place of Christ - a human representation if you will of what is actually taking place when I make my confession. Yes - the priest speaks the words - but Jesus Himself looks to me with loving eyes, pierced hands, and (at least in my mind's eye) a beautiful smile on his face and says, "You don't have to carry it any more, my friend." And when my nagging mind begins its accusations, I gently hear Jesus whisper, "What sin? Oh that? Alan, it was gone the minute you confessed - separated from you as far as the east is from the west."

You know, sometimes all there is left to say is, Thank You.

The 'conflicting' call to be a father or a Father

2007-03-12T13:46:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I was able to spend some time with one of my "nephews". For those of you who don't know me, I've been blessed to have two young men in my life that I love like they were my own children. Twin teenagers - just about to turn 18. They're actually not nephews - they are related by marriage through a cousin of mine. But "nephews" describes the relationship very well.

I realized about a year ago how blessed I was by having these fella's in my life. For a long time, what I thought was a call to the priesthood seemed to be conflicing information, and I couldn't figure out what God was saying - or why he was saying things to me that were so different. On the one hand, my heart's deepest desire forever has been to be a father. And, in the context of the Latin rite Church, that always seemed in direct contradiction to what I was hearing louder and clearer as a call to the Priesthood.

One day I was listening to a talk show on the local EWTN radio station - it was a call in show about vocations. The caller asked this very question about seemingly "conflicting" calls. I remember feeling as if God had "arranged" this "coincidence" of me hearing the show. The guest was a seminarian in his final year before ordination to the priesthood, and he shared that he'd felt exactly the same way early in his journey. I'll never forget his words.

'But, what I realized was, these weren't conflicting calls at all. All about me that yearns to be a father, all that God has given me and all that God is calling me forward into that points toward being a Father - they're all the same. All the things it takes to be a good father are precisely the things it takes to be a good Father.'

It was as if a gate opened up somewhere in my heart, and I began to see glimpses of understanding. God wasn't sending me mixed signals after all. My discernment journey took a turn at that point - it wasn't any longer so much about figuring out which of two conflicting messages was genuine. It became more about searching with God, and the Church, where this one unified call forward into f/Fatherhood was leading - a vocation to marriage and family, or to the ordained priesthood.

While I'm not the twins father, for many, many years I've loved them like they were my children - or at least that's the best way I (having had no children of my own) can describe it. With that love comes all the 'good' and the 'bad', the 'wonderful' and the 'difficult'. And there is both. The great times - with a fishin' pole and a catfish that got away, teaching them how to shave, taking them on their first real vacation, 'being there' as they try to navigate life's challenges. And there are difficult times as well - struggling with addiction and legal troubles, trying to set and maintain boundaries for teens who are unaccustomed to the concept, medical and other kinds of issues, teen pregnancy.

But, over the years I've come to see that all of it has been a blessing. As I move one day at a time closer to more deeply following the call to be a Father, I realize in many ways I've been given the gift of at least a glimpse into the gift of being a father. And that 'gift' is made up of it all - the good and the bad, the wonderful and the difficult.

God wasn't and isn't sending mixed signals. For today, it seems rather that He was offering a gift, and providing a very practical "school" in which to begin the process of formation for becoming a Father. On reflection today, one of the other things this 'practical school' has given me is the gift of humility, and a deep understanding that I don't have all the answers, that I'm imperfect, and that often the best I have to offer is to try, and to trust God above all and in all. Six years of seminary - today at least, I'm not struggling with whether its too much - I'm wondering if its enough! In addition to humility, and a realization of my own limitations and imperfections, this gift for me is beginning to help me see that the gift of my vocation - whether it be in matrimony or orders - will live and breathe in the totality of its daily experience, the good and the bad, the wonderful and the difficult.

To the twins: "Hi fella's. Chances are, you'll never see or read this. That's OK. I love you. And am intensely grateful for all that you have meant and will mean in my life. It's not possible for me to doubt that there is a God, or that He loves us, for many reasons - but one in particular. The love I feel for you could only have been a gift from a Father, THE Father.

Each day I pray that He will continue to teach me to love you as He does. And each day, along with all the other ways He reaches out to you, I pray that my reflection - imperfect as it may be at times - of a dad's love for his kids in some small way will lead you to the Source of that love."

Thank you, God, for the gifts......

Lifesong...

2007-03-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

If every post I make starts with a song lyric, some are going to start wondering if I ever have an original thought of my own. *grin* I assure you, I do. Although, honestly, I can't remember what the last one was. (OK - sometimes I crack myself up - and its my blog, so that's enough for me.)

Anyway, I was enjoying some quiet time this morning with a cup of tea before showering for work. And on the radio is that great song by - is it Casting Crowns? "Let my Lifesong sing to You." Let the words I say and the things I do make my Lifesong ...bring a smile to You. There's some really powerful stuff in that sentiment.

What sacrafice do I really have to offer? "Rend your hearts, not your garments." I can go to seminary, become the best priest of my generation, celebrate beautiful mass, always live perfectly within my vows. And yet, what kind of sacrifice would that be to the God of all creation? The God who, above all things, in all things, source of all things, chooses to know who I am, chooses to call me into life, ransom me from my shortcomings, and bring me into His very presence. Is a life of motions, actions, and piety alone a sacrifice worthy of such a God?

The song's beginning is what always catches me - helps me to step outside myself and look back at me - and calls me forward into trying to focus on BEing as my offering to God, as opposed to merely DOing. It begins, "Empty hands held high, such a small sacrifice. If not joined with my life, I sing in vain tonight."

This is what has the power to keep all my DOing from being in vain. I can hold my hands high, empty sitting in the pew at mass, or holding the Chalice as one ordained at the altar. But, 'if not joined with my life, I sing in vain tonight.'

My life as a song, a song that I try my best to sing to God Himself. You know - I've always been a fan of music. As soon as we could play the recorder at school and choose to play in the band or the orchestra -- I signed up to play in BOTH. And was singing in the chorus. (Although, to hear me sing now, you'd never believe that.) I never became a talented musician, but playing a low brass instrument for 8 years or more made me a passable player.

But, boy - there were times when I know I must have stunk to the heavens. Bomp - Bomp - Bombom SPALT. (A fourth grader practicing very basic music on a baritone can sound a lot frumpy, and be very annoying on the ears.) Sure, sometimes I'd hit a note right. And, over time with lots of practice, I could play a song. By the time I hit high school, I could even march and play at the same time - and together with my friends, we could play a song that would bring a smile to your face.

My mom & dad & grammaw were there for all of it. They heard the Bombom SPLATs. They smiled though the elementary school renditions of Star Wars that clunked along to an unfeeling metronome tempo. They traveled with the band in high school, cheering, lifting, even dressing up as California Raisins to help raise money for us while we were playing. (Don't ask....) My guess is that, even when we hit those bad notes, even when our song wasn't so good, even when trying was the best we could do, there was something pleasing about the song...

I can only hope, as I Bombom SPLAT my way through trying to offer a Lifesong that's pleasing, the effort is an offering to God that brings the same kind of smile to His face.

Let my Lifesong sing to You...

Lord, Listen to our Hearts...

2007-03-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

One of the blessings that I find in the Catholic faith is the wide variety of ways we have to pray. Some (many) without words. Some focused on listening instead of 'saying' anything. At the same time, "talking" with God is something that is always close to my heart. Sometimes in "petition". Often, in "praise".

Sometimes when I'm praying like this - and its been this way all my life - I get to a point where my words fail me. Either there's so much I'm trying to express - the idea is so big - that it just won't come out. Or, there's so many aspects to what I'm trying to say, that I can't get the words to fit together right. Or, sometimes I find the words, or the ideas, or the thoughts - but they come together too fast for me to feel like I've communicated them.

Since I was a teenager, I can remember being thankful for the scriptural promise from Romans 8 that "We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express". In my prayer time when I find my - words, ideas, thoughts, whatever - not being sufficient, I sort of 'throw up my hands'. Not really out of disgust, but more out of surrender. I smile sheepishly at God and say, "I'm not doing a very good job of getting this across. YOU know what's on my heart and mind right now - YOU know what I'm trying to say. Take it, please. I offer it - in faith - knowing that in my imperfection with this you can 'hear it' perfectly."

As I pray the Liturgy of the Hours, I often pause between psalms or other sections... sometimes because there seems to be something to hear... other times because there's something I want to say. This limitation of mine with words that I've been talking about - it comes up with these 'pause' times in the LOTH also.

This morning, I'd paused. I'd been trying to communicate something to God. I threw up my hands and smiled. The idea I was trying to offer God was too complicated for me to get out. And so I said my "I'm not getting this across, God. Take it. I offer it." And on the radio (I often listen to music in the background during my prayer time) began to play a song that I remembered from my college years. I began to sing with it... with tears in my eyes, I let the words form part of my prayer:

How do you explain...
how do you describe...
A love that goes from the east to west,
And runs as deep as it is wide?
You know all our hopes
Lord, you know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for You to hear!

So listen to our hearts.
Hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed.
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are.
But words are not enough
To tell you of our love,
So listen to our hearts.

If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine,
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time.
So if You'll listen to my heart
Every beat will say,
"Thank You for the Life,
Thank You for the Truth,
Thank You for the Way."

So listen to our hearts.
Hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed.
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are.
But words are not enough
To tell you of our love,
So listen to our hearts.

(Geoff Moore And The Distance - from A Friend Like You)

Lord - when words are not enough to tell you of my love, please listen to my heart. Amen.

iPod Random Shuffle Challenge...

2007-02-27T14:45:00.000-05:00

Taking a lead from some fellow bloggers out here in cyberspace, I'm taking the "Random Shuffle Challenge". The challenge is to use iPod's shuffle feature to create a random playlist from your music library and post that list, no matter how "corny" or embarassing or whatever it seems. So, OK. I told you guys my musical tastes were a bit eclectic. Here's my answer to the challenge:

"Kryptonite", Three Doors Down
"Take it to the Limit", The Eagles
"Word of God Speak", MercyMe
"Right on Track", from the Breakfast Club Soundtrack
"Got to Give it Up", Marvin Gaye
"Californication", Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Dont' Stop", Fleetwood Mac
"In the Light", DC Talk
"Ordinary World", Duran Duran
"One Night in Bangkok", Chess

Wanna' know what's really scary? I could see myself listening to that playlist, just as it is. "Take it to the Limit" and the Breakfast Club as bookends for "Word of God Speak". Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Picture Worth a Thousand Words

2007-02-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

By Dave Myers

I saw this image on another Seminarian's blog the same day I received the comment from my priest friend discussed below. Somehow, they both have joined together to guide my contemplation of all of this over the past days. I wanted to share the picture here, too. (Thanks to "School of Mary" for originally leading me to this image.)

Humility...And Grace...Adding to My Lent Beginning

2007-02-23T15:02:00.000-05:00

One of the suggestions someone had given me for a deeper experience of praying the Liturgy of the Hours was to become more specific and purposeful with my intentions. As I worked with that idea approaching Lent, I was sharing with a good friend of mine who is facing some medical uncertainty that I would be including her in my intentions. She looked at me with a "whaddumean" expression. (I have many family and friends - umm... most, actually, who aren't Catholic.) It occurred to me that many of those who I desire to pray with and for might have the same blank stare, so I tried to write something that described my understanding of an intention.

To make sure that I wasn't being inaccurate, I sent it to a priest friend of mine. I'm certainly no authority, and don't intend to publish in his or anyone else's name - but I wanted to make sure it was at least without any glaring error or inappropriateness. In his response, Father shared the following comment:

"..you attempt to configure your life after Christ and one day, if God calls you to be a priest, then you are offering your [prayers] for the world to Jesus Christ who has ascended to our Father in heaven..."

Those words have stayed with me - they still resound in my heart and my mind. They are powerful words. It seems that each day, as I've walked this journey with purpose, some new aspect of what it would mean to be "priest" dawns or develops in my heart. They all evoke a similar response in me.

Configuring my life after Christ. I know this intellectually. And deep within, this is my desire - wherever God leads my life - ordained or not. But when my heart opens to this idea that I so desire to pursue, my heart is always pierced somewhat. Pierced by the coexistence of my desire to do so, and the knowledge that my ability to do so is limited by my humanity.

Offering my prayer for the world to Jesus Christ who has ascended to the Father. Christ is our perfect and Holy "vicar". (from the Latin, "vicarius", meaning representative, or agent, or substitute.) Christ, in His human life, undertook the ultimate act of a vicar. Taking human form, He became man - allowing us to glimpse with human eyes the person of God. (I'm not a theologian - this is probably inaccurate in many ways. But I know there's truth in this idea - and I hope my inability to express it accurately does not hinder how profound it is.) He became our Vicar on the cross - substituting Himself for us.

Ascending into heaven, He continues to act as Vicar - OUR Vicar. Pleading at the right hand of the Father on our behalf. Some days I just know He's there, "Father, Alan loves You. He's trying. I offer you My Body, Blood, Soul, and Devinity in atonement for his sins, and for those of the whole world." I know it, because how else could I know God's love. How else could I know his Grace. How else could I receive an invitation to follow Him at all?

What is really ringing my bell this last couple of days is becoming more and more present to the idea that, if called to ordination, part of what that means is I would become a vicar, a representative, an agent for all of humanity. Standing, by way of some divine mystery, alongside Christ. Pleading to the Father, by way of Christ Himself, "Father, we love You. We try. We're only able to try by Your grace. I offer you the Body, Blood, Soul, and Devinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonemeny for our sins, and for those of the whole world."

United with Christ in praise, intercession, and in some small way, in sacrafice.

That's what's humbling. That God would invite us to participate in some small way in this mystery. We. Humans. Born in sin. Who's best is to try, and even that flowing only from His grace. What a loving, caring, amazing God we serve.

My humility often leads to questions of competence. Am I competent to participate in such a mystery? Would even years of formation in the Seminary cultivate such competence? Me - a sinner - born of a woman. Me, for whom "try" is the best I can do. Fr. Frank (one of the priests of my parish) encouraged me months ago in this way: "God doesn't call those who are qualified. He qualifies those He calls." Grace. It's all grace. A gift freely given, one that we could never hope to deserve or earn. Grace. (I'm reminded of the thought I had, in the moment Fr. Frank shared that with me: "The grace of that comment in my life arrived from Christ Himself, by way of his priest here before me." It was a result of Christ's Priesthood in the heavens, united with Fr. Frank's priesthood here and now.)

And - what's amazing me even now as I write this... everything I've said above applies to us all in some way. I don't know how it works out theologically, but I do know this. All Christians share in some way in Christ's priesthood. As recipients of, and participators in it. (Isnt' this right?)

As I begin the Lenten journey this year, I'm finding the suggestion to be more purposeful and specific with my intentions IS enhancing my liturgical prayer. Sometimes, even if just for a moment, I can sense my humble prayer here, with and for those I love, joined with the prayer of the whole Church, united with Christ at the right hand of the Father.

Humility. Grace.

Discernment...A Mountain I Can't Climb...

2007-02-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

I remember when I first heard what I thought was "God calling me". (Well, it wasn't the first time - I had always thought as a child that I'd be a pastor. But life and love happened along the way, and I hadn't heard - or paid attention to - that calling for nearly 20 years.) I was driving down the road one day, and said outloud, "Gee - I could be a monk like Thomas Merton." The first thought I had was - "Um... Alan... why aren't you laughing your bumpkus off at an idea like that?" THAT's what I noticed first... that the idea wasn't nearly as strange to me as it should have been.

The idea wasn't just a passing thought. It didn't go away. The next morning when I woke up, it was there. It followed me around for days. "What should I do with this?" I wondered. Nothing. Do nothing. This is just... I don't know what this is. Just let it pass. So that's what I did.

Days. A week. Two weeks. It was still there. This "crazy" idea. So, I had to figure out what to do with this idea. I thought about it. Prayed about it. (Although, my prayer wasn't anything close to a model prayer. It was more like, "God - how do I get rid of this crazy idea?") And I decided - more delay. Just sit with it. I won't do anything with it for six months. I'll just let it be. Surely after six months, it will be gone. But, if for some strange reason it isn't, I'll figure out what to do with it then.

A month. Two months. A quarter. Half a year. The idea was still there. I still heard this voice saying, "Um - Alan. You know - you COULD be a monk or a priest." I didn't know who's voice it was. Was it mine? Was it God? Was I going loopy? Was I running from life? Was the voice a reaction to difficulties my loved ones were experiencing?

But, the time had come - I had given myself six months. Now I needed to figure out what to do with this voice.

Notice anything quite odd about all this so far? Yeah - I didn't notice anything odd about it at the time either. It's only in looking back, and in my prayer time these days, that I'm beginning to see one big adjustment that had to be made along the way. (Thank God for Spiritual Directors!)

Here's a hint - ask yourself this question. For me in what I've described above, who's job was it to deal with this "voice" I was hearing? Where was I placing the responsibility for "figuring all of this out"?

When I first began on this journey, I thought this was something I needed to figure out. I. Me. I will. I can. I need to. Me. Mine. My mind. My thought. All me. Where was God? Sure, I was fooling myself that I was praying about this. But, in my prayer, I was telling God what I wanted Him to do so that I could figure this out. I was sending Him "directions" - as if He needs MY directions. Ha!

Bebo Normas has a song that's on the Christian radio these days, "I Will Lift My Eyes". Here are the lyrics:

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Cause You are and You were and
You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
Cause You fashioned the earth and
You hold it together, God
So hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

Discerning God's call for my life is not something I can do. It's a mountain I can't climb. Why? Because its not just about me. It's about my relationship with God. It's not a "me" thing. It's a "we" thing. God and me. And the church. And more.

When I was first confronted with this idea - this concept that "discernment" was less about me having to figure it all out, and more about me loving and trusting God more deeply, entering into a deeper relationship with Him, and letting go of any preconceived ideas, outcomes - or even any questions - it was a bit unsettling. I started all of this trying to figure out what I/Me/Mine needed to do to conjure up a burning bush that would answer the question I was asking. Somewhere along the way, I had to let go. I had to begin to just be who and where I was, still asking my questions, but being open to whatever answers came, even when those answers seemed to point in directions completely unrelated to the "priesthood" question.

As I prepare to enter into this Lenten season, I am amazed and awed at the wonder, and love and grace of the God I am coming to know more and more each day. Truly, as I pray, "I will lift my eyes to the Maker of this mountain I can't climb."

If I could have "figured this out" on my own, I wouldn't have experienced the grace and love and care that comes from trusting God to start climbing the mountain with and for me.

Wherever you are on your discernment journey - asking questions about priesthood, religious life, marriage, children, work, life, love - its all about discerning, isn't it? Wherever you are, trust that just because it feels like its a mountain YOU can't climb, God will climb it with you. And, in letting go and letting Him, the journey will lead where it should.

Visiting The Seminary

2007-02-19T15:51:00.000-05:00

Two seminarians from my diocese, who will be ordained this year, gratiously invited me to visit them at the seminary I've learned that our Bishop has decided would be his choice for me this coming August, St. Meinrad. I was very excited to take this next step, as it were, and get a glimpse into the seminary itself, and the life of a seminarian a bit more firsthand.

Over the couple of days that I was there, I experienced and felt many things. I'm sure in the weeks to come, as I continue to reflect on my journey, more about the visit will come out here.

Today, I'm left remembering a moment of feeling overwhelmed. Over the past two years, I've contemplated "the seminary" and "seminary life" many times. Different aspects of what it would mean, how it would be different. Looking back, I see one of the benefits of "contemplating" such things is that we can neatly take one piece of it off the shelf, so to speak, at a time. We can work with that one aspect of it for a bit, get comfortable with it, pray about it, ask God to work in our hearts with that one thing. And then put it back on the shelf, ready to repeat the exercise with some other aspect.

I arrived at the seminary on Thursday evening, and was quickly "swept" into the visit. A visit with the priest/Benedictine monk who is Director of Enrollment. Shown to my room. Twists and turns around the halls and grounds. Down to the student hang out for a beer and a pizza. And then back to my room for the evening. I enjoyed all of that.

But then, 5 minutes after coming to rest in my room for the evening, I realized all of a sudden that I was feeling overwhelmed. I asked God out loud, "God - can I do this? This is SO different. It's been so VERY long since I've felt like a fish out of water."

For about 20 minutes, I felt utterly overwhelmed. The voices of doubt were rumbling. (See, Alan, you can't do this. God isn't making this easy enough for you. You'll never survive 6 years of this after all the time you've lived on your own.) Blah - blah - blah - blah. I needed to pray. And so I did.

You know - its funny. Every time I am able to "let go" of whatever I'm feeling, and give it to God, it very quickly begins to be less unmanageable for me. Less overwhelming. No, I don't have to hide from feeling overwhelmed. I can let it be what it is. But when I quit trying to handle it all on my own and say, "OK God - its me again. Here's where I am. Here's how I'm feeling. What do we do with this?" I get an answer that's what I need. "It's OK. I love you. Just trust me, follow me. That's all I need from you right now. Trust. Follow. If you can do that, I promise you I'll take you where we need to go."

This wasn't the first moment I've felt overwhelmed in the discernment journey. It probably won't be the last. It may have been the most "present" experience with feeling overwhelmed that I've had so far. And you know what I left that experience with? Peace. And lots of it.

I have effort to make. God willing, part of that effort includes enrolling as a Seminarian at St. Meinrad this August. And with that will come "sliming down" to live in a dorm room. Attending class again as a full time student. Letting go of a salary. Trusting God for my material needs. Joining into a rhythm of prayer, study, fellowship, and formation as a member of the seminary community. But, that's all just effort. My part of the work.

If I'm faithful to my part of the effort, I can trust that God Himself, through the seminary and His own working and forming in my life, will create the outcome that is right. Whatever that outcome may be.

Focusing on effort, letting go of outcome - these things bring so very much...peace.

A Change...

2007-02-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

So I was flipping through the channels last night. Sunday evenings are prime "TV-Time" for me - dunno why. My weekends are usually a mixture of "rest & relax", trying to keep dishes & clothes washed, and keeping the house from becoming a health hazard. My routine for a long time now has been that I attend Sunday evening mass at the Cathedral. So, I suppose after I've returned home from mass, I enter a "wind-down" kind of mode to end the weekend, and get jazzed for a new week. (OK - you can't hear the sarcasm in "jazzed for a new week" - but its there, oh boy is it there...)

Anyway, last night as I was winding down, I was flipping through the channels - looking for something not quite mind-damaging to entertain myself. And up came the Grammy awards. Now, if you know me, you know I LOVE music. I love listening to music. I love to sing along with the radio. (One of my biggest challenges with my iPod is, if I'm not paying attention, I'll find myself singing out loud with my earphones in - forgetting that no one else can hear the song.)

I happened to turn to the show right when they were about to do "Record of the Year". I was excited. To see who was nominated. To see who would win. I'm a music buff after all, you know? So they read the nominees, and play those little clips. Now, the last time I watched the Grammies - I was singing along with all those little clips for record of the year; and I can remember being torn - really invested in who would win - because I really, really liked several of the songs.

This year - I found myself hitting the rewind on the DVR. I MUST have been confused about the category they were working with. This couldn't be "Record of the Year" - I didn't recognize a single song. Not one. So, I re-wound... yup, sure enough, record of the year. Hrm... how could I not know a single one of those songs? Surely, I'd know the artists, right? Hit re-wind again. (I love DVR - just love it.) Mary J. Blige - check. I know her. Loved her first big single, what... five years ago or more? Good. I know one. Dixie Chicks - check. OK - I know who they are, but can't say I know any of their songs. And - um.... isn't this the Grammy Awards? I thought the Dixie Chicks would be limited to the Country Music Awards - or at least the country music categories. They really have a song nominate for record of the year? James Blunt - who? Gnarls Barkley - when did he give up the round ball for a music career - and have we ever had a former NBA player make it to Record of the Year? Oh, GNARLS Barkley. Who the heck is that? Corinne Bailey Rae - OK - I've got to admit - I hit the DVR rewind one more time. This is surreal - is this REALLY the Grammy Awards... for Record of the Year? Who ARE these people?

What was worse than not knowing all the artisits, was that I didn't know ANY of the songs. Not a one. They didn't even remotely sound familiar. Now, for the average person, this might not be a big deal. And its not like my life ever revolved around the Grammy awards. When it comes to music, I like what I like - the awards shows (or anything else, really) have never dictated my taste. But, being a guy who needs radio in his car to work more than he needs A/C, how could it be that I don't have any CLUE about the nominations for Record of the Year?

It puzzled me. It concerned me. Where have I been this past year? What have I been doing? How could I be so out of touch? This is BIG. I've got to figure out what happened. (Have you noticed yet from reading other blog entries that I sometimes over-analyze things?)

So I started thinking. Yup - every time I get in the car, I'm listening to the radio. Every time. I thought more. I'm singing all the time, too. Deep in thought sometimes. Really listening to the music other times. I thought some more. My routine: Get in the car, turn it on, turn up the volume on the radio, and then put on my seat belt. Yep - my priorities are still OK. How could I miss what's happening in the music world?

Then it hit me. I listen to K-LOVE and AIR-1. (Contemporary Christian music stations in my town.) I flip back and forth between them. I sing the songs they play. They are the songs I pray the mass with. They are the songs that I pray with when I'm worried, searching, tired, scared. They are the songs I praise with. My car time has become prayer time. Music is still very important to me - its just that my selection of music has changed. I'm guessing as my own internal focus changed, my music selection followed.

Now - before you jump to any conclusions - I want to be clear. I am not condemning any music. I don't like the stuff that talks only about sex or drugs or killing someone else. But that's because of the topic, not the music. I still like "popular music" - most of the song snipets I heard last night on the awards show sounded OK to me. And, if there's 80's music on the radio, look out. I'm there quick. And my taste in music runs a very wide spectrum. Right now in my CD players at home, one has Steevie Wonder's greatest hits in it (a Christmas present from my mom). The other has Earth, Wind and Fire's Greatest Hits Vol. II. Beside that CD player is my old Nirvannah CD, Elton John's Greatest Hits, and the original cast recording of Phantom of the Opera. I love my music - I haven't abandoned it.

But I realized last night...as I began to turn toward the path of discernment, seeking God more purposefully, and trying to learn how to have the guts to give it all to Him...something happened to my car radio. Over and over in my mind as I thought about this last night, I heard the words of the Gospel: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Don't get me wrong. I'm far - very, very far - from being the kind of man God wants me to be. My imperfections and shortcomings outweigh me by a ton. It's only a matter of God's infinite love and grace that allows me to approach Him and try to serve Him. But, I think I've got to notice, part of what that grace has given me over the last year or so is a changing of where my tresure is; where my heart is.

I can't ignore God's working in my life. I would not, and could not have, made even so slight a change myself. It's God working in me. Wow. Scary. And humbling.

And - as I reflect this morning - I'm even more grateful that this change hasn't come as a replacement of my love for music, even my love for popular music. Where's my Eagle's Greatest Hits CD? I want to listen to that at lunch.

-----------------------------------------------

And, for a special person, who gave me my love of music:

You are the apple of my eye, Forever you'll stay in my heart.

Sometimes, There's Nothing Spectacular...

2007-02-08T09:37:00.000-05:00

When I started the blog, I made a commitment to "recording the journey". Sharing what's going on. More than that, sometimes, it gives me a chance to process what's going on - or put a period on the end of a sentence that's been being written over a couple of days. There was lots going on, in my "world", in my "mind", and in my journey those first few days... so lots of posts. Every morning this week, I've sit down to write something new - but found there weren't things going on that were ready to put to words.

This morning, the same thing. Nothing to write about. And then it occurred to me - one of the most common states of being on this journey over the past couple of years has been - "today, there's nothing spectacular". I'm not sure how the spiritual journey unfolds for others, but for me it seems there are sometimes long stretches of nothing spectacular. Nothing earth-shattering (like knowing its time to apply for seminary). No epiphanies (like experiencing for the first time some new, deeper understanding of prayer, or God's love). No monumental tasks to complete. Some days are... just days. Just moments. Just living, and being. Trying, for better or worse, to 'be' what God is calling me to be today.

Though, I must confess... I've probably misled you a bit in the title of this post. Because, what I'm coming to find is that there's something absolutely spectacular about these days when "there's nothing spectacular". Something miraculous and amazing in the reality that it is these pedestrian moments, if we can call them that, that constitute the majority of our journeys into God's will for us. It must be that THESE lackluster moments have the power to grow us, change us, call us forward into God's plan of holiness for our lives. Otherwise, we wouldn't be given them as gifts for the journey so often.

The biggest battle I fight with myself sometimes is seeing and accepting these days for the grace that they are in and of themselves. My temptation is to take them, and begin to go searching for the earth-shattering, mind-bending, life-changing (drum-roll) TA-DA. But, if I've gone searching for it, I run the risk of falsely creating it when its not there. And that would be an exercise in seeking and finding something born of self. What I so desperately want to do is seek and find what is born of God, united in self. (Perhaps similar, but also different.)

Sometimes, as we seek to walk with God, as we strive to become a man after God's own heart, the days are just days. We wake. We live. We serve. We pray. We laugh/cry/work/play. We breathe. Who are we to believe there's anything less than spectacular about that?

So - anyway - nothing huge going on these last couple of days to write about. God's grace and movement in my life, all the same.

---------------------------------------

I've added a "links" section to the right of the blog where I've listed several seminarian blogs I've found in the last couple of weeks, and which I read regularly. My journey isn't the same as all the guys. I don't agree with all the guys. So my listing them here isn't really an endorsement of what they have to say. But we share one thing in common - we're walking the same kind of path. And their journeys inspire and comfort me.

"In the Year Twenty Thirteen...."

2007-02-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

(of course, when you read the title of this post, you heard the same booming, Flash Gordon, totally sci-fi announcer speaking those words as I did when I typed them, right? 'Cause if you didn't, it may not have the same effect...)

That's right, folks. Twenty Thirteen. But we're not talking about the setting for "Voyage to Mars" or "Flash Gordon Saves the Galaxy". Twenty Thirteen is my new "class". If it be God's will, I'm a member of the Ordination Class of 2013.

Wow - that seems like so far away. I was having lunch with Fr. Mark earlier this week, and he asked me how I felt about that. I didn't want to admit how I really felt, but what's the point of dancing around the truth? One thing I've been learning - there's no point in being anything but authentic and honest, with others or myself. If what I seek is God's will, and to follow His call to holiness - I can't do that by wearing masks or avoiding what's real for me right now by trying to say "the right thing".

So I answered Fr. Mark honestly. "It just seems so far away. And truth be told, I have a dangerous attitude brewing. Seminary today feels like a obstacle to beginning to serve God's people, rather than a vehicle for it." How utterly pompous of me!

I've been reading other seminarian's blogs a lot recently. Earlier this week I happened across an entry by a Seminarian from our Diocese who will be ordained to the priesthood this coming spring. In this entry, Deacon Noel says:

Yes, I was homesick. But most of all, I was frustrated with how my vocation story was unfolding. I was frustrated because I came to Saint Meinrad with my own vision of seminary life, with my own program of formation for the priesthood. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought they should have taken one look at me and then called Bishop Williams in and had him lay his hands on my head and ordain me right then and there. I was wrong. (You can read all of this reflection at his blog by following this link.)

Heh... its nice to know I'm not completely alone. It's also nice to know that just having this attitude right now doesn't mean my vocation is broken, or that I can't be formed. Formation... formation is what's missing from my attitude. The difference between a ceramic cup that can hold warm tea and a big blob of moist clay that can't do much of anything but roll around is... formation. In the hands of a Master craftsman. Which includes what... shaping, removing imperfections and impurities, curing, strengthening.

I won't lie - my attitude isn't perfect. There's still a part of me that says - gee - six years! (booming voice again:) In the year Twenty Thirteen.

But, there's also comfort, and a realization that if I'm ever going to be a vessel that can carry God's warmth, comfort, nourishment, and sustinence to His people, I have to be formed. By the Master craftsman. Now - if I can keep my hands off, and focus on being formable clay...
________________________
On a side note - its been very nice this week being welcomed by the seminarians of our Diocese. I've received emails, phone calls, and even invitations to visit. One of the concerns I've faced over the past two years as I've moved toward today is the idea of being "disconnected" as a priest. Not in the theological or spiritual sense - in the physical and emotional sense. From what I've seen this week, the bonds of community begin long before ordination. If that's any indication of the community and commraderie among the presbyteriate, my concerns are unfounded.

And if any of my fellow Seminarians are reading this - "THANKS GUYS! You sure know how to make a fella' feel welcome."

The Voice...

2007-01-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

Some time ago - in one of our first meetings - Fr. Mark gave me a book called, "The Voice". I wasn't new to my discernment journey, but I was struggling. What I was 'hearing' didn't always make sense to me. And when it did make sense, I didn't always like what I was hearing. (As I reflect on this now - I wonder if Fr. Mark made a gift of this book, or if I was supposed to return it....hrm....)

Anyway, the book has "lived" on my coffee table ever since - and occasionally I would pick it up to read it. But it has been several months now since I've looked at it. Today at lunch, I was in the living room, and I spotted it. I decided to give it a read.

In this book, about a cartoon lone fisherman on the ocean, the voice says, "Follow me." And, like I so often do - have done - probably will continue to do, the fisherman at first thinks he may be going nuts. I'm reminded of the old classic Bill Cosby sketch about Noah. Where the Lord says, "Noah" - in this deep, booming voice. And Noah says, in stereotypical Bill Cosby fashion, "Somebody talkin' to me?" He goes on about his merry way, until the voice comes again, "Noah!" Eventually, Noah says, "Will you STOP BOTHERING ME!!!"

You can listen to this sketch at YouTube if you've never heard it before...Just click below.

Back to the book, the fisherman eventually says, "Look here - I'm busy. Leave me alone." And, lo and behold, if his boat doesn't spring a leak!!! He patches it by sticking his toe in, goes about his business, the voice calls again, a bigger leak springs.

I don't want to tell the whole story - its a great book - with a great message.

But today, as I was reading it, I was really reflecting on this "springing a leak" thing. Here I was, walking along in life, doing fairly OK. Not perfectly happy with everything, but not perfectly unhappy either. And BAM! My boat springs a little leak.

I'd been hearing the Voice for most of my life - since I was a little boy really. But somehow, like the fisherman, I found ways to say, "Stop bothering me." When my boat began to spring a leak, I was really a little ticked off at God. (Just like this fisherman in the book.) I found a way to plug it - so I could "stay afloat" for a while. And before long, another, bigger leak, pops up.

Today, looking back, I'm reminded that, "all things work together for good". I'm reminded of God's amazing grace. Grace to have and use a Voice that we can hear. Grace to call. Grace to spring a leak in our boats so we start to pay attention. Grace to love us and call us forward into our lives - whether that be sitting at my desk eight months away from seminary, or you, sitting at your computer, with work, life, love, family, friends, whatever.

God didn't "bully" me into this stage in my journey. Neither am I running away from my leaky boat. At least, that's the way I see it today. I specifically wanted to take this "discernment" journey slowly, because I was worried I might be doing just that. But, today I realized... without the boat springing a leak, I might have never said anything to the Voice but, "Go away!"

Next time your boat springs a leak (next time MY boat springs a leak) - I so desperately want to try to remember that maybe God's just trying to get my attention. What a grace...

What's Next?

2007-01-22T10:56:00.000-05:00

To be less than two weeks away from "GEE - the idea of heading off to seminary is BIG" - I know this will sound strange to some... but I'm finding myself asking, "Uh - OK. What's next?? Let's get on with it." What's odd is that I'm still apprehensive. But in that apprehension, I'm ready. Not in a "OK - hurry up - let's get it over with" way. Not like I am at the doctor's office when its time for a shot, in other words. But, more like, "OK - let's get going" - like a road trip to the other side of the planet, when you're excited about the trip, even if you're feeling a little apprehension at the length of the drive.

(Sometimes I wonder if my attempts at metaphor are counterproductive. *shrug* Oh well.)

This past weekend, I completed my first official "assignment" from the diocese since being accepted as a seminarian. I attended VIRTUS training. This is child sexual abuse awareness training that's offered to all those who work in and around the parishes of our Diocese. (It's a national program, really - that our Diocese uses as well.) It's a striking sign of the extent of the damage sexual abuse in the church has caused that this would be my first assignment. But for me, its also a positive sign of the steps the church is taking to heal that damage. Raising awareness of the issue, openly discussing how we can protect our children, and "raising the bar" in some areas to avoid where possible even the appearance of inappropriate situations - that's a step in the right direction.

My personal belief is that whatever we can do to protect children, restore confidence, and heal wounds is what the church truly owes those who've been harmed. Apologies and financial reparations are one thing. But wisdom teaches us that what we really owe those who've been harmed is an amend, a change, all the effort at our disposal to prevent the same thing happening again. And this is what the church owes itself, too.

Anyway...about 4 hours after that training was over, I began to ask, "OK - what's next?" I take this as a good sign. I'm ready. I don't have doubts today about what I'll be doing come August. Apprehension - yes. Some fear of the unknown - yes. Discomfort - uh, YES!! (Breaking out of the comfort zone is something that's never any fun.) But, I don't have any doubts. And, there's a big part of me that's ready to get on with it.

But - I need to take a step back and say, "Patience. Wait. Trust. Follow." My Way is always to grab the reins, and head after "it" (whatever it is) the way I think is best. God's Way is often to invite us to hand HIM the reins, and follow that lead. Practicing God's Way is sometimes difficult - and always different. But that's what I sense that I really need to do with this.

And so, for today, "What's Next" should probably be limited to:

* Continuing to Focus on my prayer life.
* Watching, Waiting, Listening.
* See #1 Above.

After all, this has got to be about my relationship with God above all else. Every step. Following His lead, His call. If it becomes only about what I want, the way I want to do it - well, then I've missed the mark. Gee - that's gonna' take a lot of practice. Yeah - that's REALLY "what's next" ... practicing the action of following.

The Voice of Truth...

2007-01-18T09:44:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite songs - I pray with this song, literally. The lyrics have spoken to me all along this journey, and in a new way now:

Oh what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
to step out of the boat and then
onto the crashing waves...
to step out of my comfort zone
into the realm of the unknown
where Jesus is...
and He's holding out his hand.

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me...
reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again,
"Boy - you'll never win!
You'll never win!"

But the voice of Truth
tells me a different story!
The voice of Truth says
do not be afraid!
The voice of Truth says
this is for My glory!
Of all the voices calling out to me,
I will listen and believe
the voice of Truth.

Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear those waves. Taunting. Like the Phillistines taunting a tennager with a slingshot. (The second verse of the song uses that image.) And the reminding - oh the reminding. Of all my shortcomings. Of my sin. Of my imperfection, my lack of holiness. How can a mere mortal like me ever become a priest? Do I even have what it takes to even give the Seminary a shot? Look at you - worrying, wondering - and you're not even at the Seminary yet. Those damned waves!

But, you know, there really is another voice there. I hear it sometimes right along with the others, not drowning them out by trying to be louder - but I hear it over the others because its closer. I hear a whisper. "You can." The whisper says, "Don't be scared. We're in this together." The voice in my head - in my heart - says, "Just one step today. You can do it. We'll go together. It's an adventure." Mostly, the Voice says, "I love you. And I will love you. And I always have."

I think of Peter, so anxious to follow Jesus. So anxious to live and be Holy. I imagine a heart burning to please God as best he could. Wanting to show his friend and mentor that he loved him - not for glory, but for love's sake. His whole mind at times, almost frantic to follow. "SURE I'LL CLIMB ONTO THE WAVES!!! You called - that's enough - I'll go." And before you know it...all wet. I wonder how many times those waves called out to Peter, "Boy, you'll never win. And in case you forgot, remember the rooster?"

But, Peter must have found the secret. That Voice. That whisper that saves us from ourselves. You know, I think it must be true for all of us - no matter what our journey. My "vocational discernment" is heading for the Seminary. Yours may be raising a child, teaching or serving in the church or community, loving your spouse, caring for parents... no matter where our journeys and our callings are leading us, if we're seeking God's will for our lives, I bet those waves call out to all of us at some point or another. Hey - I'll pray for you - you pray for me. The Voice of Truth says, "Hang out here with me, this is a different story, don't be afraid - we'll do it together."

The Size of Monuments

2007-01-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

Standing at the Lincoln Memorial, its easy to see that the Washington Monument is tall. But as you walk closer and closer to the giant white obelisk, you really begin to sense how big it is. The closer you get, the more you feel its size. Imagine standing at the Lincoln Memorial one second, thinking about the height of the white column, and then blinking an eye and standing beside it. BAM! TALL! BIG! You'd need a few moments to adjust.

I think that's what's been going on these past few days - a sort of shock. When I got the call from Father Mark, it was like a blink-of-the-eye change in position from looking at "the Seminary" from the Lincoln Memorial to - BAM - beside it. I felt the size of this next step, and was left a little off balance by it. But this weekend sometime I realized - um... I'm not standing beside it yet. August is 8 months away. I've really only begun a leisurly stroll along the mall toward it.

So, in lots of ways, I feel like I've regained my balance a bit. (Thank you God!) "The Seminary" feels a lot bigger to me today than it did 9 months or 9 days ago. But its not looming menacingly over me by any means. As I try to enjoy this stroll forward toward August, I'm sure it will gradually begin to seem more immense than it is today. Just like approaching the Washington Monument along the mall. But there's much to enjoy (and learn) on a nice spring stroll. That's the lesson for me today. Enjoy the stroll. Appreciate where its headed. And let the size of it all work itself out.

------------

As an aside, I think one of the gifts God has given me in the last day or so that has helped restore some balance is finding others who've walked this path too. Being able to see how it was - and is - for them. I found one blog in particular from a first year seminary student, Jason, who arrived at the seminary along a path that seems similar to mine. If you'd like to check out his blog, you can find it here: http://jsignal.com/b2/.

The Call...

2007-01-15T12:15:00.000-05:00

A phone call, I mean. Although the phone call was a step on the journey toward trying to hear if - no, not if - a step on the journey toward trying to hear what the Call is I'm hearing. But, if you don't know me, that's all a bit confusing without some more information. So, let's start where I intended to start before I got all befuddled in these words.

The Phone Call:

"Hi Alan. It's Father Mark, and I've got good news. The Bishop has accepted you as a Seminarian. Call me back when you can." That's what the voicemail said. I cried - just as I had the day before after meeting with the admissions committee who advises the Bishop. I wasn't sad. Wasn't scared (though that came pretty quickly). It wasn't really joy either (though that is certainly a part of it as well). It was..., well I don't know.

You know, we read about Moses at the burning bush. He made all the excuses, wondered aloud and directly to God about the wisdom of sending him. He tried everything he could think of to avoid what he was hearing. But, Moses did have a reaction when he noticed he was standing in the presence of God. He took off his sandals - he was on Holy Ground.

Standing in my kitchen, listening to the voicemail while I warmed leftover pizza in the microwave, I cried. I think it was my reaction to standing on Holy Ground.

In many ways, my journey is just beginning. In some ways, this bend along the path is reaching its destination and I've been taken to the beginning of a new path. A path that, like the one before it, will help me hear and follow The Call for my life - whatever that may be.

I want to share the journey with you. Welcome to my blog. And if you can, when you can, remember me in your prayers. This next bend is a little more uphill - at least that's the way it looks from here. But I know it leads to the Mountain of God.